How To Make Your Nipples Bleed During A 5K

Or, “In Search Of A 21 Minute 5K.”

Or, “What Happens When I Dress Myself.”

OK, so it wasn’t planning on doing this race, but I ran the Monster Dash 5K this morning around Lake Harriet in Minneapolis. Last night, Steph reminded me that her and Jon were doing the Half Marathon, and she taunted me with this: (say this to yourself in a girlie, taunting voice:) “Steve, there’s a 5K tomorrow, too!....” A few minutes later, I knew I was going to do it.

There were just a few problems. Problem #1: I just finished a HUGE order of Thai food from the local hole-in-the-wall Thai place (“Taste of Thailand” on Selby near Snelling). And then I helped Pharmie polish off her plate. That lump o’ delicious food was probably not the best thing to have 12 hours before a race. Problem #2: I lifted weights included a bunch of leg presses and other leg exercises that afternoon. My legs were a little sore. Great, lets hammer out a 5K tomorrow. Super timing. Problem #3: It was the “Monster Dash” and I needed a great costume idea QUICK!

Well, I threw together a “costume” and was ready for the big day.

It was a cool, calm, 40 degree fall morning. I parked on one side of Lake Harriet and walked towards the band shell.

I officially registered, and then ran into Pharmie’s aunt, who was going to be running the half. I looked around for Steph and Jon, and finally ran into them about 10 minutes before the start. The 3 of us ran into the woods together for one last quick potty stop. Then I saw them off at the start:

I had 30 minutes until the start of the 5K, so I ran back to my car to get changed into my “costume.” I guess there’s not much more to say other than “here it is:”

Notice the way the cool sun dances off my cold, erect nipple

Yep, that’s me with Chewie. I’m wearing tube socks, a pair of tighty-whities, and suspenders. I had to make a deal with Pharmie to wear a Speedo under the undies (as to avoid any awkward wardrobe malfunctions – after all, this was a family event).

“What am I?” you ask? I have no flippin’ clue. It was just the stuff I could find sitting around the house that I thought would make a funny costume. And boy, it got the laughs. It was only around 40-45 degrees during the race, and I can easily say that I was the most naked one out there. It was so great making so many people smile!

At the start of the race, I was hoping I could run around a 21 minute 5K. That was the loose goal I had set for myself. My last big race was THE big race (Ironman WI), and my body was trained to go long and slow. Since Ironman 7 weeks ago, I’ve run exactly 6 times. So, I figured I could easily bang out a fast 5K, right? OK, so I’m totally joking. I don’t know what made me think I could run fast, but I wanted to run this hard. It’s been a long time since I’ve ran JUST a 5K, and not part of a duathlon or triathlon.

As I crossed the starting line, I was running past people, trying to work my way to the front. Everyone I passed would start laughing at my costume. Some would hoot and holler, and I’d wave. I made one lady laugh so hard she nearly tripped on the curb. At mile 1, my watch said 6:34. Sweet. I was on track. AND I was feeling great. So I picked it up a little. I kept trying to push harder and harder, but I still felt comfortable. And people were still laughing. I had to hold the suspenders away from my body, or I would have rubbed my nipples right off (hence the title of this post). FYI, don’t worry, my nipples are fine. They didn’t bleed. But they would have had I not held the suspenders off of my chest.

I didn’t see mile marker number 2, so I just had to keep working hard and hope that I was on pace. Only 1 person passed me, and I passed all kinds of people. Nearing the finish line, I was smiling hard because everyone along the course was laughing. I hit the finish mat, and stopped my watch. 19:28.

Wait...19:28!?!?!?! That’s 6:16 / mile!

Yep. Sub-20 5K. Sweet. And I felt like I had plenty left. AND people were loving my costume. GREAT DAY!!

Oh, on the race course, I was coming up on the Ambiguously Gay Duo (from SNL). As I passed them, I said “Nice job, Ace and Gary!” They said “Thanks...Hey, great outfit...*laughter*” I turned around, shouted over my shoulder, and held up my camera (that I carried the whole time): “If I see you 2 at the finish, I’d love a photo!” They were game. So, just after finishing, I snapped a photo with the Ambiguously Gay Duo:

Steph saw this photo and said, “They may be the gay couple,
but YOU look like the gayest one in that photo!”
Thanks Steph. I think it’s the suspenders.

I ran back toward my car, but I was just planning on getting a t-shirt if I started to get too chilly. My car was near mile 8.5 to mile 9 on the half-marathon course, so I cheered for runners the whole way. I got near my car, and realized I was still plenty warm from the run, so I didn’t put on any more clothes. I just cheered. All the runners smiled. Some had positive feedback: “That’s JUST what I needed!” “Lookin good underwear guy!” “Thanks for making me smile with 4 miles left!” Others teased me: they would put their hands over their eyes and say “I did NOT need to see that right now!” Of course they were smiling the whole time! Parents would point me out so their kids could see me. I high-fived big groups of kids that were still finishing up the 5K (they had a special 5K that was called “The Fastest Trick-Or-Treater” where kids would run and get candy at 3 different points throughout the run). The kids love me. It was like cheering at the Twin Cities Marathon a few weeks ago, but this time I actually started the day with a race.

It wasn’t too long before I saw Lisa, Pharmie’s aunt:

About 15 minutes later, Steph and Jon ran by:

I stayed at that spot and cheered for another half hour or so, and then took off for the finish line. Before leaving my car, I grabbed a shirt. I ran into Cadesdad (blogger), and saw him finish with a time around 1:50 or so:

I talked with Cadesdad and his wife for a few minutes as we were all looking for friends to come across the line. It was nice talking with you, Cadesdad and Cadesmom! Soon, I saw Lisa finish strong. And just a few minutes later, Jon ran by. He was finishing his FIRST half-marathon!

I asked him how Steph was – I was concerned that she was doing horribly and just told him to go on without her. Jon said that HE was feeling great, so he pulled away around mile 10, and Steph was doing fine. Just about 1 minute later, Steph was crossing the line:

Jon and Steph finished just a few minutes over 2 hours, and they were hoping to finish in about 2:10. So the day was a success for everyone I knew! As we were getting ready to leave, Steph said “Steve, you need a photo of yourself!” So she snapped this gem for me:

After the finish, this group of 30-something women walked up to me when I was talking with Steph and Jon. One of them looked at my left hand: “You ARE married! We didn’t think you were. We figured any women wouldn’t let her husband out of the house looking like that!” I was laughing. Another one asked, “But she’s not here to be seen with you, right?” “Yep, she had to work,” I said. Good times.

So, I think I have a new “lucky item” on race days for this upcoming year. No, not the tube socks. No, not the suspenders. Yep, you guessed it. I’m not washing these lucky tighty-whities until at least the end of next season:

This past year, my lucky item was my beaver socks. The toes are going out on those socks, so it may be time to retire them (IM was the last action they saw). So the undies will be “in” for the 2008 season. They’ll be with me, in some form or another, at every race next year. Whether Pharmie likes it or not. It should lead to some interesting races...