How To Get Over The Olympics

>> Monday, August 25, 2008

That’s it? They just stop?!? We’re all addicted! There was no weaning period! Last night, do you know what I saw at 10 pm on NBC? I saw the local news!! What the hell?!? Where are the swimmers? The volleyball players? The gymnasts? The heartwarming stories of overcoming a TV friendly life-obstacle?

Here are 10 ways to hold on to the glory of the Olympic games for a few more weeks:

(If you have any ideas to add, please leave a comment, and I will update this post with my favorite ideas [and I’ll link to your blog]).

1. Hearing their names: Every hour, say the names “Phelps, Nastia, and May-Treanor” to yourself. You can’t just stop hearing their names. It’s not like weed or internet porn which you can stop at anytime.

2. Age controversy: Hire a 12 year old girl to mow your lawn. Spend way too much energy (unsuccessfully) trying to convince your neighbors that she’s 16.

3. Baby-faced Costas: Place a life-sized cutout of Bob Costas behind your kitchen counter. This way, every time you walk to the kitchen, it will look like he’s reporting on the day’s events.

4. For the sake of the country: Ship your 4-year old off to a government run training camp for gymnastics. You might miss them for a week, but HTFU. At least it will take your mind off the fact that the Olympics are over. Don’t worry, you’ll see them again at the 2020 Olympics. They better do better than Silver, damn it.

5. Who’s better looking? Who’s the better singer? Next time you go to a birthday party, hire a singer (who’s less attractive than you) to stand behind you to sing “Happy Birthday” as you lip-sync.

6. Glue a feral cat to your body. This one has nothing to do with the Olympics, but I bet it’d take your mind off the fact that they are over.

7. Ceremonial: Erect a huge tent in your yard, and hire 1000 men to dance around in footy pajamas that light up. Do this while you neighbors down the street go hungry. (Sorry, just a little bitterness here.)

8. Happy thoughts: Every time you get an erection while you’re thinking about that amazing 100 meters that Jason Lezak swam in 46 seconds to anchor the 4x100, punch yourself in the junk. Have I taken this one too far? I really don’t think so.

9. Shopping at Home Depot: According to their commercials, it looks like Home Depot employs every US Olympic athlete. So, the next time you need a box of finishing nails, go in to Home Depot and DEMAND to be helped by an Olympic medalist. If they claim that they don’t have any Olympians working there, storm out and go to Menards.

10. Training like the athletes: In the name of training like Michael Phelps, start consuming 8,000 to 10,000 calories per day. But don’t do any of that swimming stuff that Phelps does - that looks like a lot of work.

Man, I hope this works. I gotta get over these games. I’ve got to go purchase #3. And I look forward to #10. Do you have any ways that you’re hanging on to the Olympics? Let me know your thoughts, and I’ll update this post with my favorite submissions.

Reader Updates:

Dave said, "Hold a competition for an event you know no one else will show up for, like handball or rhythmic gymnastics. Invite local media to awards ceremony." I like it! It's like the Doughnut Run 5K race that I won earlier this year. That SHOULD be an Olympic sport: it takes a balance of speed and intestinal fortitude to run a race while eating 15 Krispy Kreme doughnuts!

Danielle in Iowa said, "At my race on Saturday, I made sure to slap hot people on the ass as they passed me - if it is good enough for beach volleyball it's good enough for running!" Great idea!!

Vanilla said, "Low-ride your pants so that you look like Phelps in his Speedo LZR racer suit. This is appropriate in any situation, I'm currently wearing my wool suit around the office in that manner." I really, really hope that's true about your suit!

Greyhound had 2 good ones. First, he suggested, "Doing a training ride with 40 to 50 heavy smokers in front of you to simulate a 'blue sky day'." And then he offered this one, which I think I'm going to do: "Put a Nike Swoosh on all your spouse's bras and panties so you can pretend she is Misty May." Greyhound, you even got the right volleyball player! (I like a solid woman!)

Kaeti mentioned an obvious one that I missed: "Uh, duh — hire Bela Karolyi to yell 'Go Girlfriend!' and follow you around muttering unintelligibly all day."

TriGuyJT told me to "install an outdoor shower on your lawn and set up a camera, then shower just like the divers do....for no apparent reason..."

50 comments:

Eric 9:41 AM, August 25, 2008  

Nice post thanks for the comment yes the race site was awesome except for the hills keep up the good photos

Eric

Dave 10:03 AM, August 25, 2008  

Hold a competition for an event you know no one else will show up for, like handball or rhythmic gymnastics. Invite local media to awards ceremony.

IronGambit 10:14 AM, August 25, 2008  

I didn't even watch them... too much media and marketing. Even though it's my field and I am sure that you saw some of my adds :)

Anonymous,  10:16 AM, August 25, 2008  

I love these...you are hilarious!!

