9 Miler and Frozen Man-Bits

>> Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Last night after teaching, I threw on the reflective vest and headed out for a long run in the dark. The BEAUTIFUL day we had on Saturday when it was 46 degrees melted a lot of snow. And now it had re-frozen on the sidewalks. It was treacherous!! (even with my beloved YakTrax...)

During the run, it was 3 degrees with a wind chill of about 11 below. Just another great day in MN! The run went OK, but the nasty sidewalks were really slowing me down. I ended up doing 9 miles in just under 62 minutes (6 seconds faster than my last slippery 9 miler - how's THAT for consistency!).

When I got in the house, I snapped a picture. The upper half of my face was sweaty, and the lower half (along with my hat) was covered in ice:

After standing around for a minute or 2, I realized I couldn’t feel my penis. Yep, it was frozen. I took another photo once I came to that horrible realization:

It thawed out (as I was clutching it and whining), and everything was fine. (It wasn’t as bad as the first time this happened.) Pharmie asked to see it, and she laughed at how red it was. And it WAS red.

From base to tip: red and tingly.

And not a “good” tingly... like the kind I get when watching movies starring Jessica Alba. Or eating REALLY good pizza. (Oh, who am I kidding?... Even mediocre pizza does that to me...)

Anyway, I think my YakTrax are telling me to stop running in those rough conditions, too. After 2 good winters on this pair, I think they’re done:

Until the sidewalks clear up a little (or a find a good cleared trail nearby), I think I’ll stick to the suckmill at the Y.



Mel-2nd Chances 11:40 AM, February 03, 2009  

well, it seems that they've been put to good use! :)

Chic Runner 2:48 PM, February 03, 2009  

wow steve. Wow. hope you're feeling better soon! And these pics make me cold just looking at them!

Missy 2:51 PM, February 03, 2009  

OK, I hate the dreadmill too but seriously!?!?! You need to get inside.

Charlotte 2:53 PM, February 03, 2009  

I had no idea you could freeze your man-bits! Suddenly my respect for male runners has gone way up. I've never heard of a woman complaining about anything remotely similar... It makes me want to survey all my male friends.

Molly 2:55 PM, February 03, 2009  

Wow. Erm, ouch? *shudder*

Hope you are feeling better!

Carolina John 2:56 PM, February 03, 2009  

yea i think it's time for some new yaktrax.

sorry to hear about the frostbitten johnson. Were they able to re-attach it? I know having your peter freeze and fall off couldn't have been fun. we don't get that cold here in sc.

I was in myrtle beach with a buddy once, and we were walking around drunk and stopped to piss off of a bridge. I turned to him and said "man, that water's cold". He said "yea, and it's deep too". This is what happens when you go to myrtle beach.

Anne 3:14 PM, February 03, 2009  

Slow to learn, slow to burn. You'd think once was enough. You need one of those slings that long distance skiers use to avoid the same thing.

Jo Lynn 3:21 PM, February 03, 2009  

We sell YakTrax at my work but seriously, if I ever have to strap them on my kicks, I don't know what I would do. Your posts about the runs in the cold with the ice on your face and now your penis frozen? I sit here in amazement. I give you a lot of credit man! I am a super WIMP. And again, my hero man, I bow to you. ;)

Pip 3:35 PM, February 03, 2009  

Oh, so that's what Yak Trax look like! Coming from a non-snowy climate I had no idea.

I can't believe the temperatures you run in over there. I feel like a real wimp! Having said that, I posted a blister picture for you. I may have lost a blog reader in the process though!


Unknown 3:36 PM, February 03, 2009  

Not a chance I'm going to do that. Just wayyyyy toooo coldddd.

Anonymous,  3:47 PM, February 03, 2009  

Yikes, that was a close one.

The Boring Runner 3:57 PM, February 03, 2009  

After hearing about your dingle and seeing that there were more pictures, I was afraid to scroll down! Buddy of mine in Chicago had a similar 'experience' this morning too.

