Friday Funny 52: Gross Confession

>> Friday, September 04, 2009

Me: “Umm... Hi everybody. My name is Steve...”

Everybody: (in unison) “Hi Steve.”

Me: “...and I have a swass problem.”

Everybody: (applauding with approving smiles because I just opened up)

It appears after long, warm runs. It doesn’t smell like SWEAT. And it doesn’t smell like ASS. It’s some odd combination of sweaty/ass (AKA: “swass”). If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you think I’m crazy and gross. If you KNOW what I’m talking about, then you’re nodding in approval right now with a small grin on your face.

It’s as if SWEAT and ASS mated and had a baby. That baby filled its diaper, ate the dirty diaper, and then vomited all over my crotch. Yep, that’s about right.

Here’s the proof: Tuesday I did 4 x 1600 on the track with Julia (see 3 posts down). I got home, threw my running shorts in the hamper, showered, and had to head to class. When I got home from class, I noticed my running shorts had migrated to the guest room window:

Apparently, Pharmie thought they were swassing-up the bedroom, and they needed to be aired out in the open window. I’m sorry for my stench.

Happy Friday!! Last oly tri of the season for Pharmie and I on Sunday!


SM 8:36 AM, September 04, 2009  

good luck on your last tri of the season!

Lindsay 9:17 AM, September 04, 2009  

umm. i'd like to know what she used to transport them from the hamper to the window? very brave pharmie!!

good luck in your last tri and have a great weekend!

Kim 9:22 AM, September 04, 2009  

i hope pharmie used rubber gloves and a long stick to transport swampass shorts to the window area! i really hope you wash your shorts out after every use. and you just wear the shorts with the liners right? no underpants i hope?!

good luck this weekend to you and pharmie!!!

Amy 9:46 AM, September 04, 2009  

Ummm... hopefully you aren't entertaining any guests this weekend.

Good luck this weekend!

X-Country2 9:48 AM, September 04, 2009  

MICROWAVE!!! I have an entire post about successfully un-stinking my stuff.

Unknown 9:53 AM, September 04, 2009  

Mike calls that smell "the Butt Smell" officially. I know exactly what you are talking about, but I wish I didn't!

Julia 9:59 AM, September 04, 2009  

lol. now I finally have a name for that smell! haha!

KayVee 10:09 AM, September 04, 2009  

Ugh. I can totally relate. I stunk up the house last Sunday when I had a 3-hour trainer ride. Then, we had burritos for dinner. Took the dog for a walk, walked in the house, and the house smelled like a sweaty burrito. Got the Febreeze out.

Carolina John 10:30 AM, September 04, 2009  

Good luck sunday guys! knock it out.

hahahahahaha, married people don't eat meat! and i too, occaisionally, have the swass problem too. normally mine is more of a volume of sweat problem, but i've actually had other clothes grow mold because they sat under my tech shirt overnight in the hamper. now that's nasty!

Regina 10:32 AM, September 04, 2009  

I'm not sure I am getting the same eau de toilet (and I don't mean that in the nice French way), but a funky smell all the same.

Must check out x-coutry2's microwave post. Perhaps you should too; it might save your marriage.

sRod 11:04 AM, September 04, 2009  

Swass? That's brilliant!

The only thing worse than swass is bagged-up swass. You know: when you're on a weekend trip, go for a long run, bag the wet clothes, and then don't open the bag until you get home (or worse, until you do laundry). That stuff is rancid and is probably growing life--but at least it is contained. Much less pervasive.

The Boring Runner 11:49 AM, September 04, 2009  

Since I travel so much, i've had to get pretty resourceful combating my swass. Nothing like a hair dryer to dry out the funk.

Trishie 12:29 PM, September 04, 2009  

Not so much 'swass' but my hsuband wasn't thrilled when I used our bedroom fan to air out my sweaty and wet running shoes ... yup, made the whole bedroom smell delightful !

Jamie 12:34 PM, September 04, 2009  

Hi. My name is Jamie, and I have a swass problem too....

Thankfully it doesn't have any distinct "ass smell." It just smells like normal sweat funk.

The rest of me can be dry as the desert, but my ass. Swamp.

Ms. Caddywumpus 1:29 PM, September 04, 2009  

I knew your blog was worth reading, but then I see Freakazoid make an appearance.

You just totally moved up a level of cool, Swass and all.

B.o.B. 3:30 PM, September 04, 2009  

ew. swass. poor pharmie. good luck with that stinky stink pants.

i love freakazoid! haven't thought about that cartoon in a while. excellent choice for today!

Anonymous,  4:18 PM, September 04, 2009  

ewwwwwwwwwwwww. :)

Julie @ ROJ Running 4:24 PM, September 04, 2009  

really gross confession: I LIKE the way I smell after a run. It's like I set off magical scents and pheromones of happiness. No one else likes the way I smell I guess majority rules and it's clean clothes + shower time after running.

triblog carol 5:30 PM, September 04, 2009  

that smell is from not washing your clothes right away. It's some kind of mildew that grows in tech fabrics when you let them sit wet in your duffle bag or laundry basket for a couple few days. It seems to wash out, but as soon as the fabric gets damp (aka, when you sweat), the stench is released. My clothes have it too, unfornutately, as I went away for a long weekend leaving all my week's worth of workout stuff in the laundry basket. Now all my favorite gear has that stench. I wish I knew how to get rid of it, cuz I hate smelling like SWASS!

Keith 7:36 PM, September 04, 2009  

I was afraid to open the comments. I really was. Then I manned up, and faced my fear. IM will be a piece of cake now.

Anonymous,  11:59 AM, September 05, 2009  

Come on FUNKY BUTT, the main reason for professing is THE SEX.

The payola isn't bad, either. You're FAST, in every WORST WAY.

Finally, a note for AMY who confessed her devotion a blog ago. If you read this regularly, you're just as DEPRAVED as everyone else. Sick, I mean.

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