Glitter in my Urethra

>> Monday, October 19, 2009

I didn’t know what, exactly, to title this post, so I stayed with something simple and direct. I had a small list of other creative titles, but nothing said it better than those 4 words.

It happened on a tempo run yesterday. I ran a hard 5.0 miles in 30:06 (6:01/mile). But you don’t care about that. You want to hear about my pain. Jerk.

I stretched on the floor of our bedroom before running. Pharmie had just wrapped a present for our friends’ wedding (Maddy and Luke) a few days before in that same spot. The wrapping paper was COVERED in glitter. Yeah. You know where this is going.

I had my running shorts and running shoes already on, but I realized I probably should put on a pair of compression shorts to keep my fleshy Winnebago warm for my chilly morning run. I kept my running shoes on as I pulled my running shorts down, fed my shoes through the compression shorts, and then put my running shorts back on. Looking back, I bet there was glitter ALL OVER the bottom of my shoe as I forced it through the compression shorts.

I started running. I was under 0.5 miles into the run when I felt something weird: a gentle “burning” at the tip of my foo-foo. Not something I’m used to. Not something I want to get used to. I knew what it was. Damn glitter.

It slowly got worse, but not so bad that I needed to turn around early. When I hit my turn-around at mile 2.5, I was on a super quiet side road and there were tall bushes around me. So I whipped it out. It was a little red and inflamed around it’s “eye,” but it wasn’t about to fall off. I figured I’d live. So I forced out a little pee (and got it on my hand and leg) to try to get any damn glitter out of my pee tube.

Umm, wow.... It’s not often you hear “to try to get any damn glitter out of my pee tube.” But I guess I say a lot of things that you might not often hear. ;)

So I turned around (slightly covered in pee), and finished my last 2.5 miles. My bushwacker didn’t get any worse, but it didn’t really feel any better. It was just burning the whole time. But not bad.

I finished the run, ran into the house past Pharmie, and got up to the bathroom to pee out any remaining glitter. I picked at my cream-filled meat stick a little more, but it was just time to let it heal up on it’s own.

A half hour later, all was right in the world.

10/18/09: the day I had a horrible run because of some glitter in my designated hitter.

39 comments:

Jamie 6:17 AM, October 19, 2009  

I'm very excited that this post has no pictures. That's all I'm going to say...

Kelly 6:45 AM, October 19, 2009  

but you could say you had a fancy run!

Marie-Claude 7:07 AM, October 19, 2009  

Well, you know what they say: all that glitters...

Thomas 7:41 AM, October 19, 2009  

No photos! No photos!

Kim 7:43 AM, October 19, 2009  

omg hilarious. cream-filled meat stick!

jen 8:01 AM, October 19, 2009  

Wow. Glad everything worked itself out.

Steph 8:13 AM, October 19, 2009  

Awesome post. I wish more people were this candid about things that frankly are just plain hilarious!

Darcy Franklin 8:13 AM, October 19, 2009  

I am glad you have a good relationship with your "cream-filled meat stick". I am glad it was just glitter and not something else.

Xenia 8:14 AM, October 19, 2009  

I. Love. Your. Blog.

That is all.

jtrimom 8:28 AM, October 19, 2009  

#1 pics or it didn't happen
#2 sorry for your pain, but that was hilarious

Trishie 9:12 AM, October 19, 2009  

wow. just... wow. nice blog, steve.

Lauren 9:17 AM, October 19, 2009  

I'm just glad no strippers were involved.

Oh wait. You were a wetsuit stripper at IMMoo.

Strippers were involved!

Sarah 9:24 AM, October 19, 2009  

I was doing great until the part where you ran into the house past Pharmie. Uh, never heard that name for it before! Funny, totally cracked me up.

Regina 9:31 AM, October 19, 2009  

Have to start calling you Gary (Glitter). Halloween is just around the corner, we all want to dress up, why deny your foo-foo the same pleasure.

