Osceola Duathlon Race Report (In Rhyme)

>> Sunday, September 28, 2008

(Note: When Pharmie was in Pharmacy School, I would make up dirty poems and send them to her so she could share them with her friends while studying. They were a BIG hit. Then, I posted a running poem about barely making it home to the bathroom. Finally, about a year ago, my 2007 Apple Duathlon race report was written as a poem as well. So it’s been over a year since my last poem, and I figure it’s time for another one. Enjoy.)

The Night Before:

I wanted to test the high yellow socks on a run around the block.
So I went out under the cover of darkness, around 8 o’clock.

Under 1 block into the run, and what did I see?
The high yellow socks had already slipped below my knee.

I made a decision on the short test run.
Before the yellow socks even got a chance to race, they were done.



They wouldn’t stay put over a fast race; I’m sorry to tell you.
They only would have worked if I had used a lot of glue.

Race Morning:

I was up by 5 in the morning.
I dropped a few pre-race “bombs” with little warning.

I made one last bathroom trip and drained my johnson.
Borsch, Steph, Matt, and I hit the road for Wisconsin.

The format for this race was 3 mile run, 22 mile bike, 1 mile run.
I was looking forward to the last part - a one mile run sounds fun!

I was going to do the 2 runs, and Borsch was going to do the ride.
It was Borsch’s first team event; I was filled with pride!


Matt, me, and Borsch

Matt was going to do this event alone.
To wish him luck, I tried to bury my bone:


Wow, what's that face?...

We started getting changed into our...well, you know...
Our “Team Tighty-Whitie race outfit” was starting to show:


Borsch changing


Me changing

We fully changed into our race clothes,
and then struck this awkward, heroic, epic pose:



I don’t know who we thought we’d impress,
so we settled down and got down to business:



On the way to the starting line, Steph said I had some grass on my ass.
I told her to get some class and stop with the sass.



I warmed up a bit before the start.
The racers were nearly ready to depart:



3 Mile Run:

A few waves started, and I got ready to go in Wave 4.
Standing around in that outfit made me feel a little like a cheap whore.



The gun went off, and in my wave I ran in the lead.
I was hoping for the best; I just didn’t want my nipples to bleed.





I went out hard and did the first mile in five twenty-three [5:23].
That was fast, but right where I wanted to be.

I missed the “mile 2” marker, but I know I slowed up a bit.
When I saw the “mile 3” marker, I nearly had a fit:

“I’m still far from transition! This ‘3 mile run’ is really a 5K!”
It was longer than advertised, but I booked it in with no delay.





I hit T1, ran up to Borsch, and he took off my chip.
He threw it on his leg, and was off on his bike at a speedy clip.

22 Mile Bike:

I came running into transition, and I was all smiles.
Borsch grabbed my chip, and was off to ride 22 miles.



He took the chip and was off in a jiffy.
Which was good news, because I really needed to use the biffy.

The first 3 mile run I had gotten through.
Now I dashed to the toilet where I dropped a number 2.

(In case you’re dense and didn’t get that last bit,
“Number 2” is slang for “I had to take a shit.”)

Steph and I ran a little down the bike course among all the mighty spruce.
I tried to stay warm, and I wanted to stay loose.

I saw the “mile 20” marker for the bike, and it made me laugh:
The bike wasn’t 22 miles; it was more like 20 and a half.

I got back into transition to wait for Borsch to come in.
He came flying in, and my last mile run was ready to begin.



1 Mile Run:

I ran out fast and hard.
I was moving so quick, I was leaving the ground charred.

I started to get those little toots known as “runners farts.”
They got pretty bad, so I clenched my cheeks like a tart.

I was getting worried - the farts were feeling a little loose.
But I just used that power and pretended each was a little rocket boost.

In that last run, I flew past about a dozen individual duathletes.
“Team Tighty-Whities” race was nearly complete!

I hit the finish line; I had gotten there in a hurry!
Sorry about my finish photo - it’s kinda blurry:


Walking through the chute

Post Race:

Borsch and I congratulated each other when we were done.
Team Tighty-Whitie had placed first! We had won!!

