Grandma’s Marathon: Did Not Finish
>> Saturday, June 21, 2008
Started on pace.
Started feeling “funny.”
Barfed.
Nearly fell in Lake Superior.
Started going blind.
Saw the inside of my first Medical Tent.
Grandma’s Marathon 2008: my first DNF.
0 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
I set this post (like many in the countdown over the past 12 days) to automatically post just after midnight. Right now, I hope to be deep asleep (probably in a hot dorm room) for a few more hours. Please send good thoughts my way and to all the runners today.
There are 2 things I need to remember today: 1: I need to remember to go out nice, calm, and slow. 2: Then I need to remember that I won’t die. It’s gonna hurt. My knee’s going to get a little sore (I’m predicting a 3 or 4 on a 1-10 pain scale). My heel won’t hold up through the entire race, and will hit a 6 or 7 on the pain scale. My feet will get sore, it will be hard to breath, and my muscles will get tired.
But I will not die. I need to push through it. It will hurt. I will survive. I really want to run this race so there is not one ounce of strength in me when I hit the finish line. I need to push hard to hit my goal, but I will not die.
Well, should I ACTUALLY die, I better leave you with something profound. Here it goes:
Never hold in your farts. They will travel up your spine into your brain, and that’s where shitty ideas come from.
p.s. I don’t know how often this will be updated, but here’s the link to the race results that they say will be updated on race day: http://www.onlineraceresults.com/race/view_race.php?race_id=8120. Search for Steve Stenzel and Sarah Linder-Stenzel. Thanks!
1 Day Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Friday, June 20, 2008
One: I’ve found the one song that will be “my song” for the marathon. Last year while training for Ironman, the song was Kanye West’s “Stronger.” I was literally singing that song to myself while on the 112 mile ride. It was a song that fit well for the day, and it still gets my blood flowing each time I hear it.
This year, I’ve found a new song. You may have heard it on the Nike commercial for Sparq Training that was out about a year ago. It’s the commercial that starts with the great line “My better is better than your better.” Here’s the 60 second ad (TURN IT UP!):
(and there’s a sweet appearance by Adrian Peterson of the
MN Vikes - he’s the one running next to the race car)
Tell me that the commercial didn’t do a little something for you. The song is called “List of Demands” by Saul Williams. He’s a poet, and sometimes he puts his poems to music. List of Demands is a song about taking credit for your actions. It’s a bit of a critique of how everyone feels entitled to something. Here are the first few lines of the song:
I want my money back.
I'm down here drowning in your fat.
You got me on my knees praying for everything you lack.
I ain't afraid of you.
I'm just a victim of your fears.
You cower in your tower praying that I'll disappear,
I got another plan, one that requires me to stand.
On the stage or in the street, don't need no microphone or beat.
(Here’s a link to the music video on YouTube.)
I think that’s a pretty good anthem for running a marathon. However I finish is what I deserve, whether it be 3:10 or 4:10. I’m the only one who has control over it, and I can’t place blame anywhere else.
One: There are MANY things that I do NOT want to happen during the marathon (horrible cramping, anal leakage, sudden death), but the one thing that I really hope doesn’t happen is this:
2 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Thursday, June 19, 2008
I don’t have much for two. But I do have something to say to the skinny old guy at the Y who was in the locker room next to me yesterday.
Dear skinny old guy at the Y:
It’s fine if you want to sit naked on the bench in the locker room as I’m changing next to you. It’s maybe a little weird that you just sit there, stark naked, just staring into your locker, but it’s really not a big deal. But when you reach into your locker, pull out a banana, slowly peel it, and eat it right there next to me while you are still stark-ass naked, that IS a little creepy. Is that the new “foot under the bathroom stall door” signal for guys who want to get it on with other guys? I’m flattered, but I’m married. And straight. If neither of those were true, I’d probably go for someone one-quarter your age. And someone less willing to have his bare testes on a random bench for that length of time. I mean, you probably have plantars warts or athletes foot on your boy-parts now.
It’s better you hear this now than for me to drag this out for a while.
Oh, here’s a little something for two: I live with (and will be running Grandma’s with) two Linder sisters. Just so everyone knows, they’re not gassy at all and their farts don’t stink. (Score some brownie points for Steve!)
And good luck to all the racers that I know in the two big races this weekend: Grandma's Marathon on Satuday and Ironman Coeur d'Alene on Sunday. Good luck racers!! Be safe! Be strong!
