I got frostbite DOWN THERE!

>> Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Yep. It’s what you think.

I went for a nice 5 mile run yesterday afternoon, between teaching classes at CVA and the U. All was well. I was running just slower than 7 minute miles, contemplating doing a half marathon in late January. It was a cool 20 degree afternoon, and I had turned back into the slight breeze. I was about a mile and a half from home when “something” started to feel “weird.” Here’s where the lovely run turns south.

“I think the tip of my bishop is frozen,” I thought. I didn’t know what to do. So I just kept running. I didn’t have far to go.

As the minutes wore on, I realized it was getting more and more numb. I was starting to freak a little. I’ve seen photos of what bad frostbite does to fingers. I did NOT want any of that for my John Dillinger.

I was only wearing thin “swishy” pants with boxers underneath. My legs were plenty warm. But my wombat was freezing his one eye off. I did all I could to get home ASAP.

I got through the door and dropped trou immediately. My third leg didn’t look too swell. It was all small and red. Bright red. Not a natural color. I held him in my hand as I called Pharmie’s cell. As the phone was ringing, the sensation was starting to come back. It was JUST like when you lose feeling in your fingers, but in this case, that raw and burning feeling was down there!

I told Phamie what was going on. What did my loving wife do? She started laughing: “Oh, this isn’t supposed to be funny, but I can’t keep from laughing!” It WAS funny - to everyone in the world except me. Thanks Hun. I was coddling it in my hands. It was numb clear down to the base. I was whimpering. I was just like a little boy who found his little pet mouse dead, and was carrying it around as he was crying. Wait, I suppose I shouldn’t have referred to it as a “little mouse.” Oh well.

For about 10 minutes, I was not a happy camper. It was like holding an ice cube in my hand. I didn’t know what to do: “Do I run it under hot water? Do I take a bath? Do I cut it off while it’s still numb and save myself years of expensive and painful tallywacker rehab?” I was lost. I was, well, like a boy without his pixie stick. Literally.

When that hot, burning, regaining-feeling sensation had passed, I took a shower. After the shower, my little buddy had a red ring around him. It looked like an STD. I got an STD from that whore, Mother Nature. She got it from Father Time, who probably got it from that weekend he spent with Lindsey Lohan.

Now, all is better. About 2 hours after the run, my kielbasa was back to normal. The redness is gone. The weird STD-looking rash is gone. Function has returned. In case your wondering, I did NOT take any photos of my banana when it was red and frozen. I think that would have been a little too much. Even for me.

This has taught me 2 things:
1. Keep the lightsaber insulated.
2. My “line” lies somewhere between putting images of my chest after my cats have licked me all over on the web, and NOT putting images of my frostbitten Pink Floyd on the web.

I can assure you that all of this is true. It is by no means a stunt to get your vote. The details have not been exaggerated. This is a factual recollection of nearly freezing off my beef-bus. Use this new knowledge, and never NEVER let this happen to you.

p.s. In case you haven’t been keeping track, these are my favorite penis euphemisms: bishop, John Dillinger, wombat, third leg, little mouse, tallywacker, pixie stick, little buddy, kielbassa, banana, lightsaber, Pink Floyd, beef-bus.

56 comments:

greyhound 8:12 AM, December 12, 2007  

Thank gawd. No pictures.

80 degrees and stanky humid down here today.

J-Wim 8:16 AM, December 12, 2007  

"I got an STD from that whore, Mother Nature. She got it from Father Time, who probably got it from that weekend he spent with Lindsey Lohan."

Now thats some funny stuff there.
You'll have to pick up some of the plumbers pipe wrap or heat tape or something eh?

Triseverance 8:39 AM, December 12, 2007  

Welcome to the Penissicle club.

E-Speed 8:40 AM, December 12, 2007  

two of your favorite euphemisms include little in them. not good!

Kewl Nitrox 9:03 AM, December 12, 2007  

After reading that, I am SO GLAD I live in tropical Singapore! :-)

Sorry I have been away for 4 months and thanks for checking in on me. I am back with a new blog now "Life to the Full" and hope to see you there sometime.

Lisa - Slow & Steady 9:14 AM, December 12, 2007  

I think you really need to take on a new cause. You're a college professor. Do some research. Run an experiment. Do Something. For the love of humanity, find a some way for men to avoid freezing off their Bits and Bobs.

Lola Rastaquou√®re 9:21 AM, December 12, 2007  

what a hoot! yes that is way more information than i ever needed to know about you, and i will never look at you the same when you come in to get your paycheck. you've been warned-

Dana 9:30 AM, December 12, 2007  

Your blog is freakin hilarious! I was wondering if there was something you WOULD NOT post a pic of.