And taking a look at our splits,
I realized that we had shattered the old team course record by 8 minutes!

We were so happy, we nearly started to caper!
But then a man wanted our photo for the local newspaper:



I went for some food: pancakes, PB&J, and a banana.
Then we went to cheer on the other runners while listening to Hannah Montana.



Because we raced like a flying banshee,
we were able to walk away with a trophy:





Matt had a good day racing as a Clydesdale.
Among all Clydesdales, he came in as the 3rd fastest male!

Steph asked Matt to pose with his prize.
However, where he held it was a bit of a surprise!



We loaded up the car, and headed back to St. Paul.
We were all so hungry, that we nearly had a bad fall.

So we thought Paisano’s Pizza would do the trick,
and we stopped for some slices and a mound of breadsticks:



I hope my rhymes weren’t so bad that they gave you blood clots.
Check back in a few days for some official race shots.

We all did well, and throughout the race we were speeding.
As always, have a good week, and thanks for reading!

Official Times: (not in rhyme)
• 3 Mile Run (really a 5K): 17:40, fastest team run
• 22 Mile Bike (really 20.5 miles): 1:00:32, fastest team bike
• 1 Mile Run: 5:22, fastest team run
Total: 1:24:22 (previous team course record: 1:32:26)
• Team Tighty-Whitie: 1st place out of 12 teams

68 comments:

Kelly 4:54 PM, September 28, 2008  

Congrats!

You and Borsch really had a good pace,
Looks like you'll have to build yourself a trophy case!

Jumper 2.0 5:15 PM, September 28, 2008  

Excellent!

Excellent race too!

I am going to have to find a fast runner to race against you (yet cheer for you too) next year.

Roo 5:37 PM, September 28, 2008  

It's cheating if you wear bike shorts under the whities. And I still think those yellow things were meant to be hip leg warmers.
http://www.eightyeightynine.com/culture/legwarmers.html

Lisa Slow-n-Steady 5:40 PM, September 28, 2008  

Woot! Way to rock the course.

Those saggy socks were sad. Would have been funny though.

*aron* 5:41 PM, September 28, 2008  

wow you guys were FAST!!! CONGRATS that is so awesome!

great report too :)

Sarah 5:50 PM, September 28, 2008  

Awesome report - love the rhyme. And uh, I don't think you had to explain #2. You guys are supah fast!!!

Melanie 5:51 PM, September 28, 2008  

great race and poem! congrats on the win

teacherwoman 6:03 PM, September 28, 2008  

Congrats to you and Borsch...I just had an inkling that you guys were going to take first! :)

Great race report... loved the photos!

Girl on Top 6:21 PM, September 28, 2008  

Great job! I love the whities!

Christie 6:47 PM, September 28, 2008  

Well, good thing you didn't run in the yellow socks. They would have slowed you down. Congrats on winning 1st place!

Marcy 7:16 PM, September 28, 2008  

ROFLMAO! You whores! I love it! ;D

JenC 7:17 PM, September 28, 2008  

Good stuff - race and post!

Kona Shelley 8:13 PM, September 28, 2008  

Oh boy...you guys are CRAZY!! :-))

UntPawGal02 8:27 PM, September 28, 2008  

Way to chew 'em up and spit 'em out! Congrats :)

Julie 8:27 PM, September 28, 2008  

Team Tighty-Whitie kicks a$$!

b 9:07 PM, September 28, 2008  

Congrat's on the clean, whitey tighty win in the du :-) thanks for the "farty" peom too!

b

brendaj 10:03 PM, September 28, 2008  

Great job! And you didn't need the yellow socks...the rest of the outfit is fine without any more embellishment!

Blyfinn 10:10 PM, September 28, 2008  

WOW, it doesn't get much better then this post. The poem and pictures of of your racing outfits made me laugh so hard my sides still hurt. I don't know how you run so fast wearing that. I would be laughing the entire time.