3 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Three possible outfits for Grandma’s this weekend. If you are watching the race, look for me in one of these 3 tops:
1. Tight blue top and grey shorts:
Hey, let’s see that last image again. Allow me to highlight the three main areas that I’ll be lubing up real well this weekend:
2. My feet: I’ve lubed up those puppies on all of my 10+ mile runs for the past 2-3 months, and it helps A LOT. It keeps those small blister and hot-spots at bay.
3. My danger-zone: (AKA my man-region, my bishop, my Pink Floyd, my beef-bus, my coin slot, etc, etc.) I don’t want anything there to chafe off. I plan to use about half the stick of Body Glide down there. I’ll just smear it all in. Mostly in the butt-cheek territory.
Also, I’ve got my marathon plan nearly set in stone. I have specific, individual splits every mile. They start slow and build a little. When I first typed it up, I was going just by what I figured I could do. When I got done, it all added up to 3:04:25. And that’s under my biggest goal of breaking 3:10. (For how much I’ve talked about my projected finishing time, can you tell that I don’t believe in “jinxing” myself?) I plan to print out those splits, tape them to a wristband, and wear that one yellow wristband covered in splits during the race. I’ll be able to see where I’m at with respect to where I think I should be at every mile. (Oh, so if you’re a spectator at Grandma’s, you could probably find me pretty easily by looking for the one yellow wristband that has 27 times printed out and taped to it. Oh, and I will be wearing my contacts, not my glasses.)
Here’s the kicker: IF I’m having a great day, I MIGHT be able to take an extra 10 seconds off each mile (and the last 0.2). That would make my finishing time a remarkable 2:59:55. In case you’re dense, that’s sub 3:00. If only... Read more...
4 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Four: In the past year, I won my first event. Then I managed to win a few more. I’ve won four events in the past year. Here are the highlights:
Tesfa 5K, Nov 2007
5K run in 19:11
Reason for winning: Small field of runners (maybe 60)
35 flight stair climb (900 stairs) in 4:11
Reason for winning: Naive - raced hard and nearly puked
5K run in 17:26
Reason for winning: Finally getting a little speedy
5K run (while ingesting 15 doughnuts) in 28:46
Reason for winning: Iron stomach + speedy legs = perfect event for me
Race day, I know I’m going to have a hard time keeping calm just after starting. I need to REALLY try to tone it down for the first few miles. And then I’ll need to see what I can do at mile 20. If anyone out there has any marathon advice for me, I’d love to hear it.
Four is also the perfect number of boobs. It just is. Don't fight me on this. Read more...
5 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Monday, June 16, 2008
Five hours was my time in my “first marathon” at the end of Ironman WI last year (well, 4:58 to be exact). That Ironman went as planned until I hit the run. I swam and I biked exactly what I thought I could. When I was taking off my bike shoes in T2 and putting on my running shoes, the feeling was returning to my feet and I was realizing that they were pretty beat up. My feet were the sorest part of me. I took off on the run and was running around 8-9 minute miles. I maintained that pace, but I had to stop and walk every few miles because my feet were so sore. That dropped my pace to over 11 minutes / mile, and I was just barely able to break 5 hours on the run.
People have commented that Grandma’s isn’t my first marathon because I’ve done an Ironman. Well, I really don’t want to count my marathon during my Ironman as a marathon. That was just my run during Ironman. Grandma’s is my first official stand-alone marathon.
This past weekend, Pharmie and I went camping with her side of the family. I got to talking with her uncle John, and I have my marathon strategy all figured out. I’m going to try to ease into the run and go out slow - that’s the way I run most of my training runs, so I’m used to running like that. I’ll try to keep the first 2 miles around 7:15ish. By mile 5, I want to be running 7 minute miles. I’ll hold that pace, which I’ve been able to do during my longer runs. Then, around mile 14-16, I’ll re-evaluate. At that point, I hope to pick up the pace ever so slightly. Here’s how the race could end:
- Horrible day: I could totally bonk, and finishing well over 3:10.
- Decent day: I could start falling apart, but still hold on to run sub 3:10.
- Good day: I could maintain that pace, and end up around 3:03.
- Great day: I could start picking it up a bit, and finish sub 3:00.
I’m used to pushing myself a little around 60% of the way through a run, and I know that’s a lot to ask during a marathon. I’ll have to give it a shot.
John and I talked this over as we were looking at my training log. He’s a runner, and he’s ran Grandma’s before. He agreed that this plan looked pretty good for the way that I run. He didn’t think it made sense at first, but then, when he was looking through my splits during my long runs, it all started to come together and make sense for my running style.