I'm already all over #10. I had some big blueberry pancakes before my run this weekend, and Jeff said...who do you think you are? Michael Phelps??

ShirleyPerly 10:23 AM, August 25, 2008  

Ha! I watched about 6 hours of the Olympics on TV this year. Now that's more TV than I've watched all year but I was pissed that NBC did not cover either the men's or women's triathlon events. How could they not???

GoBigGreen 10:28 AM, August 25, 2008  

dude! Dont insult me!
Flushing Meadow
ArthurAshe Stadium
If you dont have USA cable then you are out of luck.
Starts TODAY!

Alili 10:34 AM, August 25, 2008  

This is a CLASSIC post! Love it. I've been googling modern pentahlon all morning to see if I have a chance at making the Olympics in 2016...2012 is too soon. ;)

Kelly 10:46 AM, August 25, 2008  

Walk around town with a relay baton in hand. At the most inappropriate moments, throw it at random bystanders. Then shrug and comment, "woops... I thought that's what this thing was for."

bigmike600 11:07 AM, August 25, 2008  

I just punched myself in the junk. Is it wrong if I liked it?

Next time you are in the area, you have to come for dinner.

Danielle in Iowa 11:35 AM, August 25, 2008  

At my race on Saturday, I made sure to slap hot people on the ass as they passed me - if it is good enough for beach volleyball it's good enough for running!

Mon 12:07 PM, August 25, 2008  

thats awesome!
i just started to appreciate them like this week. oh well.

Brian 1:02 PM, August 25, 2008  

Great post. so true. Hopefully i can at least watch reruns on their web site. or find best of / worst of across the internet for at least a month.

21stCenturyMom 1:10 PM, August 25, 2008  

Go to YouTube several times a day and watch women's beach volleyball or gymnastics or track. If you live on the west coast this will take the place of all the naps you had to take to overcome watching the "live" Olympic coverage until 2 in the morning.

ps - what's up with the 'punch your junk' business. It's the SuperPoke of the day on Facebook. Since when is junk punching so popular? New Olympic sport??!!

ps- you are hysterical and 10 points to Danielle for her comment.

sRod 1:15 PM, August 25, 2008  

This may be your best post. Ever.

Vanilla 1:17 PM, August 25, 2008  

Low-ride your pants so that you look like Phelps in his Speedo LZR racer suit. This is appropriate in any situation, I'm currently wearing my wool suit around the office in that manner.

Vanilla 1:22 PM, August 25, 2008  

One more. Avoid news websites that might mention the Democratic National Convention all day so that you can watch it in primetime later this evening. Get really pissed off at anyone reporting it live.

Chris Jones 1:56 PM, August 25, 2008  

You don't think #7 a bit self-righteous?

greyhound 2:19 PM, August 25, 2008  
This comment has been removed by the author.
greyhound 2:21 PM, August 25, 2008  

#4 and #7 are hilarious. You could also try:

Doing a training ride with 40 to 50 heavy smokers in front of you to simulate a "blue sky day" or

Put a Nike Swoosh on all your spouse's bras and panties so you can pretend she is Misty May.

Erin Leigh 2:32 PM, August 25, 2008  

You are the best. I needed this so much today.

Meg 3:27 PM, August 25, 2008  

Those are awesome. I'm totally tempted to hunt down Brian Sell in the dept gardening at home depot, probably just a half hour away from me. :)

Jess 4:18 PM, August 25, 2008  

Well, I'm saving my fake fireworks for the 4th. Until then, I guess I'll just be depressed.

RoadBunner 5:01 PM, August 25, 2008  

Hilarious post! I especially like #9.

Leah 5:16 PM, August 25, 2008  

OK, this is maybe your most hilarious post. But how could you leave out trampoline? Hijack the neighbor kid's backyard trampoline, jump really high about a hundred times, and then start flipping until you toss lunch.

CoachLiz 5:46 PM, August 25, 2008  

I'm downloading all that Olympic music by John Williams to my iPod and listening to it on my trainer sessions and my runs and imagining what the TV broadcast would look like... I am forgoing running shorts for running briefs from now on.

Donald 5:59 PM, August 25, 2008  

Shop at Home Depot? Heck, I'm applying for a job there. Maybe I'll be a faster swimmer. They must have good performance-enhancing drug benefits.

Bigun 8:49 PM, August 25, 2008  

I punched myself in the junk and hurt my hand.

Yea...really.

E-Speed 8:15 AM, August 26, 2008  

obviously you have more time on your hands now that the olympics are done ;) Some of these suggestions are a little over the top though ;)

Anne 8:40 AM, August 26, 2008  

Great list for those going through detox.