Rural Girl 9:30 AM, December 12, 2007  

Whew, I was worried for a minute there!

Allez 9:30 AM, December 12, 2007  

Take care of the little mouse! I have a friend in WI that got "soft tissue" frost bite. No one will ever let that down!

Kim 9:32 AM, December 12, 2007  

steve! you should know as a runner, living in a f#$king cold state of minnesota, you should know better than to wear boxers and swishy pants!!!! i hope the peepee is feeling better today!

cindy 9:45 AM, December 12, 2007  

Okay, I am definitely getting my husband some cold weather running gear for Christmas!

J~mom 10:07 AM, December 12, 2007  

Dude you have to be careful out there!

Doug 10:12 AM, December 12, 2007  

Dang Steve, I really feel your pain. I had some pretty close calls last winter when we had -20 wind chills in Illinois!

I am very impressed by your list of euphemisms.

Jennifer P 10:42 AM, December 12, 2007  

OK, even I have wind briefs to protect my girlie bits.
http://sugoi.ca/item/76108/SUG19010U

Laurie 11:22 AM, December 12, 2007  

OMG You are hilarious. I am crying over here. .

I am so glad you have a line. Whew.

Tri-John 11:29 AM, December 12, 2007  

The next time you find yourself miles from home with a freezing pixie stick... for manhood’s sake... sacrifice the toes and apply one sock to the little tri-guy. You have ten toes but only one heat seeking missile.

Glad to hear everything worked out in the end!

Marcy 11:36 AM, December 12, 2007  

Ohhhhhhhh my gawd! I'm speechless.

21stCenturyMom 11:46 AM, December 12, 2007  

Thank you for expanding my vocabulary. I was really tired of 'one eyed snake' and 'johnson'. You've made my day!

ps- I'm really glad I voted for you

m 12:12 PM, December 12, 2007  

Steve,

that comment you left cracked me up!

Pixie stick?

Need I say more?

Team Brazo 2:00 PM, December 12, 2007  

PLEEEEEASE -- keep that camera in the camera bag -- otherwise, I may need to change my vote!!

Jess 2:17 PM, December 12, 2007  

"The lightsaber"!? Oh my bob, that slays me!

Lance Notstrong 3:10 PM, December 12, 2007  

You literally were freezing your *$^# off!!! :-)

Nat 4:27 PM, December 12, 2007  

We're all appreciative that this wasn't a Kodak moment. God you're funny.

Shawn 8:09 PM, December 12, 2007  

Glad everything is in order now. Wicked funny post man!

teacherwoman 8:18 PM, December 12, 2007  

That is too funny! And I am only laughing because now I know it is all good...

Rainmaker 10:08 PM, December 12, 2007  

Just when I start to wonder how it could get any weirder...

Coach Tammy 1:21 AM, December 13, 2007  

What, no pictures this time? Bahahaha!

Bruno 8:47 AM, December 13, 2007  

Wow, Steve, first time I checked your blog, and this is the first message I see. You're definitely going to my blogroll! That was my morning laugh.

TrainingtoTri 9:55 AM, December 13, 2007  

Wow I have never seen so many comments on a blog! Your penis must get everyone's attention. Love the Lindsey Lohan shot out, too funny.

Monica

Michelle 12:43 PM, December 13, 2007  

Thanks for stopping by. And, um, this is a whopper of an introduction to your blog!

Sensationally Red 1:10 PM, December 13, 2007  

Very entertaining. Your pain made my day!

jessie 1:52 PM, December 13, 2007  

santa ought to leave you a pair of wind briefs in your stocking. My hubby loves his.

Protect future generations!!!

Dying Water Buffalo 2:40 PM, December 13, 2007  

oh Steve, oh Steve, oh Steve... what a wonderful day I picked to catch up on your blog. lucky me :)

Curly Su 4:26 PM, December 13, 2007  

i WAS keeping track...and was very impressed with the diversity of your vocab. Glad everything is okay.

triguyjt 4:50 PM, December 13, 2007  

Steve--
does your little soldier still salute????
or...should we read Pharmies blog for that answer???

Bigun 5:29 PM, December 13, 2007  

I guess, "cold as a witches' tit..." just doens't carry the same weight as, "cold as the Speedo's schvancestuga..." anymore.

kt 7:57 PM, December 13, 2007  

Oh my gosh, Steve, my friend, they make briefs for that sort of thing. Or you could go the cheap way and use an extra sock, or so I hear!

ShirleyPerly 8:11 PM, December 13, 2007  

Yes, I read every word all the way to the bottom, even though I knew such "knowledge" would be of no use to me, a female who lives in FL, unless I want to engage in a fond name calling game.