Mmmm, pizza makes me feel bad in all the right ways.

Coach Liz 4:05 PM, February 03, 2009  

That sweaty/frozen picture of your face was wild. No wonder you froze your dipstick. Just don't show us any pictures of the ice build up on the surrounding area.

nwgdc 4:09 PM, February 03, 2009  

Man, I feel your pain (not literally...I don't want to feel that part of you, but I have experienced it in the past). it's horrible!

Runner Leana 4:09 PM, February 03, 2009  

RIP your Yak Trax! Your post was funny...you are definitely going to get some good Google hits now I expect!

Anonymous,  4:30 PM, February 03, 2009  

You post pics of your feet, your frozen face, your watch scum, your broken YakTrax, so where is the one of your Frank-n-Beans?

Seeing is believing ya know! :) Just kidding...

That would hurt - ow - did you dip them all into a vat of warm water?

Unknown 4:50 PM, February 03, 2009  

It gets cold in our southern regions. Thanks for no blurry pix. :) Keep it up stud you are way to fast for me. I just ran almost 9 in 88 minutes.

Gabriel Losa 4:59 PM, February 03, 2009  

Hi, Steve… my name is Gabriel and I´m writing from Argentina, in South America.

I found your blog looking for “reading material” - a.k.a. cool blogs about running (I´m a runner myself) and I have to tell you: your blog is awesome. Is funny, interesting, I can´t say “useful for me” because I´m light years from an IM, but anyway is cool to read about that too.

I´m just commenting to congratulate you and let you know that far away from Minnesota in the south of the continent (where is really, really hot right now) you have a reader.



PS: Just a small question. In your old posts you always complain for an injury in your knee (I guess it was your IT band)… how did you heal that?

PS2: I´m really sorry for my lousy English.

Trishie 5:07 PM, February 03, 2009  

thank you for not posting a photo of your frozen man bits ;)

Amy 5:12 PM, February 03, 2009  

Yup, your Yax Trax look like toast. Hilarious post.

joyRuN 5:19 PM, February 03, 2009  

Um. Okay then. Glad to hear all is well with your stuff.

And your poor Yaktrax!! I felt sad looking at that pic :(

Shannon 5:32 PM, February 03, 2009  

From pictures of your naked ass to your "tow up to the flo up" feet, now I'm reading about your frozen penis. What's next, nipple piercing pictures?!?

That's why we love Stevoreni! LOL

LoveOfShoes 5:42 PM, February 03, 2009  

Sometimes with the titles of your posts I am afraid of the pictures that may accompany the stories :)

Glad to see these were only pics of your frozen face ha

Nicole 5:45 PM, February 03, 2009  

I think we all need to chip in and buy you a new pair of Yaktrax just so we can read hilarious posts like this one...I too was afraid to scroll, but...

Maybe yaktrax could make you their official spokesman...that should be good for at least a new pair!

teacherwoman 5:52 PM, February 03, 2009  

Okay, I am living in the same cold temps as you and I can't imagine running in those conditions. Are you nutz? LOL

Time for new YakTrax!

t-odd 6:18 PM, February 03, 2009  

I commend your discretion regarding posting pictures of frozen body parts. Wind shorts are my best friend for my "best friend" especially this winter. Sorry about the treadmill - I refuse to go there.

Anonymous,  6:19 PM, February 03, 2009  

I suppose there's not much unexplored territory left.... Civilizatiion has penetrated pretty far into DARKEST STEVE.... But I'd like to think there's still some "terra incognita" where no man (at least) has yet fared.... Something to DREAM about....

Meanwhile, it's been days since a good GROSS FOOT PICTURE, which is long enough for some of us to go into WITHDRAWAL! Right, GIRLS?


RBR 6:56 PM, February 03, 2009  

Ok, enough is enough.

Icicles on your face, frozen eyelashes, glasses frozen half over,... These are all nuts, but still under the purview of 'hardcore'.

