Friday Funny 244: Funny 'Cause It's True

Here are 10 things that are funny because they are true:

#1


#2


#3


#4


#5


#6


#7


#8


#9


#10

I think #5 and #9 are the best. What are the "truest" for you?

Happy weekend!!

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Friday Funny 243: Grammar

Related:

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Friday Funny 242: This WASN'T Henry's First Time Here...

Hey kid... get your hand off Daddy's booze.

Yep. This is Henry and I at "Marshall Liquors" - our local stop for hooch. Pharmie, Henry, and I walked there last weekend. It was a chiller evening, so I just threw on the Baby Bjorn and tucked Henry right in. He loved the walk. (He usually does.)

You could say this IS related to my last post about the "KITTEN mile." ;)

And in other "Henry news," he was spotted eyeing the leftover Halloween candy at daycare this past week:

He's his Momma's son.

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My "Kitten Mile" Race Report

There once was a race.
It maybe took place a few weeks ago...
or maybe it takes place a few weeks in the future.
It probably took place in St. Paul...
but there's a chance it took place in Wisconsin.
Who knows.

All we know for sure is that when you finish, it's not uncommon to look (and feel) like this:

What I'm talking about is a "Kitten Mile."

Here's how it works:
- Someone shouts "GO."
- You chug some cat nip.
- Then run 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run another 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run another 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run a final 1/4 mile.

That's a total of 48 ounces of nip and a mile of running. All of the cat nip chugging has to take place in a "transition zone" - you can't start running until after you're done chugging. If you throw up your cat nip before you finish, you have to do an extra penalty lap. If you have too much cat nip left from your 4 containers (usually something like 1 oz can be left when all of your extra is added up), you have to do a penalty lap.

I had one goal: to beat a certain female who beat me at a certain triathlon this past summer. It wasn't a "hardcore" goal - it was ALL in fun. As most kitten miles are.

I warmed up with previously stated "certain female," and we were ready to race!

First was the "male" wave. Lots of cheering and fun ensued.

Second was the "female" wave. Again, plenty of hooting and hollering.

Finally, it was time for the "elite" wave. The elite wave was both elite men AND women, and I was ready to race head-to-head with my female foe. Someone shouted "GO!" and we were off!!

I hit the cat nip hard, and was pretty proud about how fast it was going down. I took off running in 3rd place. I figured I might have a shot at second place, so I ran hard and tried to keep 2nd place close.

Back to "transition" again, and I AGAIN hit the nip hard, but it's harder to be fast with the nip once you're breathing hard. Oi. I started running the second loop STILL in third place. But at least I was STILL in front of my female foe.

The third trip to transition was the hardest. At this point, I think I lapped my female foe, so that race was pretty much over. I had a shot for second place, and I just wanted to see if I could post a similar time to last year's "kitten mile." I ran hard out of T3. I felt pregnant. And bloated. And tippy. And constipated. So yeah... just pregnant, I guess.

;)

The final chug went a little easier, but I was hurting. The good news is that this course is just OVER a 1/4 mile for each loop, so the final loop ISN'T a full loop - it's shorter than the first three so that the total distance is exactly a mile. So I hit the nip hard, and tried not to explode while sprinting the final bit. I hit the finish in 6:47, which was about 45 seconds out of first place and about 15 seconds behind second place (and about a lap ahead of anyone else in the elite wave). And my finish was 1 second slower than last year, so I felt pretty good about my consistency!

Little Henry got to watch me finish. He looked pretty impressed with my performance:

I actually took my splits during the race. Here's what I had on my watch:

- 0:20.8 chugging the nip
- 1:29.0 running
- 0:28.2 chugging the nip
- 1:31.3 running
- 0:31.1 chugging the nip
- 1:29.1 running
- 0:27.3 chugging the nip
- 0:30.5 running (short final lap due to long first 3 laps)

6:47 total. 3rd in the elite wave, and 3rd overall. My running times are surprisingly consistent!

15 minutes after finishing is when it really "hit" me. And that's what you see in this photo:

Not me, but we all felt like this.


A lot of love after the full effects of the "kitten mile" had set in.
Oh, and there's my "vein of approval!" And a kitten.

Afterward, Pharmie drove us to get cake at Cafe Latte. I did NOT want to be walking around with Henry in the state that I was in, so Pharmie carried him:

Pharmie and Henry looking at some cake

Once we got parked at a table, I was OK to feed the little guy so Pharmie could eat:

Look in my eyes. Yep. You can see it. You know what I'm talking about.


Pharmie finishing Hank's little snack.

