Little-Known Marathon Dangers

>> Thursday, November 14, 2013

Runner's World recently posted an article about 7 "surprising" dangers of running a marathon.

1. Ice Cream Headache

Researchers at UC San Diego made a startling discovery when they surveyed finishers of the 2011 San Diego Rock 'n' Roll Marathon: Their subjects were twice as susceptible to "brain freeze," a.k.a. ice cream headache. Doctors are at a loss to explain it, but in the meantime they urge marathoners to avoid ice cream cones and milkshakes. The risks just aren't worth it.

2. Rake Accidents

Among healthy adults who report having stepped on a rake carelessly left lying on their lawn, resulting in a comical but painful smack in the face, a full 30% ran a marathon in the 8 weeks prior to their accident.

3. Paralyzing Sense of Existential Dread

Multiple studies have found a link between finishing a marathon and experiencing a sudden, overwhelming fear that life is nothing but a brief and meaningless march from birth to death and that, in the end, we are alone in a cold and absurd universe. The onset often occurs while uploading data to an online training log.

4. "Oh, Come On!" Moments

In a little-noticed 2009 study, researchers at the University of Florida found that marathon runners saw a spike in "Oh, Come On!" moments in the weeks before and after race day. Such moments included: locking their keys in the car, waiting 15 minutes for their bagel to toast before realizing that the toaster was unplugged, realizing that they totally forgot to put the trash out on trash night, and locking their keys in the car again.

5. Spider Eggs in Ears

A small study of lifelong runners in Germany recently found that those who ran marathons were 15% more likely than a control group to have a spider crawl into their ears as they slept, lay eggs, then have the eggs hatch weeks later and feel baby spiders skittter out of their ears.

6. Spontaneous Human Combustion

The International Marathon Medical Directors Association estimates that 1 in 250,000 marathon runners bursts into flames mid-race. Just... Poof. White-hot agony, then nothing.

7. Urge to Sign Up for Another Marathon

This is the most common risk of running a marathon, and also the most horrifying. For obvious reasons.

I've always thought a marathon was too far for me. Now with the knowledge of an increased chance of a rake to the balls, I'm done. No thanks.

And DUH you have a better chance of having spider eggs in your ears because you're TRAINING for a marathon! You'll be training so hard that you'll be sleeping like a baby, and a damn platypus could could walk across your face and lay her eggs in your ear and you'd sleep right through it!

Seems legit to me.

Marathons. Just say no.


Steve Stenzel 7:24 AM, November 14, 2013  

p.s. This is all a joke (well except for the part where I say marathons are too far for me). I wanted to point that out in case you're dense.

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