PSA: How To Rid Your Body Of Hair

I won’t lie: I was scared the first time. I didn’t know what to expect. And the hair removal cream had a warning on it telling me to keep it away from my nipples.

I.
Did.
Not.
Want.
To.
Burn.
Off.
My.
Nipples.

Let me make this clear: I do NOT know everything regarding hair removal. But I will share what I can and hopefully you (or your hairy loved one) can make the transition from “hairy, slow beast” to “smooth, aerodynamic, speedy athlete.”

Lesson 1: Method

Pharmie wanted me to wax. I’ve seen “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” and that kinda turned me off to waxing (just a little). So, admittedly, that’s something I don’t know anything about. In my case, I figured I’d shave my legs, shave my arms, and use a cream on my chest.

The first time I used “Hansen for Men: Hair Removal Lotion,” and the second time I used “Nair for Men.”

Both worked fine. Neither of them burned my skin or did anything strange. They both smelled fine (Hansen might smell a little better) and both did the trick. Hansen came with a bladeless razor, and Nair did not. But that wasn’t a real issue. I would say they are pretty equal products, but I might prefer Nair just because the Hansen tube was hard to get everything out of, whereas Nair comes out of the can easily like shaving cream. I tested Hansen on a tiny spot on my chest a day before using it all over, just to make sure it wasn’t going to make my skin burn off or break out.

I wanted to try a cream because it wasn’t as painful as waxing, but it would go a little “deeper” than just shaving. I’m glad I used the cream. Waxing may have lasted a little longer, but, I admit, I’m scared to try.

Lesson 2: Attack That Hair

I like “dramatic effect.” Therefore, when I spread the cream on my chest for the first time, I only spread it on half of my chest. Dramatic effect. I waited the proper 5 to 10 minutes, and then used the bladeless razor to scrape it all off. Here’s the dramatic result of half hairy / half hairless:

Notice the ring of hair around my nipple because
I didn’t want to burn off those fellas

I finished the other side of my chest, and all was well.

The second time I removed my chest hair, I tried “Nair for Men.” Like I mentioned before, it did not have a bladeless razor. Nair recommended using a bath towel to wipe it off. But that would have been nasty. So I lathered up and wiped it off with paper towels. (Many of my “regulars” will remember this from around Christmas time.) I started by removing a heart:

The heart came clean easily, and then I lathered up the rest of the chest:

After the scary use of the magical cream, I took a razor CAREFULLY around my nip-nips. Then I worked on the rest of my body hair. I used an electric clipper on my arms and legs.

Shaved arm hair in the sink


Shaved leg hair in the tub

Then I shaved my arms and legs. It was weird the first time:

Lesson 3: Clean Up

When I got down wiping off that body hair, I had paper towels strewn all over the bathroom with creamy body hair all over it:

If you go with cream and wipe off some body hair, there WILL be a mess in your bathroom. Clean that junk up. If you have pets, make sure to take out the trash, or your furry family members (I’m talking about your pets - remember YOU just took care of your hair and are no longer furry) will get into the hairy, creamy mess. Also, wash your bath towel right away. Any rogue cream could discolor your towel or get spread around the bathroom before you know it.

Lesson 4: Reap the Benefits

At least one of three things will happen once you go “hair-free:”

1. You will get faster.
2. You will feel faster.
3. You will get sexed up.

I don’t know if I got any faster, but, as Meatloaf said, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Here I was, the day after first going hair-free, getting ready to do the Chisago Lakes Half-Ironman:

Lesson 5: Maintenance

If you want to keep up this hairless lifestyle, you’re far from over. You need to keep it under control. I think I shaved about 1 to 2 times each week with a regular razor to keep up the manscaping between my first shave and Ironman. Here are the 2 razors in our shower:

As I’ve admitted to everyone before, mine is the pink one

A few days before Ironman, I did my last, complete all-over shave:

Then I made final touch-ups the day before IM.

I haven’t been keeping up the hairlessness because it’s flippin freezing here, and every bit of body hair helps. Sometime mid-summer, I’ll go through this process again. Probably right before the Lifetime Fitness Olympic Tri. Look for the debut of “2008 Hairless Steve” at that triathlon.

Final Thoughts

Once you’re smooth, everything is different. Putting on a shirt is strange. You’ll really be able to FEEL the shirt on your body. Crawling into bed is a smooth motion. Honestly, I could take or leave the smooth chest. I don’t know what to think about it. It makes me look like I’m 11 years old. But the shaved legs are kinda nice...

So, do you have any advice to give on this subject? Can you help out? Please comment with your experience on manly hair removal. Thanks everyone!