Explaining My Smelly Butt

>> Monday, February 09, 2009

So as I mentioned in my previous post, I was gassy and stinky for my 11 miles on the treadmill yesterday. That's never good news. To make things worse, my lovely wife was running on the treadmill right next to me. Yeah. I'm a GREAT hubby.

We got to the Y for our run. I hoped to go 11, and Pharmie was shooting for 8. We signed up for treadmills side-by-side in the back room of the Y that has about 8-10 treadmills total. I ran to the bathroom quick as my stomach was a little upset. Then I hit the suckmill.

There were a few other people in there. My stomach was upset, and I really need to release some pressure. After a few minutes, I couldn't keep reabsorbing my farts. I had to let a little one slide (I actually started letting about 30% of each fart escape so I wouldn't explode). Yeah, it was the "silent but deadly" variety. My fav. After a second, Pharmie looked at me in the mirror, scrunched her nose, and smiled. I smiled back. After 2 more seconds, she looked back at me again, as if to say, "No, you don't think that was ME? Do you?" (I know her "looks.") I smiled and coyly pointed to myself. She almost started laughing.

The first fart was funny. The remaining 30, well, let's just say the joke got old. Everyone else on nearby treadmills left. The room cleared out. I don't know if they were done, or if they just got gassed out. Pharmie hopped off her treadmill to turn on a big fan, but that wasn't going to help things: she was still down-wind from me. So when I farted, I didn't have to smell it at all, and it just jumped over and clung to her.

I'm joking about this, but I seriously thought there could be a moment when I would have to jump off the treadmill and sprint to the bathroom - my stomach (or GI tract) was NOT happy about something. And it was making Pharmie suffer.

Finally, Pharmie had to move. She jumped off her treadmill and moved over 2 treadmills to the other side of me - UPWIND. After that, she was fine. Our marriage was going to make it! I finished 11 miles (in 1:13), and she finished 8. She's usually the "farter," but I nearly caught up to her with my little bout yesterday.

Alright, I gotta go teach a class. My post below has 2 quick photos from the stinky treadmill session (the photo of Pharmie is her once she moved down to get upwind from my ass), and the post below that has a great photo of my shoulder hair glistening with sweat after 60 minutes on the trainer. Have a good week everyone!

p.s. I TRIED to get in a quick ab workout last night, but it's hard to get motivated when your warm cats curl up on you like this:



45 comments:

tfh 9:16 AM, February 09, 2009  

Ahh, way to keep the romance alive. This post reminded me of the reason I quit yoga class...sweet photo!

Brian 9:34 AM, February 09, 2009  

I'm sure she loves hearing you say, "usually she's the farter". Gotta love seeing peoples expressions and slightly looking around to find the culprit.

Missy 9:39 AM, February 09, 2009  

Better out than in, I say! You don't want your guts to explode!

MadisonDuo 9:50 AM, February 09, 2009  

I'm impressed you can fart and run at the same time and that there haven't been any mis-haps yet.

:)

Charisa 10:32 AM, February 09, 2009  

Love the cats!! And I'm laughing at the pic of your wife 2 treadmills over from you :) Great job on the run!!

Anonymous,  10:49 AM, February 09, 2009  

Nice cat photos. My cat came from the Humane Society. A bargain at $25 (he was on sale): he fetches, and recognizes the brand names of his favorite foods - he's selectively intelligent, in other words. O yeah, his other trait - he has extra toes on his front feet. Yes, Toby has GROSS FEET!

Back to your post. You can always tell when someone's COVERING UP. We ALL KNOW. It was LANCE, the INTREPID HAMSTER....

He should get the CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL for bravery....

Or was he just trying to escape those cats, and took a WRONG TURN?

Well, it's nice to see you clothed for a change, just don't overdo it....

Anonymous,  10:57 AM, February 09, 2009  

P.S. What DID you do with him, anyway. I mean Lance. His (little) BODY!

We need it, for the ceremony....

MEDAL OF HONOR, POSTHUMOUS!

sharon,  11:04 AM, February 09, 2009  

You outdid yourself! I was literally falling out of my chair laughing- thanks for the monday pick me upper!

D10 11:33 AM, February 09, 2009  

Too funny. How nice of you to only let out 30%. Cute picture.

Marlene 11:40 AM, February 09, 2009  

So, did releasing gas propel you forward any faster?

Diana 11:41 AM, February 09, 2009  

I love the cats! The calico looks like mine! I love the fart story, however, my blog contains a different story.....not so nice in the end like yours.....
Enjoying a good long run and on the dreadmill, nice job!

Tri Dave 11:53 AM, February 09, 2009  

I hope your cats don't mind the farts!

Jess 11:55 AM, February 09, 2009  

Sucks that you didn't have the cats around to blame the gass on. My husband always tries to blame his farts on the dog. However, there is a clear distinction between a dog fart and a human fart, so I'm never fooled.

Blyfinn 12:03 PM, February 09, 2009  

Okay I blame you for having my co-workers give me dirty looks for laughing so hard while reading this post. That was great.

Trishie 12:21 PM, February 09, 2009  

Awh, sweet photo!
Gah, I hear you on the farts. whenever we're in the car and I roll down my window, my husband knows one is about to hit him...

Chic Runner 12:57 PM, February 09, 2009  

Poor Pharmie.. But I had this problem this weekend too. Mine was from mexican and it was AWFUL. ha ha, glad we were both torturing our lovers. :)

akshaye 1:04 PM, February 09, 2009  

Haha.. Maybe she needs to invest in a gas mask!

Xenia 1:10 PM, February 09, 2009  

Hello Gas Man. Your wife is a real trooper.

Love the photo. I miss my cat a lot. :(

Charlotte 1:13 PM, February 09, 2009  

And just in time for Valentine's Day! The things I learn from you Steve.