The Laminator 8:15 PM, December 13, 2007  

Hi! I'm new to your blog. Thanks for your comment on mine. But boy, looks like I'm late to the party. Very very funny stuff. Will come back more often. Later!

Bob Gentile 9:42 PM, December 13, 2007  

Mother Nature that whore she just don't stop huh ...floods, fires, mudslides, ice storms, hurricanes, freezing tips of peckers, tornadoes, earthquakes....

what do u want from us Mother Nature for us to live in a cave? Leave us be for a while its the Holiday Season especially our Johnsons!!

Now i live in FL so Don't really have to worry about the frostbite but over the summer I think my boy got heatstroke-lol

RunBubbaRun 7:52 AM, December 14, 2007  

Triple layer baby, it helps with the wind burn feeling down there...

Yeah, my wife laughs at me all the time after my winter runs...

Wylee 7:56 AM, December 14, 2007  

Oh, I feel your pain. Well, ok, you're right, that wasn't the best phrase I could have chosen. I didn't literally FEEL your pain, but having experienced frostbite myself this past week (on my LEGS) I can certainly emphathize with your pain. This is a damn cold winter in the Northwoods, aye?

Glad you figured out where your "line" is, though I suspect you took the photos, you just won't post them.

the Dread Pirate Rackham 8:20 AM, December 14, 2007  

OK, so, same thing happened to my husband the other day (he is also a Steve). but he came home and plopped big steve right into my hand. Poor guy was frozen. that can't be fun!

And I laughed too. It's funny, AND it's funny looking! I have no shame!

pee ess - you need a copy of Roger's Profanisaurus - excellent reading

here it is online
http://www.viz.co.uk/?%2Fprofanisaurus%2Fprofan_index.php%3Ffb%3D1

Pokey 11:49 AM, December 14, 2007  

Posts like this make me glad to be female, LOL!!!

This post had me rolling....what a great day to visit your blog! :)

monica 1:06 PM, December 14, 2007  

you gotta handle your business like the chili peppers back in the day did. as they say,"rock out with your cock out"


http://www.gobaeng.de/images/products/xl738.jpg

http://991.com/newGallery/Red-Hot-Chili-Peppers-The-Abbey-Road-EP-89395.jpg

Caroline Houdek 7:31 PM, December 14, 2007  

I'm glad you do have a line about what you post. I was beginning to wonder...

Tri-Dummy 8:44 AM, December 15, 2007  

haven't you ever seen the Chili Peppers album cover with the "sock?"

that's what you need on your unit, your chingasso, your hawg, Caesar the Pleaser, crizank, your...

Triteacher 3:51 PM, December 16, 2007  

"I got an STD from that whore, Mother Nature. She got it from Father Time, who probably got it from that weekend he spent with Lindsey Lohan." That is just downright clever stuff. Thanks for the laugh, Steve!

jeanne 9:17 PM, December 19, 2007  

i've never read so many euphemisms for the little man in one place! well done, if a little rare.
:)

CoachLiz 10:13 PM, December 20, 2007  

NICE!

laughed so hard I snorted. I had to lie to my 9 year-old what i was laughing about.

tri-mama 7:21 PM, December 22, 2007  

First it is not helpful to have to post a comment after "pokey" I'd just stop choking on beer the first time- you know, I could knit you a little something....

kilroy occupied these coordinates 3:08 PM, January 28, 2008  

I experienced this for the first time this past December as well. Not a fun thing at all ... I was in the middle of a hill-training session and It was very painful. I took off one of my gloves and put it down my pants but it wasn't much help.

RedCoat 1:46 AM, January 12, 2010  

I had this EXACT experience just 30 minutes ago! After I returned from a 7 mile run in 20 degree temps with nothing more than boxers and "swishee" pants I went scouring the internet for solutions to my frozen pop-sickle. And guess what came up, your blog post! It was nice to read that you recovered and got back full functioning of the frank and beans. My meat scepter is thankfully back in business as well. This is one mistake I will NOT make again!

Anonymous,  5:00 PM, July 05, 2010  

It is useful to try everything in practice anyway and I like that here it's always possible to find something new. :)

Anonymous,  7:44 AM, December 02, 2012  

legitimately, with a foreskin you the tip would have closed so you would have just peed out one drop to avoid frostbite. sorry i'm only saying this cuz i ran across this blog.

Post a Comment

Thanks for your comments! Have a great day!

Twitter

Follow steveinaspeedo on Twitter

Facebook Fan Page

All content and original images copyright 2006 - 2014 by Steve Stenzel, AKA "Steve in a Speedo." All Rights Reserved.
Want to use something seen here? Just ask - I don't bite.