Frozen "little Steve" and the twins? Not cool.

Well, I guess I should say WAY too flippin' cool. And not in a good way. The suckmill is definitely in order.

Anonymous,  7:07 PM, February 03, 2009  

Battle stations, everybody!

Riot in the hen-house....

Where's the Little Red Rooster?

Look out, Chanticleer! The League of Decency's gonna SHUT YOU DOWN!!!

Bootchez 8:08 PM, February 03, 2009  

OK, so you didn't *post* a picture, but did you TAKE one?

Enquiring minds, and all that. Really, though, take a breather and join all us other winter runners on the treadmill . . .

Bootchez 8:10 PM, February 03, 2009  

. . . and where's that Bowl Full of Sunshine now, eh? More like a Bowl Full of Cold, er, . . . ?

Casey 8:21 PM, February 03, 2009  

Looks like YakTrax also get "sprung" when Jessica Alba (or good pizza) is mentioned. Har, har.

Michelle 8:22 PM, February 03, 2009  

YIKES!!! Frozen red penis!! What a visual for me to take to bed!!!


Thaw out that penis and keep it dry Steve!!!

I'm just saying!!!

Oh and yeah great run!!!!

Carly 9:03 PM, February 03, 2009  

You might have the next big running gadget.....a fleece lined penis warmer, complete with wicking material. It could be the next million dollar idea.

Amber 9:47 PM, February 03, 2009  

Omg, I'd never run outside in those kinds of temperatures. -5 C is my limit and then I'm hitting the treadmill!

Borsch 10:44 PM, February 03, 2009  

Hmmm...I bet yaktraks sends you another pair. can you get me one to. :-)

Diana 11:27 PM, February 03, 2009  

Working in a hospital, I've seen a lot of penis' in my day, but never a frozen one.....is it wrong for me to wish there was a pic???!!!
At least it didn't crack off! :)

Shannon 5:38 AM, February 04, 2009  

Stevoreni (this is the last time I'm calling you that) email me at jsejt@yahoo.com for "the interview." :)

Jess 7:49 AM, February 04, 2009  

Haha only you would tell us about your frozen man parts. Sorry to hear about the death of your YakTrax. Good luck getting it done on the dreadmill.

Sun Runner 7:52 AM, February 04, 2009  

Oh, man...well, this morning I went out for 6 miles. Zero degrees, wind chill factor of minus 16 (or so I was reminded about every two minutes on the local NPR outlet on my way to work). Around mile 4 I realized my gloved hands, which had been chilly but not uncomfortably cold, were...uncomfortably cold. By mile 5 I was in serious pain. And DUH, of course I finished my 6 miles. But my hands were frozen claws. It was agony. But not nearly as bad as the agony I experienced when I got them under some lukewarm water in my kitchen. Oh, the sick throbbing. It hurt so much I thought I was going to throw up. I was moaning and groaning with my forehead against the sink edge and my pathetic hands under water. And the whole time my frozen chunks were slowly thawing all I kept thinking was: "Oh man...is this what Steve's weenie felt like? Oh dear god, the poor guy..." Fingers are one thing but a dude's man-bits are quite another.

No frostbite, but I think it was a very narrow escape. My fingertips still hurt. There was some suspicious purple color going on earlier but it's gone now.

And to think when I first stepped out the door, I thought, "Hey, it's not that bad out here!" Stupid! (oh yeah, I'm in Michigan).

Chad 8:19 AM, February 04, 2009  


You need a jacket for that thing. Messing around with the man-parts is serious stuff. You can't risk damaging the goods!

Anonymous,  9:18 AM, February 04, 2009  

There's nothing like some good pizza...

Kelly 9:22 AM, February 04, 2009  

I'm pretty sure having your "man parts" freeze is a very bad thing. If you get frostbite down there, it might cause problems down the line (lack of feeling, puss!). Blehhh.

Heather 9:30 AM, February 04, 2009  

Hopefully this morning was our last really miserable cold morning . . . I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a warm up!