Here's one: Make everyone at your next race stick around until the very last runner/racewalker is through, when you cheer the loudest like they did at the Bird's Nest. Oh, and entertain the crowds before the frontrunner's arrive with cute kids lip-synching.

Nitmos 9:35 AM, August 26, 2008  

I've been carrying on the US track team's 2008 Olympics all week...I've been failing to live up to expectations. Realistically, this will go on for years.

Kaeti 9:47 AM, August 26, 2008  

Uh, duh — hire Bela Karolyi to yell "Go Girlfriend!" and follow you around muttering unintelligibly all day.

Jeff 10:04 AM, August 26, 2008  

With the Democratic National Convention now on, just close your eyes and imagine Michele Obama as a Jamaican 100 m sprinter and Teddy Kennedy doing the shot put!

Lana 11:23 AM, August 26, 2008  

You are seriously talented, Steve! LOL...I love #3!

triguyjt 1:57 PM, August 26, 2008  

install an outdoor shower on your tree lawn and set up a camera, then shower just like the divers do....for no apparent reason...

in keeping with the underage theme...hire a 12 year old boy and put him in a suit..and have him do costas imitations describing your breakfast..

"greetings from Minnesota where Steve Stenzel has just reached for the Cocoa Puffs".

Viv 3:17 PM, August 26, 2008  

I thought that was Michael Phelps mixing my paint!

Sonia 3:50 PM, August 26, 2008  

hahaha you're hilarious. I'm not sure how to get over my addiction, watching all the old olympics clips on youtube might be a good start.

The Laminator 6:21 PM, August 26, 2008  

Hey Steve, thanks for coming over to my blog...didn't know you had your own list as well.

So I think your #10 rivals my #10...they both involve looking like Michael Phelps without actually being Michael Phelps. Haha!

Great post!

Maggs 6:40 PM, August 26, 2008  

According to this article...Have sex

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/olympics/article4582421.ece

Rural Girl 8:37 PM, August 26, 2008  

I miss the Olympics even though I could never stay awake past 9:30 to watch them. Does Bob Costa ever age?

Rainmaker 11:52 PM, August 26, 2008  

Ha! Totally awesome list!

amybee 12:51 AM, August 27, 2008  

Steve -- thank you for being so hillarious....

Wedgie 12:53 AM, August 27, 2008  

Screw the Olympics. There. I said it. I got so sick of NBC's confusing coverage, trying to find out when and where I could watch them. NBC? MSNBC? And "Live" doesn't mean "live". Plus the online viewing killed me. I missed the Triathlon even though I recorded exactly what the site told me to do. But then when I went to watch the even online, I had to click on a link that said "Watch the full broadcast coverage of the men's triathlon, won by ************." They ruined everything.

Trishie 10:26 AM, August 27, 2008  

This TOTALLY made my morning, Steve! (also I dreamt last night that I was at swim practice with Lochte ... oly overload)

TriSupporter 2:43 PM, August 27, 2008  

Just saw this on YouTube...could help you get over the Olympics fast.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO_BnsrWMnI

Judi 5:38 PM, August 27, 2008  

Loved this - esp the bit about the 12 year old really being 16. I hope they get the proof for real.

Hope your HIM training is going good. I just finished my first HIM and it was HARD! I wrote up a RR on my blog of course....

Judi

jkrunning 7:50 PM, August 27, 2008  

I love this...too funny.

Kin 11:11 PM, August 28, 2008  

When you finish your training bike ride or run, grab a flag and take one more victory lap around the block and wave at your neighbors.

KHS 12:13 PM, September 09, 2008  

Hello, I came across your blog recently and I am really enjoying it :-)
How I have integrated the olympics into my life: When I cross the street with my fiancé I start doing a commentary like the crosswalk is the track and the finish line is the other side of the street. My voice starts to get really intense and in a higher pitch and I say things like "she is going to pass him, it might be a close call, you can see how she is just a few steps ahead of him, can she do it, I think she is going to do it, and YES, she has done it! She has gotten first place!"
I have actually done this a few times and people walking by get a total kick out of it. My fiancé just hangs his head to hide.
I have a blog too, its sort of the adventures of someone trying to raise money for a good cause, doing a triathlon and trying not to fall over from an asthma attack.
http://gokristen.wordpress.com

Sarah 8:03 AM, September 25, 2008  

Place a life-sized cutout of Bob Costas behind your kitchen counter. This way, every time you walk to the kitchen, it will look like he’s reporting on the day’s events.

I should have stolen this life-size cardboard facsimile of Matt Kenseth when I was at NASCAR last month, because the season ends in about 6 weeks AND THEN WHATEVER SHALL I DO?

If I had found a Jimmie Johnson cut-out I REALLY would have stolen it. Or maybe flashed some boob if that's what it would have taken.

BTW, I really like your blog.

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