Those who lay down with glitter....

Tri-Angle 9:32 AM, October 19, 2009  

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

trimybest 9:35 AM, October 19, 2009  

Holy shit steve I did not expect to spend this morning imagining you picking at your urethera! Some people get queasy from blood but I get queasy from mens pee holes.

PipTook 9:57 AM, October 19, 2009  

You know, I was having a stressed-out Monday and in a bad mood. Then I read your blog. You, sir, have made my day. You and your cream-filled meatstick.

Maryland Girl aka Michelle 10:26 AM, October 19, 2009  

sorry about your pain and thanks for the laugh. I have tears from laughter! My office mates are probably wondering what is wrong with me!

Bootchez 11:09 AM, October 19, 2009  

Where you say "You know where this is going . . . " well, I did NOT know . . . really, it could have been ANYTHING with you. And, hey, if it burns when you pee and the diagnosis is only glitter, well man it's your lucky day!

Anonymous,  11:19 AM, October 19, 2009  

You make me smile everytime. Your wife is a lucky lady... well probably not the night of the 18th, but I bet usually!

Lily on the Road 11:26 AM, October 19, 2009  

Well, I can only say that I can't believe this hasn't happened to you before now! LMAO!!

I don't want hear that you've passed any of this along to Pharmie, okay!

Morgan 11:44 AM, October 19, 2009  

LMFAO. Seriously... Hilarious.

Blyfinn 12:03 PM, October 19, 2009  

WOW, graphic. That was an awesome story. Only you can pull off bloging about that.

B.o.B. 3:08 PM, October 19, 2009  

Oh my. Good lawd this post was crazy. But hey, if Glitter worked for Mariah Carey it should work for you.

Colleen 3:13 PM, October 19, 2009  

I can't believe I kept reading to see how the blog went with the title. :) Thanks for leaving pictures out of this one! :)

Carolina John 3:15 PM, October 19, 2009  

I just like how many different ways you found to say "cock". I think designated hitter may be my favorite.

Nicole 6:11 PM, October 19, 2009  

LMAO! When I read this I thought to myself, he really just wanted to see how many things he could call his penis in one post...OUCH! Glad all is well...now!

Irish Cream 6:57 PM, October 19, 2009  

Just when I thought I'd heard it all . . . Only you, Steve. Only you ;)

Missy 7:22 PM, October 19, 2009  

Baaahahahaha, a sliver in your pecker...hahahahaha. Sorry, that's just funny. Hurts and I'm glad you're better but no one wants glitter or fairy dust shooting out your pernis!

Erin 8:25 PM, October 19, 2009  

Wow, this might be the funniest post ever. Thank you for not including pictures.

Adam 9:06 PM, October 19, 2009  

I bow down to your incredible euphemism skills. You sir, are the master.

Coach Liz 2:15 PM, October 20, 2009  

YOWZA!!!

I'm not sure I needed to know that your "foo-foo" was red and inflamed around it's "eye", but thanks for telling me......I guess.

I hope that we have all learned a valuable lesson from this today.

Eric 4:16 PM, October 20, 2009  

Ummmm.....yeah. Those are some interesting names for you Johnson.

Too funny.

Julie 9:47 PM, October 20, 2009  

I have never read a post with so many alternative phrases...and wow that is not something I would enjoy

sRod 1:15 PM, October 23, 2009  

I waited until I had time to read this post because the title was that interesting. It did not disappoint. Except that now I have a mental picture of Steve Jr. sprouting a river of glitter on some poor, unsuspecting bushes.

ON,  9:35 PM, October 26, 2009  

Hilarious! Curious as to how you were going to explain how the glitter got there. Came up with some new names for schlong that I haven't heard before. Now i will go to bed smiling.

Erica Ortiz 5:05 PM, November 17, 2009  

This now tops my list of "Things I thought I'd never Read about on the Internet"

Ouch, but LOL!

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