10 Things You Should Never Say to a Triathlete

Here's an quick an enteraining piece written by UK author Debbie Graham about 10 things you should never say to a triathlete:

1. “Did you see the (insert highly desirable bike) sale online? I picked up a (insert highly desirable bike) for (insert smaller amount of money than you paid for your bike)” – No, I didn’t see the sale online, so shut up because conversations like this always make me feel like the only person who’s ever paid full price for a DFS sofa.

2. “Are you injured?” – No, that’s my normal running style, but thanks for pointing out the many flaws in it that evidently make me look I’m crippled with arthritis.

3. “You’ve put a bit of timber on haven’t you?” – Of course you realise that even though this has probably been said in jest, suggesting I have put on weight means I will now shun all food except muesli and bananas, and sit for several hours on a turbo trainer until I start sweating spinal fluid, until my willpower snaps and I empty the entire contents of the fridge into my stomach.

4. “Why don’t you have a day off training?” – because if I do I will immediately put on two stones in weight and all my results for the season ahead will be completely ruined.

5. “How’s your training going?” – Make yourself comfortable, this answer is going to go into more detail than a crime scene forensic examination.

6. “What time will you be home from your ride?” – If I tell you a time that means I have to stick to it, and I might get lost, or get a puncture, or more likely massively over-estimate my abilities and be so slow that I end up coming home 45 minutes after I said I would, at which point I’ll say I got lost and had a puncture.

7. “Is that any good?” – This was said to me by Mrs B in response to me telling her I’d just done 10 hours 20 minutes for an Ironman. Not only did this completely puncture my pride but it meant I couldn’t say “Yes” without sounding like I was bragging (which I was, but I was trying to fake humility). I’m still in a mood about it five years on.

8. “Have you ever done (insert race that is tougher than the one you’ve just done)” – No, I haven’t. But now I’ll probably have to. Thanks for that.

9. “I thought you were supposed to be fit” (this in response to your failure to get a lid of a jar, or lift a heavy wheelie bin) – I am fit, but in a very specific way that involves travelling a long way at a mediocre pace. I’m not Bruce Lee.

10. “Fancy going to the pub Saturday night?” – Sorry, no, I have to get up at 6am and do six hours on my bike because I’m training for a race I entered at 2am the last time I came in from a Saturday night at the pub.

Ask my wife: I'm good about #6. I can stick to a time very well!

And speaking of my wife (and #3 which mentions talking about people's weight), she's taught me not to say "hey, it looks like you've lost some weight" even if trying to be really kind because that might not be what the person is after and not what they're wanting to hear. So instead, she's taught me to say "hey, you're looking really fit!" Semi-pertinent, I guess. :)