My "Kitten Mile" Race Report

>> Wednesday, November 09, 2011

There once was a race.
It maybe took place a few weeks ago...
or maybe it takes place a few weeks in the future.
It probably took place in St. Paul...
but there's a chance it took place in Wisconsin.
Who knows.

All we know for sure is that when you finish, it's not uncommon to look (and feel) like this:

What I'm talking about is a "Kitten Mile."

Here's how it works:
- Someone shouts "GO."
- You chug some cat nip.
- Then run 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run another 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run another 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run a final 1/4 mile.

That's a total of 48 ounces of nip and a mile of running. All of the cat nip chugging has to take place in a "transition zone" - you can't start running until after you're done chugging. If you throw up your cat nip before you finish, you have to do an extra penalty lap. If you have too much cat nip left from your 4 containers (usually something like 1 oz can be left when all of your extra is added up), you have to do a penalty lap.

I had one goal: to beat a certain female who beat me at a certain triathlon this past summer. It wasn't a "hardcore" goal - it was ALL in fun. As most kitten miles are.

I warmed up with previously stated "certain female," and we were ready to race!

First was the "male" wave. Lots of cheering and fun ensued.

Second was the "female" wave. Again, plenty of hooting and hollering.

Finally, it was time for the "elite" wave. The elite wave was both elite men AND women, and I was ready to race head-to-head with my female foe. Someone shouted "GO!" and we were off!!

I hit the cat nip hard, and was pretty proud about how fast it was going down. I took off running in 3rd place. I figured I might have a shot at second place, so I ran hard and tried to keep 2nd place close.

Back to "transition" again, and I AGAIN hit the nip hard, but it's harder to be fast with the nip once you're breathing hard. Oi. I started running the second loop STILL in third place. But at least I was STILL in front of my female foe.

The third trip to transition was the hardest. At this point, I think I lapped my female foe, so that race was pretty much over. I had a shot for second place, and I just wanted to see if I could post a similar time to last year's "kitten mile." I ran hard out of T3. I felt pregnant. And bloated. And tippy. And constipated. So yeah... just pregnant, I guess.


The final chug went a little easier, but I was hurting. The good news is that this course is just OVER a 1/4 mile for each loop, so the final loop ISN'T a full loop - it's shorter than the first three so that the total distance is exactly a mile. So I hit the nip hard, and tried not to explode while sprinting the final bit. I hit the finish in 6:47, which was about 45 seconds out of first place and about 15 seconds behind second place (and about a lap ahead of anyone else in the elite wave). And my finish was 1 second slower than last year, so I felt pretty good about my consistency!

Little Henry got to watch me finish. He looked pretty impressed with my performance:

I actually took my splits during the race. Here's what I had on my watch:

- 0:20.8 chugging the nip
- 1:29.0 running
- 0:28.2 chugging the nip
- 1:31.3 running
- 0:31.1 chugging the nip
- 1:29.1 running
- 0:27.3 chugging the nip
- 0:30.5 running (short final lap due to long first 3 laps)

6:47 total. 3rd in the elite wave, and 3rd overall. My running times are surprisingly consistent!

15 minutes after finishing is when it really "hit" me. And that's what you see in this photo:

Not me, but we all felt like this.

A lot of love after the full effects of the "kitten mile" had set in.
Oh, and there's my "vein of approval!" And a kitten.

Afterward, Pharmie drove us to get cake at Cafe Latte. I did NOT want to be walking around with Henry in the state that I was in, so Pharmie carried him:

Pharmie and Henry looking at some cake

Once we got parked at a table, I was OK to feed the little guy so Pharmie could eat:

Look in my eyes. Yep. You can see it. You know what I'm talking about.

Pharmie finishing Hank's little snack.

So that does it for my second ever "Kitten Mile." I hope to be able to try this again in about a year, and maybe get my time closer to 6:30, but we'll see...

And now, a closing note from Captain Obvious:

"In what you have just read, 'kitten' doesn't really mean 'kitten.' And 'cat nip' doesn't really mean 'cat nip.' If you're just figuring that out now, you're a bit of a moron. Things were worded this way in order to protect the identity of everyone involved. That is all."


Anonymous,  8:13 AM, November 09, 2011  

Mmmmmm, kittens! I looove kittens! ;)

Maggs 9:47 AM, November 09, 2011  

I kept thinking it sounds like a beer mile but I know you don't drink-I was confused but then again it's 5:30 AM out here so cut me some slack

Unknown 10:53 AM, November 09, 2011  

i'd be puking kitty litter all over the place ;)

Carolina John 11:29 AM, November 09, 2011  

Sounds like a fun time allright! You'll get them next year.

Jamie 11:37 AM, November 09, 2011  

You are much better at chugging kitty litter than I am. The gigantic gas bubble in my stomach nearly destroyed me. I did a 12-something mile last year.

Chic Runner 1:02 PM, November 09, 2011  

Gah the good old kitten mile... nothing better! :)

Kim 2:29 PM, November 09, 2011  

i beat jamie at the kitty litter challenge last year. it was hard, and i burped a ton but it was awesome!

Mark 2:38 PM, November 09, 2011  

You must have shotgunned that "kitten nip"

Bob Mitera 5:48 PM, November 09, 2011  

Fast for chugging kittens. So much foam.

That Pink Girl 6:19 PM, November 09, 2011  

I've been the DD at Kitten Mile before so yes, I know that look. And that post race prone pose! You did great - def an elite cat nip runner. Way to go!

Andy Rosebrook 6:39 PM, November 09, 2011  

So how exactly do you qualify for the elite division at the Kitten Mile?

Steve Stenzel 9:04 PM, November 09, 2011  

To answer some questions / comments:

YES, there IS a lot of burping! That's maybe the worst part while doing it.

Mark, shotgunning is illegal in a race like this. Really. There's apparently a "governing body" that holds power over this, and you have to consume it "traditionally" without shotgunning it. Who'd-a-thunk? :)

Andy, there was no qualifier. Just someone saying "elite or male wave?" Easy-peasy.

And to answer a tweet: I was NOT talking about weed this whole time! Sure, I teach at an art school, but I've never smoked pot. This is a more legal substance! :)

Rachel 2:56 PM, November 10, 2011  

You're better at holding your catnip than I.

I'd be curled up asleep after the second lap, and digging in the litter box after the third.

Unknown 7:36 AM, November 11, 2011  

those photos made me laugh! I love the photoshopped kitten covering what I am assuming was catnip?

These aren't for me, due to religious reasons. I would totally be hacking into a litter box, though, as I consider myself to be a reformed sinner :)

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