Friday Funny 191: Blow-Drying Your Boy-Parts

>> Friday, June 10, 2011

WARNING: This "Friday Funny" is a little saucy. If you're easily offended, you might want to skip over this one. But if you giggle at fart jokes, this is the kind of post for you. But don't say I didn't warn you.

A friend sent me this link last week and just said "For some reason, I thought of you when I read this." Enjoy:

- - - -

AN OPEN LETTER
TO THE GENTLEMAN
BLOW-DRYING HIS BALLS
IN THE GYM LOCKER ROOM.

May 27, 2011

- - - -

Dear gentleman blow-drying his balls in the gym locker room,

You're actually doing it. I mean, we've all dreamt of blow-drying our balls out in the open, but you're actually doing it in front of me and at least sixteen other people that just finished exercising at this pricey sports club. Some of us will do it in private in our homes, or in a hotel room using a hairdryer a stranger might have just used to style their hair for that big business meeting in Denver. But not you. You are not confined to such social norms, norms that usually keep flapping, flag-like balls out of my eyes.

Does the courage to do this in public come with age? Perhaps it's something a young man like me can't understand. But you, you are on in years; gray and spotted like a ham in a paintball fight. Your scrotum reminds me of boardwalk taffy. Maybe you've been building up to this day your whole life and I'm witnessing the birth of a phoenix. You are no longer a man that blow-dries his balls in secret. You have transcended that station and now fall into an elite group of Spartans that blow-dry their balls wherever they God damn please. If caterpillars emerged from their cocoons as butterflies with heavy, sagging testicles I'd imagine they'd feel the same as you might right now.

Maybe you're making up for the fact that you no longer have any hair on your head that requires blow-drying. Is grabbing a hairdryer a rote, preening response from your earlier years when you and your majestic mane would say things like, "bees knees" to fresh-faced nurses at the pool hall while discussing the Teapot Dome scandal? Did they have hairdryers back then? I think my ability to correctly recall history is being affected by the sight of your twin sperm fountains.

I especially appreciate the way you've got one leg up on the counter. Not only does this allow the hot jet stream of air a more direct passage to your gene-carrying duffle bag, it also gives me an intrusive view to the white fields of pubis covering your taint and beyond. It almost makes me think of Santa Claus, but I was not sexually abused by Kris Kringle as a child. Speaking of Christmas, were the Adidas soccer sandals you use as shower shoes a gift from a grandchild?

Your actions disturb and inspire, and I can't look away. I'm either swelling with physical repulsion or the joy a parent feels watching their child take their first steps. Only in this case the child is an 84-year-old man with a hairdryer aimed at his balls. Whatever the case, you're an exemplar of bravery. So, please, shine on you withering diamond.

Thanks!
Ross Beeley

- - - -


Brilliant.

If you liked that, check out some more good ones:

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GUY AT MY GYM WHO SCREAMS WHEN HE LIFTS WEIGHTS.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GUY WHO SCHEDULED MY ACCIDENTAL BRAZILIAN.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY MALE GYNECOLOGIST.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY CATS, WHO ARE JEALOUS OF MY NEW BABY DAUGHTER AND ARE ACTING OUT NOW THAT SHE RECEIVES ALL THE ATTENTION.


12 comments:

Mark H. 6:52 AM, June 10, 2011  

I witnessed the blow-drying down below just this morning at my club. The old guy was wrapped with a towel, for modesty, I suppose. Or maybe the towel acted like a wind tunnel to focus and accelerate the drying action. :-)

Pattie Ekman 7:36 AM, June 10, 2011  

So glad that the girls' locker room is a little more modest. And, BTW, thanks for the McSweeny's link. Like I need another way to waste time at work. :)

Richard 7:45 AM, June 10, 2011  

For anyone who's done a lot of swimming at Y's across the country, this is spot on . . . even the emotions that one feels when seeing such an act. Bravo!

cdnhollywood 7:57 AM, June 10, 2011  

There goes $2k of therapy. Better book another session.

ann 10:17 AM, June 10, 2011  

i.am.dying. this is the best open letter i've read in a LONG time

CautiouslyAudacious 1:52 PM, June 10, 2011  

oh my goodness, I had a guy once tell me he witnessed this but I totally didn't believe it!!! Too much!

Mario 2:24 PM, June 10, 2011  

This really happens. How about the guys' who's junk is even with the counter so when the shave (their face) and lean in close to the mirror, they just lay it out on the counter. Classy.

Ruth 7:50 PM, June 10, 2011  

hahahahahahahaha...lmao...hahahahaha!

Carolina John 10:16 PM, June 10, 2011  

I like it. I like it a lot!

Austin 11:14 AM, June 13, 2011  

hilarious. what's with these naked old dudes at the gym?

http://enjoytheridetri.blogspot.com/2011/01/towelstrong.html

love the open letter to the male obgyn too.

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