Charlotte 10:40 PM, September 28, 2008  

I cannot believe you rhymed "Wisconsin" with "johnson" - you are so getting a call from the board of tourism, naughty.

That said, WTG on a great race! Team Tightey Whitey rocked it!!

Ms. V. 11:14 PM, September 28, 2008  

You enter the weirdest races!

Hey! You don't have an RSS feed, wha?????

Frayed Laces 11:27 PM, September 28, 2008  

You really need to get out more.

Your poor wife.

Run For Life 11:31 PM, September 28, 2008  

Great times, congrats!

I don't think I've seen more bathroom humour than on your blog, haha.

RBR 11:59 PM, September 28, 2008  

Classic.

I do feel a little sorry for the 11 teams that got there asses handed to them by a couple of guys in their underwear.

p.s. I agree with roo, I believe we were promised Speedos under the tighty whities.

Julianne 12:34 AM, September 29, 2008  

Congratulations on winning the race!! You guys also have the best team costume, I'm sure! And THAT. WAS. THE. BEST. RACE. REPORT. EVER. !!!

Ordinarylife 2:10 AM, September 29, 2008  

Oh my word, imagine how the other guys feel getting smashed by 2 guys in tighty whitey's!

Have some compassion!

Actually you make me want to visit the US just so I can watch you race.

AddictedToEndorphins 8:03 AM, September 29, 2008  

omg. Amazing report. Simply amazing. Great job on the race too:)

Kirsten 8:37 AM, September 29, 2008  

Dear Jeebuz...I had to bookmark your blog. I mean, where else can I read poetry about poo and Wisconsin (two of my favorite things)!?!

Awesome.

KK 9:00 AM, September 29, 2008  

Nice lyrics and even better race. You were smokin'!

Ms. R 9:27 AM, September 29, 2008  

Woohoo! Congratulations on the 1st place finish, and the rhymes.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg 10:28 AM, September 29, 2008  

First place! In a Duathlon! Whoa!! Congratulations to yez both!!

Know what I did this weekend? Drank beer, taunted a bald eagle, watched the Phillies. (At least the last part involves sports.)

You're my hero, steve stenzel! You know... if a fella didn't watch it, he could find himself falling for you. Falling hard.

You are a chick, right? I mean, it's "Steve" as in "Stevie" Nicks or poet "Stevie" Smith or (famous former-Phillies pitching great and notorious transvestite) "Steve" Carlton?

Because if you're a dude, the engagement's off! I demand a trial separation!

Congrats again to you and Borsch both! Impressive!

Cindy 10:43 AM, September 29, 2008  

pure awesomeness. congrats!

Jeff 10:50 AM, September 29, 2008  

What a day, you studs, you guys really rock.
Next year, maybe just wear a jock!

Darrell 11:00 AM, September 29, 2008  

So freaking funny and entertaining. Congrats on the hardware!

Erica Ortiz 11:11 AM, September 29, 2008  

Too funny! I needed that to open my Monday morning!

Two Left Feet 11:23 AM, September 29, 2008  

less clothes = better time?

congrats!

KodaFit 11:45 AM, September 29, 2008  

Nicely Done!!! And the pics were appreciated - although this may be one post my kids may not be shown - way to many potential questions that I don't want to answer - Not that it's a bad thing!

Vava 12:23 PM, September 29, 2008  

Those tighty whities aren't tight enough if you can get them on over something else. Great post!

Mon 12:28 PM, September 29, 2008  

how are you gonna share that trophy? thatd be my main concern.

loved the rhyme, it had a nice flow!

the gazelle 12:39 PM, September 29, 2008  

excellent times! congrats on another win.

Melanie 12:49 PM, September 29, 2008  

This may be the best blog post ever. Wow. I laughed so hard about your rocket boost farts. Congrats on a great race!

Anonymous,  12:51 PM, September 29, 2008  

Great Post! I thought my Grandma was the only one that used the word "biffy"!

