Donut Mile Race Report

Or, "Man, This Guy Can EAT!"

Or, "Gagging on Sweetness."

On New Year's Eve, the endurance sports group at the YWCA of Mpls hosted a "Donut Mile," and I had to try it out. It wasn't just cake donuts... it was "full size" glazed donuts from Mel-O-Glaze in Minneapolis:

Donuts on an empty track early Thursday morning. The space between the table and the
trash can was the "donut eating transition zone," and the trash can was also the finish line.


Delicious giant donuts.

Here were the rules for the race:

OFFICIAL RULES:
1. Each competitor eats four donuts and runs eight laps, on the 200m indoor track (start - donut, then 2 laps, then donut, then 2 laps, then donut, then 2 laps, then donut, then 2 laps - finish).
2. Donut must be consumed before the lap is begun, within the transition area which is the 10 meter zone before the start/finish line on a 200m track. It is OK to take off before you've finished swallowing the last bit of donut, at your own risk (see Rule 6).
3. The race begins with the devouring of the first donut in the last meter of the transition zone to ensure the comptitors run a complete mile (1609 meters).
4. Competitors will all eat the same donuts (provided).
5. Consumption of water during the event is encouraged - bring your own.
6. Competitors who vomit before they finish the race must complete one penalty lap at the end of the race (immediately after the completion of their 4th lap). Note: Vomitting more than once during the race still requires only one penalty lap at the end.

I ran an easy 1-mile warm up, then did this:

I couldn't give up my pre-race traditional photo.


Pre-race briefing from Coach Laurie and event organizer Jacob (far left).

The first heat was 7 runners who did a "shorter" race. Here's what was posted on the event website: "For those of you who can't take the heat, you don't have to get out of the kitchen - there will be also be a half-donut mile. You still have to run the whole mile, but you will eat half a donut every quarter-mile." So these 7 ladies lined up with their half donuts:

"READY... GET SET... CHEW!!!!!!"

I don't know if Leslie's strategy of holding the donut in her mouth was that effective...


Still looking good after a few donuts.


Eating more in the transition zone. Notice we pulled another table up
so runners could have a place for their water bottles.

No one barfed in the first heat, but it did claim 1 runner: only 6 of the 7 finished the race.

Finally, the final 12 of us lined up for the "Full 4 Donut" Mile. Someone shouted "GO" and we started eating. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I hadn't even eaten my way to the donut hole before Jacob was off and running! IT WAS INCREDIBLE! After a few more seconds, a few more people got done with their first donut and took off as well. I think I was the 6th or 7th "eater" to leave the donut eating zone. I passed everyone but Jacob on my first 2 laps.

Me running across the track. Oh yeah, I was wearing my "Tutti Frutti" shorts!
What else would I wear for a donut mile?!? :)


Champion eater Jacob running between (lapped) Kym and Bella.

After the 2nd donut, Jacob actually lapped me. He had gone 600+ meters as I was leaving after eating donut #2 having just ran 400 meters. I passed him to stay on the same lap as him. I ran back to eat donut #3 as he was finishing up his 3rd:

SUPER AWKWARD ALL AROUND! Whatever "good donut eating form" is... it's not this.

Jacob barely lapped me after donut #3, and I was 95% sure I was going to take 2nd place. I had 800 meters to go, and he had 600 meters left - that's just too much for me to try to make up, ESPECIALLY with him being such a pro eater!

Lapping Kym (for the 2nd or 3rd time).

TRUE/FUNNY STORY: Near the middle of the race, I had the horrible thought that everything the spectators were saying could be said on the set of a porno:

"Just stuff it in there!"
"Don't think about it - just do it!"
"Just ignore that little bit on your chin!"

I tried not to giggle and just kept at it. (That's what she said.)

On the final donut, Jacob left the donut eating zone shortly after I started eating, and I was determined to just cram the donut in my mouth and take off. He already had about 3/4 of a lap on me when I started my final 400 meters (so he had about 250 meters left). I gained a little ground, but it was still CLEARLY his race - he won by about a half lap.

Coming to the finish past Tom and Anne.

WAIT! LOOK AT THAT LAST PHOTO CLOSER. YOU CAN SEE THE BULGING CHEEKS OF TOM AND ANNE! THEY'VE GOT DONUTS STUFFED IN THERE! (100% legal in this race.)

Squirrel-cheeked, close-lipped, and running for glory!

OFFICIAL RESULTS:

Steve Stenzel, "4 donut race"
8:11
2nd out of 12 overall
2nd out of 4 males

I took my splits (BECAUSE I'M A NERD THAT'S WHY), and here they are:

0:38.06 eating
1:13.32 running
0:59.91 eating
1:11.69 running
0:52.41 eating
1:14.74 running
0:48.23 eating
1:13.38 running

= 8:11.74

4:53.13 total running
3:18.61 total eating

Jacob finished in 7:47 (24 seconds faster than me), and 3rd overall was the first female who finished in 10:18. Here's a photo of her moments after she finished:

Feelin' the burn glaze.


Photo that I Instagrammed of the top 3.

5 POST RACE THOUGHTS:

• This was a little harder than I thought. I've done 4 beer... err... "kitten" miles in the past, and I've also done a Donut Run 5K where I ate 15 donuts over 3.1 miles. I figured it would be noticeably easier than a kitten mile, but it was only a BIT easier. My time was a lot slower than my kitten miles: all 4 of those were over a minute faster than this donut mile (6:46, 6:48, 6:54, and 7:09). Related: CLICK HERE for my last "kitten mile" race report, and CLICK HERE for my donut run 5K race report.

• Each race claimed 1 runner. Six out of 7 finished the "half" donut mile, and 11 out of 12 finished the full donut mile.

• No one barfed, but many people (including me) choked. Near the middle of the race when I started a lap with sugary donut in my mouth, I gagged a bit on the back stretch when I nearly inhaled a marble-sized chunk that had broken off from the large chunk in my mouth.

• If I want to get better at a Donut Mile, I have to get better at breathing/working hard with something in my mouth. Please, get your mind out of the gutter. You disgust me.

• There were 2 good post-race quotes. I overheard one guy saying "I like donuts, and I like running, but..." I didn't hear where this thought ended, but I had a good clue. And Laurie said it best when she noted "if I even think about a donut in my mouth right now, I have a slight urge to vomit." It was true. I told her I was going to have a HEALTHY lunch because I felt gross.

All it took was 1 person to say "Hey Steve, you should lay down in front!"
I give in to peer pressure so easily...


Chunks of donut glaze all over the track.


More glaze in the outside lanes.


Laurie trying to clean up the sugary mess.

This was the "first annual" New Year's Eve Donut Run, so we'll see if I can improve my donut eating in another attempt at this race at the end of 2016. Happy New Year!