A Running Shoe PSA (and Instagram of the Day)

I recently posted this on Instagram:

"What's better than a new pair of Nikes from @runnfun? Getting FREE Nikes
with @RunMDRA "Grand Prix" winnings from 2012! #StillHaveTwelveBucksToSpend"

And as a quick PSA: EVERYONE CHECK THE MILAGE ON YOUR SHOES!! I program a "warning" to show up in my BeginnerTriathlete.com log (where I track my miles) at 300 miles. Usually, by 400 miles I make sure to have them replaced (I get injured a lot, and worn-out shoes don't help anything).

Well I thought my shoes might be getting close, but a warning wasn't popping up yet. I manually looked it up, and saw that I forgot to program in a warning at a certain milage! My shoes had 690.82 miles on them!! Oops. My new shoes happily took over.

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Friday Funny 451: One Tip to Survive the Apocalypse

JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE STATUE OF LIBERTY!!

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PSA: How To Get Water Out Of Your Ears

Everyone knows that weird feeling and strange sound that comes with water being stuck in your ears after a swim. You can’t get it out with a towel. You can’t absorb it with a Q-Tip. You can’t drill a hole under your ear with your cordless Dewalt to let the water drain. So what’s a triathlete to do?

Lesson 1: Materials

The first thing you need is some rubbing alcohol, preferably 70% alcohol (that’s 140 proof if you brew your own). The next thing you need is a little dropper bottle. This isn’t completely necessary, but it makes things much easier. The third and last thing you need is something to wipe-up with: a towel, a tissue, or even some TP. That’s all.

Everything ready to go

Lesson 2: Drip, Drip, Drip...

First, fill the dropper bottle with alcohol. Then tip your head to the side so that your water-filled ear is pointing to the sky.

Then drop 5 to 6 drops of alcohol in your “plugged” ear.

It’s a weird sensation when your ear fills with alcohol. It doesn’t hurt a bit, but it usually makes me go like this:

...and it makes that vein pop out in the middle of my forehead...

Once you drip the alcohol in your ear, let it sit for 5 to 10 seconds. Enjoy it. This is “your time.”

Lesson 3: Water, Be Gone!

Tip your head so the water and alcohol filled ear can now drain. Use a towel, tissue, or TP to dab up the water and alcohol.

That’s it. You’re done. The alcohol mixes with the bit of water in your ear. When you tip your head to get it out, the majority of it comes out right away. The little bit that doesn’t come out is now highly concentrated alcohol, and it evaporates in seconds.

This has worked EVERY TIME for Pharmie and myself. I’ve probably done this about 40 or 50 times in the last few years. It’s not originally my idea. I heard it from Pharmie. And Pharmie was told this great idea by a former college roommate who was on the swim team. Works like a charm. Try it out for yourself (if it’s not currently the way you get water out of your ears).

Oh, and big thanks to Pharmie for modeling for me! Thanks Hun!

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PSA: How To Rid Your Body Of Hair

I won’t lie: I was scared the first time. I didn’t know what to expect. And the hair removal cream had a warning on it telling me to keep it away from my nipples.

I.
Did.
Not.
Want.
To.
Burn.
Off.
My.
Nipples.

Let me make this clear: I do NOT know everything regarding hair removal. But I will share what I can and hopefully you (or your hairy loved one) can make the transition from “hairy, slow beast” to “smooth, aerodynamic, speedy athlete.”

Lesson 1: Method

Pharmie wanted me to wax. I’ve seen “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” and that kinda turned me off to waxing (just a little). So, admittedly, that’s something I don’t know anything about. In my case, I figured I’d shave my legs, shave my arms, and use a cream on my chest.

The first time I used “Hansen for Men: Hair Removal Lotion,” and the second time I used “Nair for Men.”

Both worked fine. Neither of them burned my skin or did anything strange. They both smelled fine (Hansen might smell a little better) and both did the trick. Hansen came with a bladeless razor, and Nair did not. But that wasn’t a real issue. I would say they are pretty equal products, but I might prefer Nair just because the Hansen tube was hard to get everything out of, whereas Nair comes out of the can easily like shaving cream. I tested Hansen on a tiny spot on my chest a day before using it all over, just to make sure it wasn’t going to make my skin burn off or break out.