So that does it for my second ever "Kitten Mile." I hope to be able to try this again in about a year, and maybe get my time closer to 6:30, but we'll see...


And now, a closing note from Captain Obvious:

"In what you have just read, 'kitten' doesn't really mean 'kitten.' And 'cat nip' doesn't really mean 'cat nip.' If you're just figuring that out now, you're a bit of a moron. Things were worded this way in order to protect the identity of everyone involved. That is all."

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Tis the Season...

It's getting to be that time of the year. It's about time to break this out of the closet:

p.s. There's a pretty amazing "race report" in the works. Check back tomorrow for something special... ;)

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Velodrome Racing Kit

If I ever get into Velodrome racing, I'm getting a helmet like this:

Sweet.

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Coolest. Fundraiser. Ever.

Yes, I'm getting ready to ask you to donate some money to my alma mater (and the college where I currently teach).

But don't go anywhere yet - hear me out! This is pretty cool!

The College of Visual Arts in St. Paul just launched a fundraising campaign called "FACE FROM SPACE." And this is why this is so cool: The 2 people who raise the most money for the college will have their faces printed on vinyl banners, and the banners will be put on top of one of the college's buildings until they're picked up by Google Earth! IT'S LITERALLY YOUR FACE FROM SPACE! Here's a mock-up of what it might look like on top of our Western Building (at the corner of Western and Selby in St. Paul):

This just launched on Wednesday, and currently I'm in second place. Oh yeah, I'm using a photo of Henry:

See the creepy-looking guy in first place right now? That's one of my good buddies:

He's using a photo of himself dressed up as Bryan Cranston from "Breaking Bad:"

Well played, Jamey. Well played.

Jamey REALLY is a good friend. Here he is next to me on my wedding day over 8 years ago:

Pharmie's brothers, me, Jamey, and Brian

So........



How cool would it be if Jamey's super creepy photo and Henry super cute photo were side-by-side on top of the Western Building and viewable for everyone from Google Earth? It'd be AWESOME!!!

Here's the "Face From Space" main page, and HERE'S THE LINK TO DONATE TO MY "FACE!" (Well, technically it's Henry's face.) Please donate a few dollars if you can. It's easy to do with a credit card, and it's a CINCH with PayPal. And make sure to print your receipt because it's a non-profit tax write-off. Thanks everyone!

Oh, and PLEASE share this link with anyone who you think would get a kick out of this idea! (And tell them to donate to me!)

Happy weekend!

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Friday Funny 241: A Swaddled Cat

Yeah, sure, that's a pretty good swaddling job done on that baby, but a CAT?!? How can ANYONE swaddle a cat?!?

THAT is impressive!

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Friday Funny 240: Hip Abductor Strengthening Looks Like WHAT??...

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Friday Funny 239: Facebook Un-Friending

Why does the phrase "only in Iowa" pop into my head as I read this:

Jeez... Jennifer is going to have a LOT of "acquaintances" who will now awkwardly still be her Facebook friend for fear of death-by-fire. Wow.

In case you need a guide to what's appropriate and inappropriate Facebook behavior, I found this handy chart for you:

Hope that helps clear things up!

(True story regarding that 3rd point above: I once un-friended a high-school classmate because she asked me to join some sort of "Twilight" group on FB. Fo reals.)

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3 Photos from Henry's First Half Marathon!

.... *unofficial* half marathon, I should say.

Pharmie had to work this past weekend, so I spent a fair amount of time with my little guy. Saturday, his Auntie visited for a while, and Sunday his Grandparents visited. But before family came up on Sunday, we went for a long run.

It was a cool morning, so I got Henry dressed in layers, including his little mittens:

He was awake and looking around for the first 3-4 miles, but then he passed out:

We ran up and down the hills along the river. I didn't know where all of my mile markers were (I planned it that way on purpose), but I took my splits when I was on "familiar territory." We ran the first few miles easier, but then we picked it up for miles 7-11. My splits for those miles were 6:46, 6:40, 6:42, 6:35, and 6:27. Henry was passed out the whole time.

I knew we would be CLOSE to 13.1 miles, so we ran an extra 2 blocks on the way home during my cool-down. It was a good thing we did, because when I mapped it out after my run, it came to 13.11 miles in 1:33:59. It was Henry's first (unofficial) half marathon!!

Henry woke up a few blocks from home, and was awake (and missing a mitten) when we pulled into the yard:

Don't worry... the mitten was in the stroller

Henry, it's so much fun to run with you! I hope you "put up with" my runs for a while!!....

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The Most Amazing Halloween Costume Ever

This is kinda off topic (but a lot of things are now-a-days on this blog), but I wanted to share this:

I want to do this.

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