Less of a Man, More of a Triathlete

>> Wednesday, August 01, 2007

This photo should probably carry some sort of warning, but what the heck. Here it is:

Yes, that’s me with a half smooth / half hairy chest.

Yes, that’s a ring of hair still around my nipple. The hair remover said to stay away from your nipples and anus. Not a problem.

YES, I DID shave that hairy ring off.

It takes some people 2 photos to show a “before and after.” Not me. There it was, all in one photo. Before / After.

On Friday night, I took care of my chest, shoulders, and little patches on my back. I used “Hansen’s for Men Hair Removal Lotion” that I got at Target. It said it was “Extra Strength.” I didn’t know if that was a good thing, or if that just meant that it would burn all my skin off. It worked quite well. My skin stayed intact, my man-sweater did not.

On Saturday, I finished with the rest of my body. First, I shaved my arms with an electric razor:

Then I shaved my legs with the same electric razor:

Then I touched it all up with shaving cream and a razor:

That last photo is the one that will make my Dad disown me. Sorry Dad.

I’m not sure what comparisons to make. Here are my choices:

A. Robin Williams came over, showered off, and didn’t “clean up” after himself.

B. 140 cats broke into our house, licked themselves all over, and hacked up hairballs all over our bathroom.

C. A Wookie had an abortion in my bathtub.

I’m leaning towards C. Yep, defiantly C.

I didn’t remove EVERYTHING. I had to hang on to a little of my dignity. So I’m left with... how can I put this... I... I’m still wearing a “Sasquatch Speedo.” I think that about sums it up. When all was said and done, I looked like this the next day at the Chisago Lakes Half IM:

It’s a strange feeling. I can really feel the shirt that I’m wearing. I mean, really FEEL it. I’ve never had any shirt feel so close to me. I think I’ll keep this “lifestyle” up through Ironman, and then I start growing my furry winter coat out again.

My official results:
• Chest, shoulders, and back hair removal (cream) - 40:00
• Arm and leg hair removal (electric) - 15:00
• Arm and leg final shave (razor) - 15:00
• Clean up time - 5:00
• Total - 1:15:00

(Note: I blatantly stole the title for this post from Mr. P. I knew exactly what that title meant when I read it on his blog 3 months ago. I had to use it and give him credit. Also, he posted this slightly inappropriate clip from the Family Guy about Stewie shaving his body. It’s funny, but it’s a little raunchy. You have been warned.)


Cliff 8:52 AM, August 01, 2007  

Oh...man u shave your upper body as well :)

That's too much work for me :D.

Good thing us Asians are naturally hairless

The (IRON) Clyde 9:13 AM, August 01, 2007  

I like smooth legs, chest and head, but as you found out, staying hairless can take up a considerable amount of time every few weeks.

Born To Endure 9:15 AM, August 01, 2007  

Oh yah..smooth is the way to go!!!

Joy | Love | Chaos 10:13 AM, August 01, 2007  

Steve in a Wookie Speedo...Gross!!

Andra Sue 10:17 AM, August 01, 2007  

Um. Not sure what to say here, other than, what an interesting first visit to your blog. And unfortunately, not a great accompanyment to my breakfast. Hee hee. You do look really fast now, though. :-)

Lance Notstrong 11:41 AM, August 01, 2007  

I can see you applying that stuff to your chest like the scene from 40 Year Old Virgin....."not the nipple, oh, not the nipple".

I just feel for Pharmie in all of this. Not because you're smooth, I'm sure she's down with that. No because of the pictures.....
"uh honey, come take a picture of me in the tub shaving my legs".

Steve Stenzel 12:13 PM, August 01, 2007  

Lance, shes's TOTALLY down with me being smooth, and she's lived with me long enough to understand that she'll sometimes be asked to take a photo of something strange...

Spandex King 2:10 PM, August 01, 2007  

You forgot the tranistion times. Good pace!!

Unknown 4:15 PM, August 01, 2007  

Very nice...we'll see how long you last keeping it all off. Take it from the women who've been shaving a long time. It ain't so much fun over and over and over again!!!

Marcy 4:16 PM, August 01, 2007  

OMFG I love you man!! You rock for posting those!! ;D

Yeah about the boobs . . .you'll know I'm talking about them if I say "Prunes or floppy flack jacks" :P

Sixteen Chickens 4:42 PM, August 01, 2007  

Why oh why did I pick today of all days to check in on my blogging buddy Steve? Karma! What have you got to say about this? Oh yeah, right, losing my appetite is a good thing 'cause I'm on a diet. Thanks.

Triteacher 9:29 PM, August 01, 2007  

YOU. Are too funny!!! I don't know which part you should be proudest of -- the before and after in one pic or the wookie defense?

Thanks for the laugh. :)

Trisaratops 9:53 PM, August 01, 2007  


Sasquatch Speedo?!?!?!?!?!?!


RunBubbaRun 5:27 AM, August 02, 2007  

I see the Dark side has invaded the Wookie empire.

Not sure what to say, Now I will know it's not your hair in my mouth during the IMWI swim.

Okay, now that last picture is my mind forever now, the cat licking thingy has now been replaced with this.. OMG...

Allez 7:36 AM, August 02, 2007  

Your overall time isn't bad! Lance complains that it takes him an hour alone to shave his legs!

Lucky number 7 2:22 PM, August 02, 2007  

Pretty funny stuff. Becareful, you may get to like the slightly less hairy body!! Way to go on the race!!

Lance Notstrong 3:49 PM, August 02, 2007  

It DOES take me an hour Allez!!! I have to get home early the night before a race so I have time to get "smooth" :-)

Tracy 9:32 AM, August 03, 2007  

Bunnies. Unicorns. Little kids making sandcastles. Butterflies. Puppies. AH! PUPPIES, yes. Lots and lots of puppies....

teacherwoman 3:18 PM, August 03, 2007  

Smooth as a baby's butt! Nice!

Widget 3:29 PM, August 03, 2007  


speaking as another man who shaves (only his legs mind you), that is some seriously disturbing shit and I think I need some eye bleach. :-)

Has it started to itch yet?

Also, congrats on your outstanding race. It seems to be a good year for racing - I PR'd Spirit of Racine by half an hour.

Good luck with the rest of your training and I'll see you on one of those fun hills in Madison.


Michelle 8:24 AM, August 06, 2007  

You are one crazy dude! Anytime you can start off the day with a great laugh, you know it will be a good day. Thanks.

Wedgie 12:06 PM, August 06, 2007  

So you give us fair warning that the Stewie clip might be offensive, but don't warn us about your fuzzy exposed man boobs? What kind of topsy-turvy blog is this?!

Iron Whore 3:48 AM, August 15, 2007  

Nice shaving job...See you at IMWI. I'll be smooth as well :)

Anonymous,  3:50 PM, June 04, 2015  

Dude. I realize shaving is critical for the races, but aesthetically, grow the hair back...sexy appeal, for sure.

Steve Stenzel 8:20 PM, June 04, 2015  

Breit, this was in 2007. It's all grown back and MUCH fuller now. :)

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