I wanted to try a cream because it wasn’t as painful as waxing, but it would go a little “deeper” than just shaving. I’m glad I used the cream. Waxing may have lasted a little longer, but, I admit, I’m scared to try.

Lesson 2: Attack That Hair

I like “dramatic effect.” Therefore, when I spread the cream on my chest for the first time, I only spread it on half of my chest. Dramatic effect. I waited the proper 5 to 10 minutes, and then used the bladeless razor to scrape it all off. Here’s the dramatic result of half hairy / half hairless:

Notice the ring of hair around my nipple because
I didn’t want to burn off those fellas

I finished the other side of my chest, and all was well.

The second time I removed my chest hair, I tried “Nair for Men.” Like I mentioned before, it did not have a bladeless razor. Nair recommended using a bath towel to wipe it off. But that would have been nasty. So I lathered up and wiped it off with paper towels. (Many of my “regulars” will remember this from around Christmas time.) I started by removing a heart:

The heart came clean easily, and then I lathered up the rest of the chest:

After the scary use of the magical cream, I took a razor CAREFULLY around my nip-nips. Then I worked on the rest of my body hair. I used an electric clipper on my arms and legs.

Shaved arm hair in the sink


Shaved leg hair in the tub

Then I shaved my arms and legs. It was weird the first time:

Lesson 3: Clean Up

When I got down wiping off that body hair, I had paper towels strewn all over the bathroom with creamy body hair all over it:

If you go with cream and wipe off some body hair, there WILL be a mess in your bathroom. Clean that junk up. If you have pets, make sure to take out the trash, or your furry family members (I’m talking about your pets - remember YOU just took care of your hair and are no longer furry) will get into the hairy, creamy mess. Also, wash your bath towel right away. Any rogue cream could discolor your towel or get spread around the bathroom before you know it.

Lesson 4: Reap the Benefits

At least one of three things will happen once you go “hair-free:”

1. You will get faster.
2. You will feel faster.
3. You will get sexed up.

I don’t know if I got any faster, but, as Meatloaf said, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Here I was, the day after first going hair-free, getting ready to do the Chisago Lakes Half-Ironman:

Lesson 5: Maintenance

If you want to keep up this hairless lifestyle, you’re far from over. You need to keep it under control. I think I shaved about 1 to 2 times each week with a regular razor to keep up the manscaping between my first shave and Ironman. Here are the 2 razors in our shower:

As I’ve admitted to everyone before, mine is the pink one

A few days before Ironman, I did my last, complete all-over shave:

Then I made final touch-ups the day before IM.

I haven’t been keeping up the hairlessness because it’s flippin freezing here, and every bit of body hair helps. Sometime mid-summer, I’ll go through this process again. Probably right before the Lifetime Fitness Olympic Tri. Look for the debut of “2008 Hairless Steve” at that triathlon.

Final Thoughts

Once you’re smooth, everything is different. Putting on a shirt is strange. You’ll really be able to FEEL the shirt on your body. Crawling into bed is a smooth motion. Honestly, I could take or leave the smooth chest. I don’t know what to think about it. It makes me look like I’m 11 years old. But the shaved legs are kinda nice...

So, do you have any advice to give on this subject? Can you help out? Please comment with your experience on manly hair removal. Thanks everyone!

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PSA: How To Run Outside In The Winter

Updated 1/21/08 at the bottom

I’ve decided to do a winter series of Public Service Announcements, so I thought there was no better place to start than to give advice on how to run outside in the frigid Minnesota winter. It’s not that I know it all; in fact, I’ve made some horrible mistakes. Because of my mistakes, I have wisdom to share. Hopefully, I can get you out there to enjoy this great winter!

