Devon Responds to Me Kicking His Butt

>> Monday, December 23, 2013

I posted my race report and video from the "swim off" against pro triathlete Devon Palmer last week on my blog. And Devon has responded. Here are his words (taken from this post) broken up and followed by some of my comments:

The Curious Case of Steve Stenzel

If you have not seen the race footage of The Gold Guys Duel in the Pool you can see it here. All you really need to know is that the finish was agonizingly close and unfortunately Steve touched the wall first.

Obviously I did an excellent job establishing a fair challenge as the swim off could have gone either way. If you’ll remember at our first challenge at the Gear West Duathlon Steve established a ridiculous handicap that gave his relay team an insurmountable margin. But Steve’s sneaky ways are not news. Losing this swim challenge was challenging emotionally. Making things worse, Steve and his posse of professional online bullies are not exactly gracious winners.

OK, that handicap was AGREED upon, and Devon and his team even cut THAT handicapped time short - they cheated from the start. And I have no control of my online bullies people of the internet.

Thinking about the race afterwards I began to have some questions. I realized that while the challenge was set up justly due to my thoughtful and intelligent handicapping perhaps Steve had done something to get an edge. He did not cut the course. He did not use a motor. What else could he do? Sadly it would seem the only reasonable explanation is doping. If you look carefully the evidence is all there. And you know me, I am not one for spurious allegations. How do we know Steve use performance enhancing drugs to win the challenge? Review the facts below.

Exhibit A: Steve did not submit a urine sample for drug testing. Failure to submit a sample is usually treated as a positive.

Umm, but I did submit a urine sample. We both did. You don't remember this Devon?...

Thanks to Jared for getting this photo to prove that Devon is a liar.

Exhibit B: Steve’s Chest:

Steve does not even try to hide the fact that these are fake. Look at them. Clearly some sort of substance was used to enhance his performance in this department.

They're called "push ups" Devon. Look it up. Try one someday.

Also, I remember you using some lewd language implying that you wanted to have sex with them before our swim off. (This is no joke, people.)

Exhibit C: Steve has a cutthroat, competitive personality and also a clear scruple deficiency. That is to say, he wants to win at any cost and he doesn’t care whose feelings get hurt along the way. We know Steve will do anything to win, as seen by his dubious handicapping at our first challenge. We also know Steve has loose morals. Despite being married he has repeatedly alluded to an affair with my mother. And if the affair didn’t happen, then we have evidence he is a lying liar. Furthermore, to gain an advantage in the build up to the race he hired a squad of professional bullies to hassle me online. This is a guy who will go to any length to win.

All I have to say is...


Exhibit D: Suspicious Sideburns:

Look at those chops. You know who else has those? Jonathan Vaughters, former pro cyclist and current team director for Garmin-Sharp. Vaughters is a doper and liar. You know who else has those chops? Bradley Wiggins, a massive jerk who is more than likely a doper. Science has shown that sideburns are an indicator of willingness to dope and being a pompous and unpleasant person.

Case closed. Steve used Testosterone or Estrogen or HGH or HGTV or something we haven’t even heard of yet. Since it was not an officially sanctioned race, the results will stand but I will forever refer to Steve as the winner* not as the winner.

Yes, you got me. I use 1080P.

What does all this mean? Upon further reflection, I realized it just means Steve cares. To go through all that trouble for our challenge means Steve cares alot. About me and about us. It matters alot to Steve. That isn’t such a bad thing. I’ve always said that Steve is the worst but how could someone who is the worst care so much? Could it be, and this sounds crazy, that Steve is the best? Or at least not the worst? Second or third worst? Just look at this photo of us together:

We both have handsome, well furred chests. Maybe we’re not so different after all? This is making my head spin and I need to take more time to think thoughts and feel feelings before coming to any conclusions.

Is Steve the worst? The best? Who knows!

Damn it, I love our handsome well-furred chests. Maybe you're not so bad Devon. But you probably are.

p.s. Say Merry Christmas to your Mom, and tell her your Dad I say "hi."


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