Ann 9:54 AM, February 04, 2009  

only a truly dedicated runner would risk frozen man parts!

Herself, the GeekGirl 11:26 AM, February 04, 2009  

Frozen manparts nonwithstanding (there's a phrase I bet has never been uttered before) Baboo does this thing where he puts small metal screws into the bottom of a pair of worn shoes - he says they work great for running in areas where ice is. Just a thought for you to experiment with, if you haven't already.

Jess 11:54 AM, February 04, 2009  

Did Pharmie help wamr up the man bits? Because you had a really good segue into some pity luvin there.

Ryan 12:17 PM, February 04, 2009  

I love the way you write the word, "penis."

Anonymous,  1:33 PM, February 04, 2009  

Whatever else you do, do NOT let Pharmacy watch DAY OF THE WOMAN!

Anonymous,  3:02 PM, February 04, 2009  

Here's your new THEME SONG:

Once upon a time they played that "FO-LO-DEE-OH-DO"
But that was long ago..
Then they started singin' that "BOO-BOOP-EE=DO"
But they got tired of that, you know.
Now here's a little tune that's goin' 'round,
You can hear it all over town,

They're singin':

Ink, a dink a dink,
A dink a dink
A dink a doo,
Oh what a tune for croonin.,
Ink a dink a dink
A dink a dink
A dink a doo,
It's got the whole world swoonion'
Eskimo belles up in Iceland
Have got themsselves a real paradise land
Ink a dink a dink
A dink a dink
A dink a doo
Ink a dink a dink,
a dink a doo.

-Jimmy Durante

Unknown 3:03 PM, February 04, 2009  

WOW those poor YakTrax. Mine have been holding up well. Knock on wood. I think the whole man bits info, might have been a little much for me. BUt I would not expect anything less from you. :)

Benson 3:40 PM, February 04, 2009  

Save the tackle, get a cod piece.
A jock strap with a fleece liner works great.

check this link for an alternative to yaktrax.


SixTwoThree 3:40 PM, February 04, 2009  

There's a present for you on my blog!

Unknown 3:40 PM, February 04, 2009  

I honestly don't know how you people run in cold weather! That's all I'm sayin about that...

Anonymous,  8:33 AM, February 05, 2009  

I think you have a new invention and should sell it. I can see you now on QVC promoting this new article of clothing.

I assume you've seen that crazy looking robe thing called the 'snuggie' Use that same concept and create one for the man bits. Call it the 'Lil Snuggie'


Anonymous,  9:52 AM, February 05, 2009  

did it myself this morning in boston... froze the man-bits...my hat came in handy, but can't say i'll ever put it back on my head...

Run For Life 11:39 AM, February 05, 2009  

I was hesitant to read this based on the title and then when you stated you couldn't feel your penis and had taken another photo after you realized that made me make the same face as in your pic, haha. Stay warm!

Jim Smith II 1:59 PM, February 05, 2009  

Have you tried screws into a pair of old shoes? A friend (seriously, I wouldn't run outside in weather like that) screwed a bunch of hex head 1/4 inch screws into their shoes and instant traction. Obviously you can only wear them in certain conditions, but you live in MN for goodness sake...

Lindsay 7:28 PM, February 05, 2009  

uhh forget the yaktrax - move somewhere warmer!!

sRod 9:37 AM, February 12, 2009  

So I think you should have titled this post "No boing." Why? Well, first your man bits aren't going boing any time soon if they're frozen. Second, the moment I saw your yaktrax the sound effect "boing" popped into my head--you know, like in Looney Tunes when a machine breaks.

That's my two cents.

RooBabs 1:56 PM, February 12, 2009  

Okay, that was kind of TMI, but sorry to hear about your frozen-ness. And I think your YakTrax are definitely toast. But glad to see they've gotten some good use.

P.S. Maybe you should invest in some thermal undies- or at least a thermal jock strap.

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