~Rhonda from Minnesota

LG 1:01 PM, September 29, 2008  

kudos on the rhymes to go with the great pics -- that girl steph is a heck of a lot better than most of the professionals. and congratulations on a course record!! you guys are famous.

amybee 1:03 PM, September 29, 2008  

Hey Steve and Congrats to you!

I always have fun reading all about your pooh.

(my lame attempt at rhyming...)

Gotta Run 1:07 PM, September 29, 2008  

Sad about the yellow socks but you two looked great in your race team gear.

Just should market this stuff... really!

And your times... INSANE!!!!!

chia 1:28 PM, September 29, 2008  

It's so hard to not read in that Dr Seuss kind of chirp after reading an epic tale such as this ;-)

Great job!!

Xenia 1:46 PM, September 29, 2008  

I love your race reports. LOVE THEM!

Congrats to all three of you! Great job!

IM Able 1:52 PM, September 29, 2008  

You know...those socks would have totally stayed up with a garter belt.

Just saying (you should get one next time).

Kim 2:36 PM, September 29, 2008  

why are your panties so damn big?! way to go steve and borsch!! you guys effin rock!

Jess 2:37 PM, September 29, 2008  

Seriously you write the best race reports! Congrats to team Tighty-Whitey!

Tri-Angle 2:48 PM, September 29, 2008  

My first trip to your blog, although I've seen your name many a time. I'm forever scarred. Osceola....is PY's bar still there? I lived in the Cities for damn near 12 years and we would go camping over there somewhere. But we would ALWAYS drink to stupification at PY's

Stef 3:07 PM, September 29, 2008  

This has to be the funniest race report ever produced. Anywhere.

Congratulations on your win! WOO HOO!

ncrunner12 3:09 PM, September 29, 2008  

That post was simply classic... great race, congrats.

Wedgie 3:26 PM, September 29, 2008  

Those are pretty impressive guns for a dorky college professor!

The Happy Runner 4:00 PM, September 29, 2008  

Congratulations on the win -- and for rhyming the whole report.

Wil 4:00 PM, September 29, 2008  

You guys are rockstars! Way to go out there!

ShirleyPerly 4:18 PM, September 29, 2008  

Wow, Congrats!! I think you guys deserve a sponsorship from an underwear company :-)

Meg 6:34 PM, September 29, 2008  

Congratulations! You keep coming up with funnier outfits!

Anonymous,  7:30 PM, September 29, 2008  

Did you know you were running next to a former Olympian - the red haired guy in the yellow shirt in the photo right after the start of the three mile went to the Olympics in '84 and '88...now he coaches a high school nordic team!

Anonymous,  7:30 PM, September 29, 2008  

Did you know you were running next to a former Olympian - the red haired guy in the yellow shirt in the photo right after the start of the three mile went to the Olympics in '84 and '88...now he coaches a high school nordic team!

triguyjt 7:32 PM, September 29, 2008  

since you have many comments, I will kindly keep this short...
You, Borsch and your Tighty Whiteys...made for a fun race report

CoachLiz 9:16 PM, September 29, 2008  

Congratulations on a great race and a great rhyme!

Good call on scrapping the yellow socks.

Kelly H. 9:28 AM, September 30, 2008  

For those socks, you can use toupee tape. I used to use it to hold up my irish dancing socks, it really does work.

Anonymous,  10:00 AM, September 30, 2008  

The yellow socks...Big bird!

Lana 11:24 AM, September 30, 2008  

You are so freakin' hilarious...and now you are influencing Borsch!!! LOLOL...I love it! Congrats on the trophy!

rocketpants 10:27 PM, September 30, 2008  

I am really bummed that you didn't wear the yellow socks. Those would have...rocked...ok...maybe i'm trying to rhyme now. I will stop. :-)

Congrats on a course record and first place. That is great!

RooBabs 12:08 AM, October 04, 2008  

Great rhyming race report! Love the tight-whiteys (sad about the yellow socks, but good thing you realized the issue before racing).

Oh, and my favorite part was about the little rocket boosts!! Ewwww.

Congrats on 1st place!!

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