Race Report and Video: The SWIM-OFF Against Pro Triathlete Devon Palmer

DO NOT SCROLL PAST THE SECOND VIDEO IN THIS POST. IF YOU WATCH THE VIDEO (only 90 seconds long), YOU CAN SEE HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN AND SEE JUST HOW CLOSE IT WAS!

Henry and I showed up at the pool, and we went over some last-minute cheers:

Direct Link: http://youtu.be/gbTxd4e54wI

We got inside the community center just as Devon got there. He's making a lot of money as a pro triathlete, and his choice of footwear shows that:

I instagrammed this photo shortly after getting there:

I hate @dpalmertri. A lot.

Someone commented "Are those his great-grandfather's swim trunks?" and someone else asked "He shaved his legs for this?" Gross. I think he shaved everything below his nipples except for his "happy trail."

#fashion

Henry was ENTRANCED by the Masters Swim class finishing up. He just wanted to stand right next to the pool and watch them go by:

I shared these next 3 photos in my post on Saturday: Here's Devon and I starting our rivalry back in May before the Gear West Duathlon:

Recreated prior to our race last week.


Double middle fingers towards Devon during his warm-up. This sums up our relationship perfectly.

I explained to Henry that I was about to hop in the pool to make a grown man cry:

At the end of my 50 yard warm up.

We had a cheering section that that went WILD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jared, Jeremy, and Anastasia.

There is NO SPOILER here before the video... just don't scroll down past the video until you watch it. The 4 things you need to know pre-video are:

1. The plan was for me to swim 100 (4 lengths) and Devon to swim 125 (5 lengths). Devon used paddles. We started at the same time on opposite ends of the pool so the finish would be side-by-side.

2. Watch Devon take off a FULL SECOND before me. Amazing.

3. I can't / won't do flip turns. Shut up. And I can't dolphin kick either. I'm not even sure what I do is considered "swimming."

4. As I'm nearing the final turn, right around when you hear a women shout "Comin' down!", you can also hear a little of Henry shouting "Go Daddy, go Daddy, go Daddy, go!" He's the best. Devon, you're the worst. If you were sausage, you'd be the wurst.


Direct Link: http://youtu.be/fEmA7JPGq9s

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(Intentionally left blank as to not spoil the results if you're still watching the video.)
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Pushing off after 50 yards, I KNEW Devon was going to catch me. I was swimming scared.

When I asked "who got it" at the end, I heard someone scream "DEVON'S A CHEATER," and I thought Devon won. It wasn't until about 2 minutes later once I was out of the pool and as I was talking with Jeremy that I realized I had won! The finish was this close:

About 18 inches. There's a joke in there about Devon's Mom
and 18 inches, but I'm not sure if I want to go there.


Still catching my breath post-race, still thinking that Devon had won.


Being assaulted by a sasquatch / baboon hybrid.

According to the "official" cellphone timers, I finished in 1:09.6 and Devon finished in 1:10.4, but the actual finish was closer than that. I bet when Devon left a bit early, his time was started a bit early. (We were timed on separate cellphones.) When we hit the finish, it was much closer than 0.8 seconds. My camera shoots 25 frames / second, and we finished 8 frames apart. 8/25 of a second is 0.32 seconds, so we hit the wall about 1/3 of a second apart. Close.


3 RACE NOTES:

• I kinda forgot I was racing. You know how you're really stressed before some races, and how others are a little more casual? Well, there was NO stress leading up to this race. Henry tends to do that to me - if I'm chasing him around pre-race, I don't have time to over-think the upcoming race and get too worried about it. Even though this race was the culmination of MONTHS of trash-talk, this was the least stressed I'd ever been before racing.

• I didn't think about ANYTHING during the race. (Except for brief moments of remembering how attractive Devon's Mom is.) When I finished, I tried to think "how were my push-offs? How much did I 'glide?' Did I breathe too much at the end? Was I kicking well?" And I didn't know the answer to any of that. I simply was trying to swim fast. It was too quick for me to think about any form - I just moved my body.

• 1:09.6 is officially a 100 yard PR. At my first swim meet back in February, I did a dive-start and a 1:10.17. Sure, this pool-start, cellphone timed 100 is less "official," but it's still going down as a PR!

Back in the locker room, Henry and I held the sign Devon made for me when he was cheering at IM AZ:

Devon tweeted this image saying "Even @SteveinaSpeedo's own son shares
my opinion that he is the worst. Duel is done!"

I'm now 2-for-2 in beating Devon in personal challenges - his ass is getting jealous of the amount of shit coming out of his mouth. Not only that, but I still have both of my testicles and only 2 nipples. I'm not saying... but I'm just saying. And my birth certificate is not simply an apology letter from the condom factory, unlike Devon's.

Back with more on this soon. Devon may have his side of this on his blog shortly.