Heather 2:38 PM, February 09, 2009  

I can't believe your wife didn't move upwind sooner! She should get a couple of extra credit miles for putting up with the stinkiness.

Michelle 3:19 PM, February 09, 2009  

I couldn't keep reabsorbing my farts. I had to let a little one slide (I actually started letting about 30% of each fart escape so I wouldn't explode).

Ok i love the reabsorbing my farts line! But Steve how did you know it was 30% of each fart??? Is there some sort of mathematical thing you did to figure that out??

HAHA!!!

Shannon 3:45 PM, February 09, 2009  

Your a great husband! Maybe for V day, you could schedule her a root canal!!

I think your furry friend in the middle is getting a little toooo friendly.

Jennifer P 3:54 PM, February 09, 2009  

I would give anything for public SBDs. Mine are loud. And you can't pretend it's not you when they're THAT loud.

So I'm loud in front of strangers but hold it in when runnnig with team mates or friends.

Any advice on dealing with the loud ones?

Jennifer P 3:54 PM, February 09, 2009  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carly 5:08 PM, February 09, 2009  

I swear I am a 12 year old boy at heart...I am LOL at the fart story. I hope your stomach feels better.

Jennifer Harrison 6:17 PM, February 09, 2009  

Hilarious, Steve! I swear, this is all too familiar with most of us but we are too chicken to blog about it. I love it that you did! Thanks for the laugh! I would say something nice about your cats, but I am not an animal person. :)

Anonymous,  6:33 PM, February 09, 2009  

You're the ALEXANDER THE GREAT of physical fitness! You'll weep, when you've no new parts to blog about.

You've done gross feet, frozen man bits, and smelly butt. What remains, for the ALAPALOOZA of the BLOG?

Ah, the PITS!!! It's like the whole Persian Empire, just waiting for your sword....

teacherwoman 6:56 PM, February 09, 2009  

LOL.

Are you guys getting freezing rain in the citie, too? It sucks here!

Kevin 7:18 PM, February 09, 2009  

I always feel bad for those around me on the dreadmill or in spin classes because all that bouncing makes me super gassy

Borsch 8:47 PM, February 09, 2009  

I hope sarah is ok with that pussy in your lap.

joyRuN 8:54 PM, February 09, 2009  

Dear heavens, that was hysterical!

Poor poor Pharmie.

CoachLiz 11:06 PM, February 09, 2009  

As you were reabsorbing those gas emissions did you ever get the chills? That happened to me on Sunday on my run when I thought I was going to have a colon blow at mile 2.7 and mile 6.9. I had to call it quits after that and run home to find a bathroom. And then I did not have to go. What's up with that???

Collin Kromke 12:14 AM, February 10, 2009  

That picture reminds me of an urban legend where Zha Zha Gabor had a cat on her lap and asked Johnny Carson "Would you like to pet my pussy?" and Johnny replied, "I'd love to, but you'll have to remove that damn cat!"

Ryan 5:42 AM, February 10, 2009  

I love how your shoulder hair glistens when you are anaerobic!

Grrrr Big Boy!!

Carolina John 8:37 AM, February 10, 2009  

i too gas up the treadmill a lot. i pick one (our gym has over 30) where nobody else is nearby, and then others flock to where i am. then i make them leave.

i've also decided i don't like the other people in my gym too much, so i'm ok with making them leave. and after driving around atlanta yesterday, i decided it's only the people at my gym that i don't like. it's pretty much everyone who isn't smart enough to read my blog.

Anonymous,  12:03 PM, February 10, 2009  

Maybe it's just February, but I think this blog needs a facelift. Maybe mine could use one too, not to mention my own face, but that's another matter, and don't pass the buck.

Here and now, we're talking THIS blog. It's DRAB!

How about some LIGHTS, COLOUR, ACTION, at STEVE'S GRINDHOUSE....

- Videos. STEVE-IN-A-SPEEDO, GROSS: THE MOVIE!

- A SOUNDTRACK. Some public domain ripped off an old 78 RPM shellac. I propose "Toot toot tootsie (don't cry....)." Any other suggestions?

- A user-friendlier GUI. An old-fashioned medical chart of the VIRTUAL STEVE, for easy navigation. Just click on a part and the relevant blogs come up.

I'm sure other bloggers would offer their own suggestions for STEVE-O-RAMA....

It could be the greatest innovation since APPLE stole that MOUSE from XEROX (which strangely reminds me of that other RODENT, the less said about whose MYSTERIOUS DEMISE, some would say MURDER, the better....)

Well, let's get at it! STEVE-O-RAMA!

(And while we're waiting, how about a GFP (YOU KNOW!), just to keep us innerested?)

Marcy 12:52 PM, February 10, 2009  

Dude you are so nasty! HAHAHAAA I love it! But I totally feel for the Mrs.

As for the cats . . .they like the smell of butt?!?

Alisa 2:24 PM, February 10, 2009  

You're "that" guy at the gym. The treadmill farter!

I guess...if you gotta, you gotta!

b 2:48 PM, February 10, 2009  

Silent but deadly variety I see (not smell)!!!

lindsay 6:53 PM, February 10, 2009  

haha. i'm not sure which part i want to comment on, if any! i'm just glad it was you and not me.

Dori 12:51 AM, February 12, 2009  

Ohhh, you're that guy! This post was so funny I just had to say thanks for the laff. :-)

Anonymous,  12:11 PM, February 12, 2009  

How come a bag of beans has exactly 239 beans? Think, think, think, Because if it had one more bean it would be 2farty.

The two of you should get a tandem and she should be stoker.

RooBabs 2:17 PM, February 12, 2009  

Poor Pharmie, she must really love you. Cute kitties!

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