But this is still all theory. How am I going to find extra gas in the tank at mile 20? We’ll put this to the test in 5 days. Five days. Whoa.
In other news, here are five photos from the camping trip this past weekend:
Young-ens on my shoulder
The girls at an Amish garden
Hangin’ at the pond, looking for frogs
Walking through the freezing creek
Me taking down the light at the campsite
when we were all packing up
6 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Sunday, June 15, 2008
Six: We all missed it, but the sixth of June was National Doughnut Day. Next year, I’ll throw a huge party to make up for missing it this year.
Six: And I think this six photo narrative is just adorably weird (especially the little guys tongue):
7 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Saturday, June 14, 2008
Seven: In first grade, during a spelling test, I used a trick to spell seven. I realized that it was just like “Steven” but without the “v.” Looking back, I think I just figured out why I got that one wrong...
Seven: Here are seven shocking/funny/random photos from my blog from the past year. Enjoy.
My “before and after” photo of going
hairless for Ironman WI 2007
Getting home after a bloody nose 4 miles from home
Cheering at the TC marathon (I’m the cock)
Getting body marked for IM WI
(This is the most serious photo even taken of me!)
Popped blood blister after my half-marathon in January
Ice covered after a 6 below 12-mile run
Red marks from my cat licking the sweat off me
8 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Friday, June 13, 2008
Eight words that sum up my running mood this past year:
Who wears short shorts?
I wear short shorts!
I was informed 2 days ago that I had made it onto the Runner’s World forums. Someone started a category titled “Short-shorts Runners.” (Here’s a link to the forum.) Their first post was this:
My.
God.
That was Borsch and I at the Joe Plant 5K!! And OF COURSE they look funky on me, because that was the point! You all know that I’m always out to get people to smile and to have a great time - I’m not trying to start a clothing trend.
Well, as I scrolled down, some WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING that I only know as “texasbman” had replied to that first image of me. Here’s his addition to the forum:
I have no idea who “texasbman” is, but thank you for setting the record straight regarding my hideous short shorts! And in case anyone is wondering: No, the short shorts will not be making an appearance at Grandma’s Marathon. They are great for 5Ks, duathlons done as a team with Matt, and 1980s parties...
9 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Thursday, June 12, 2008
Nine very good reasons why bike shorts are black (click the links):
Reasons 1-5
Reasons 6-9
Some of those “reasons” are pretty impressive! In that last photo, they seem to be arguing about what time it is: 3 of them think it's 11:00, while 1 of them thinks it's about 1:30. Interesting...
In an actual workout update, I’ve seen Dr. Folske for 2 more ART sessions on my heel. He’s been doing his thing to me, and it’s helping. He had me go for a quick 4 miler the other day, and it went well for how fast I was going (4 miles in 23:46 - that’s 5:57/mile, yo!). My speed is still there, but will I do OK with long runs that were cut short due to my achilles? Tune-in 9 days from now to find out...
10 Days Until Grandma's Marathon!
>> Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Ten days! I’m starting to think about the marathon nearly ever waking moment.
Ten pounds: The amount of weight I lost IN SIX DAYS in the summer of 2004. Here I am before losing the weight:
What’s my weight-loss secret? Popcorn and Kool-Aid. Seriously. In the summer of 04, I was chosen as a contestant for the “Channel 45 Ultimate Extreme Challenge” where the winner received a new SUV. Twelve strangers were locked into a 12x12 plexiglass box (with no roof) at the Minnesota State Fair for up to 10 days. We competed in 4-5 challenges each day that were a mix between gross and extreme. Then, at the end of each day, we voted one person out (if you won a challenge, you might be immune to getting voted out). It was much like “Survivor” meets “Fear Factor.”
The only thing we were fed was microwave popcorn and Kool-Aid. My normal 4-5 poops per day dropped 10 fold quickly (really - I only pooped once every-other day). We were not allowed to bring in any personal hygiene items: no chapstick, deodorant, toothbrush, Q-tips, sunscreen, etc.
I was voted out on the morning of 6th day in the first “big twist” of the competition. The twist was that the individual winner of the first challenge that day was able to vote one person out of their choosing, and Anthony (the winner) picked me. Damn it Anthony. My prize? Fuzzy teeth, stinky pits, and wax-encrusted ears.
Not to toot my own horn, but tomorrows post is going to be pretty good. Top drawer. Male genitalia might be involved. Just maybe. Only if you eat all your vegetables and clean your plate. Read more...
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