You can’t be afraid of nasty temperatures. They’re just numbers that tell you how many layers to put on. Here’s what I’ve learned you need to do:

Lesson 1: Homework

How cold is it? How strong is the wind? Is it slick? You need to step outside or turn on the local news to figure out where to start. When I was getting ready for a 7.5 miler on yesterday, the T.V. was telling me this:

Yep. Three below. With twenty-four below wind chill. That qualifies as "titties cold." But it's still do-able.

Lesson 2: Layers

Once you’ve assessed the day, start getting dressed. You don’t need weight, you just need layers. With winter running, zippers are your friend. Zippers can be zipped up tight when you start out and are a little chilly, and zippers can be unzipped once you get going and get a little warm. And yes, it’s possible to get PLENTY warm in 24 below wind chill.

I’ve also become a “mittens” person since I’ve started winter running. Mittens are a great place to hold your keys, a few bucks, and some Gu. Here are all my layers laid out:

Sub Lesson 2A: Layers in “Special Places”

Ladies, watch those nipples if you’ve been “blessed.” Fellas, you GOTTA pack some extra layers over your junk. In case you’ve forgotten, it was just over 1 month ago that I nearly froze mine off.

I normally have 2 or 3 layers on top and pants on the bottom with 2 or 3 extra layers over my man parts. Notice in the photo above that I still wore boxers over my Under Armour for extra protection.

Here I am, ready to head out:

I was plenty warm after 5 miles, and the zipper on the hoodie was unzipped a ways, and the ski mask was off.

Lesson 3: No Glasses

On longer, colder runs, I have to wear my contacts. My glasses will fog up like nobodies business. So if it’s colder than 10 degrees, or I’m running more than 4 or 5 miles, I put in my contacts.

Lesson 4: Get a Grip

If you’re going to be running on a day that there could be packed snow or ice, consider investing in a pair of slip-on spikes of some sort. I have a pair that looks like this:

These are pretty intense, and have 6 replaceable spikes on each foot. They hold up pretty well, but slide a little to the outside of my foot over the course of a run. Many runners love “YakTrax,” but I’ve never tried them myself. It’s essentially springs wrapped around some rubber tubes to give you some grip:

Lesson 5: The Prize

If you need some motivation, plan accordingly. To get through a chilly run, I remember what’s waiting for me at home. No, not naked Pharmie. I’m talking about food:

Recoverite, pizza, and York Peppermint Patties. Yum.
Nevermind the fruit in the background; I don’t eat that crap.

Lesson 6: Warming Up

When you’re done and get home, you’ve GOTTA get out of your clothes pretty quickly. The clothes that you’ve just run in will be sweaty and will cool you down in no time. Here’s my hat, eye-brows, nostrils, and girlishly-long eyelashes covered with sweaty ice crystals:

You need to take off your clothes to get warm. And this isn’t my ploy to get you naked. It’s just the truth.

Did I miss anything? Comment if you have some useful suggestions that I missed here. Let’s share them with others that could be running but are a bit timid!

Oh, there is a completely different way of dealing with running in the winter. This way is easier, but less affordable: move to Panama.

Coming Soon: a PSA on how to remove unwanted body hair. It will contain product reviews and helpful tips. I bet you can’t wait.

Updates:
- Ironmin noted that she wears a turtle fur and rotates it around to a dry spot as it gets too wet from breathing through it.
- Jameson commented on something that I didn't mention specifically: no cotton next to the skin. It will get wet with sweat, and then it will get cold!
- Dana also commented on something that I forgot to mention: CHAPSTICK!!
- Lastly, the idea of wearing mittens to store things in was Pharmies. She's been doing that for years!

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The Best Snot Rocket Form

Sunday evening, just as it was getting dark, I went on a quick 14 mile bike ride. The air was cool, which made me a little sniffley. Normally, I’m not much of a snot-rocket blower (AKA, farmer blow, booger space shuttle, etc). I’m just not good at it. I get snot all over me. But recently, I realized that I was doing it ALL wrong.

If I had a snotty left nostril while biking, in the past I would do it like this: LEFT nostril, RIGHT hand, over LEFT shoulder.

I discovered that this works much better: LEFT nostril, RIGHT hand, under RIGHT arm.

Now that I use this form, I blow good ole’ sticky snot rockets every few miles. And they just sail right behind me. Note: I don’t think this will work while running because it may just end up all over my waist.

So think of Steve in a Speedo the next time you blow a cold-weather snot-rocket on your bike. If you’re used to a different way of doing it, try my new-found form. Remember, I’m here to help YOU.

This “how-to” of “LEFT nostril, RIGHT hand, under RIGHT arm” sounds like the triathlete equivalent of the beauty pageant parade wave mantra: “ELBOW, ELBOW, WRIST, WRIST, WRIST” (or however the hell that goes).

p.s. Let me know if you’ll be at the Reindeer Run this weekend so we can meet up and say hi! (I’m already hoping to meet tzilla)

And check back here after the run for my report – my costume is coming together and it is going to be SPECTACULAR!! Although it’s supposed to be around 10 degrees at the start, so I may have to “warm it up” a little. And don’t look for a top ten finish out of me. Or top 20. Last year, the top ten finished between 16:09 and 17:28. Damn.

p.s.s. I ran some more 1 mile intervals tonight to get ready for, what might be, my last 5K of the year. They were a little faster than my intervals from a week ago, which was surprising because it was 15 degrees with a wind chill of 0. I thought I’d die in that kinda cold. Today, I ran a 5:59, 5:42, 5:34, and 5:33 with about 3 minutes rest in between each. Maybe I can gun for 18:30 on Saturday...

p.s.s.s. The inventor of Gatoraid died today. It is truly a sad day for athletes. Go pour one in the street for our late friend. Rest in peace, good friend.

p.s.s.s.s. Wow, this post has been all over the place! Snot rockets, beauty queens, Reindeer Run, and intervals. I need to calm down a little.

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Less of a Man, More of a Triathlete

This photo should probably carry some sort of warning, but what the heck. Here it is:

Yes, that’s me with a half smooth / half hairy chest.

Yes, that’s a ring of hair still around my nipple. The hair remover said to stay away from your nipples and anus. Not a problem.

YES, I DID shave that hairy ring off.

It takes some people 2 photos to show a “before and after.” Not me. There it was, all in one photo. Before / After.

On Friday night, I took care of my chest, shoulders, and little patches on my back. I used “Hansen’s for Men Hair Removal Lotion” that I got at Target. It said it was “Extra Strength.” I didn’t know if that was a good thing, or if that just meant that it would burn all my skin off. It worked quite well. My skin stayed intact, my man-sweater did not.

On Saturday, I finished with the rest of my body. First, I shaved my arms with an electric razor:

Then I shaved my legs with the same electric razor:

Then I touched it all up with shaving cream and a razor:

That last photo is the one that will make my Dad disown me. Sorry Dad.

I’m not sure what comparisons to make. Here are my choices:

A. Robin Williams came over, showered off, and didn’t “clean up” after himself.

B. 140 cats broke into our house, licked themselves all over, and hacked up hairballs all over our bathroom.

C. A Wookie had an abortion in my bathtub.

I’m leaning towards C. Yep, defiantly C.

I didn’t remove EVERYTHING. I had to hang on to a little of my dignity. So I’m left with... how can I put this... I... I’m still wearing a “Sasquatch Speedo.” I think that about sums it up. When all was said and done, I looked like this the next day at the Chisago Lakes Half IM:

It’s a strange feeling. I can really feel the shirt that I’m wearing. I mean, really FEEL it. I’ve never had any shirt feel so close to me. I think I’ll keep this “lifestyle” up through Ironman, and then I start growing my furry winter coat out again.

My official results:
• Chest, shoulders, and back hair removal (cream) - 40:00
• Arm and leg hair removal (electric) - 15:00
• Arm and leg final shave (razor) - 15:00
• Clean up time - 5:00
• Total - 1:15:00


(Note: I blatantly stole the title for this post from Mr. P. I knew exactly what that title meant when I read it on his blog 3 months ago. I had to use it and give him credit. Also, he posted this slightly inappropriate clip from the Family Guy about Stewie shaving his body. It’s funny, but it’s a little raunchy. You have been warned.)

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