Joe Plant 5K Race Report

Or, “Avoiding ‘Dingleberry’ Status”

Or, “Runnin’ On My Own In Short Shorts”

Joe Plant was a young marathon runner who was in training to fulfill his lifetime dream of becoming a St. Paul Police Officer. Joe and his friend, Joel, were known to run countless miles around Lake Phalen in St. Paul. Joe recently died in his mid-20s of heart failure. This run was the idea of his best friend Joel in memory of Joe.

Steph, Jon, and I hopped in the car early this morning, and headed out to Lake Phalen. Steph was going to cheer and lug our stuff around, and Jon and I were going for PRs. We got there, and got our race numbers:

They were HOPING for 150 runners, but they got over 400! There were a ton of police officers and groups of officers-in-training from the Police Academy. It was really great!

Let me explain this next photo: When I first wore shorts this year (just a few weeks ago), Bigun remarked about my apparently “long” shorts: “those aren't shorts...they are pants pulled up.”

And regarding my Ironman photos from last year, Kate said “I can't believe you ran a freakin' marathon in those shorts!” And the Dread Pirate said “Man, you look strong. Even in those shorts.” No love for my shorts.

So to show you all WHY I don’t wear short shorts, I decided to break them out today. Here you go, jerks:

See? SEE?!? This is why I don’t wear SHORT shorts! I’M PASTIE AND THIN! I DID have the modesty to wear my Under Armour (rolled up) under the shorts, just so my junk didn’t roll out during the run.

OK, onto some business. I had my traditional pre-race poop and was feeling good. Getting ready at the starting line, Gary (the President and founder of Charities Challenge) told those wanting to run a sub-20 to get to the front. I headed up with a few others:

Gary saw me and asked what I was hoping to run. I said “Around 18 minutes.” He wished me luck, and he started the race:

It took about 1 block for me to pull away from everyone else. After a 1/4 mile, I couldn’t even hear footsteps behind me. This entire race was spent out on my own, in front of everyone. The first mile was good and fast.

Mile 1: 5:38. Just around the first mile marker, I was coming up upon 2 ladies walking on the trail. In one breath as I passed them, I quickly said “There’s a lot of runners coming your way in about a minute.” They thanked me and I kept going. Steph said she could see me across the lake for most of the run, and she snapped a photo of me getting ready to climb a nice hill:

Can you see the sun glistening off my
white, pale, sickly-thin thighs?...

Mile 2: 6:04. Getting up to mile 2 was tough. We were running into the wind, and it was icky. This is where I start to hurt during a 5K. I was concerned that I was starting to crash. But I didn’t worry. I trusted my speed work, and I just picked it up and pushed hard...

Mile 3: 5:08. Sweet. It FELT fast and hard. PR, here I come. (mile 2 might have been a little long, and mile 3 a little short...)

Last 0.1: 0:35.

(passing some walkers finishing the 1 mile walk)

Total: 17:26
Pace: 5:37 / mile
Place: 1st out of 400+

I was hoping to finish in around 18 minutes, which would have been a 40 second PR. Instead, I took over a minute off my PR. And I remember my fastest 5K time in high-school was either 18:40-something or 17:40-something, so this is a TRUE PR! Sweet, I’m not a dingleberry!! (See previous post.)

A few minutes later, Jon came running through, with a new PR!!

As soon as Joel (Joe’s friend) finished, he came over and shook my hand and thanked me for coming out. Then, Jon and I cheered in the rest of the runners:

I went to say good-bye to Gary, and he set up one last photo. This photo is of (from left to right) Joel (Joe’s friend who wanted to have a race in his name), Joe’s Mom, me, Jeannie (who made this race happen), and Gary (president of Charities Challenge):

Well, you’ll have to excuse me now, but I have to stretch and get ready for a 10-miler. Marathon training awaits! And I’ll have more photos from today’s 5K shortly...

p.s. A big thanks to Steph for taking such great photos today! Thanks Steph!

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I Think I’ve Settled On The 5K...

Weighing all the options and all of your feedback from the last post, I think I’ll try the Joe Plant Memorial 5K this Sunday at Lake Phalen. The biggest downside is not getting to meet Teacherwoman. Dang.

MissAllyCat was one of the people that voted for the 5K. She said it best when she ended with “PR that bitch!!”

Mister P made a good (but selfish) point. He told me to do the event that could lead to the most entertaining post afterwards.

Now, I HAVE to PR, otherwise I’ll feel like a total dingleberry*.

All of the local weather guys are predicting some rain/snow mix on Saturday night and Sunday morning. This would not help my case for my PR. I cannot slip and slide my way to a PR. We’ll see how this goes. Wish me luck!

* Dingleberry - noun.
1. That last little turd that just CANNOT be pinched off no matter the strength of one’s sphincter. It just hangs there, mocking its master. It will not join the other kids that have just been dropped off at the pool. “I pinched and I pinched, but I just ended up smearing that dingleberry all over my ass!”
2. A “Klingon” near “Uranus.”
3. Steve on Sunday if he doesn’t PR. “Steve finished 3 seconds slower than his PR - what a dingleberry.”

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Help Me Choose My Event

This Sunday, before my long run for the week, I’d like to do a quick event. I have 2 in mind, but I don’t know which one I should do. Please help me out.

1. Joe Plant Memorial 5K, St. Paul

Pros:
- I’ve been getting fast since I’ve added intervals into my training, and I think I could really smoke my old 5K PR. I’m curious how fast I could run a 5K...
- It’s close to home and would just take an hour or 2 out of my day.
- With marathon training ramping up, I’m only going to start getting slower, so now might be my last time to shine.

Cons:
- Running is my strongest event of swim/bike/run, so do I REALLY need to be running 5Ks when I could be working on my weaker events?


2. Lifetime Fitness Indoor Triathlon, Maple Grove

Pros:
- It would be a great brick workout.
- North Dakota Blogger Buddy TeacherWoman will be there, and we could finally meet in person. (Her blog was one of the first I started reading 2 years ago...)

Cons:
- It’s farther from home.
- And it will take more time out of my day.

Some of these pros and cons are bigger than others. Now, it’s in your hands, fellow bloggers. I need an outside perspective. What do you think I should do? Thanks all!

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Workout Updates and Rural Girl Sighting in MN

Tuesday was a heck of a day. It started with a quick lunch with speedy WI triathlon buddy, Rural Girl. We met up at the Mall of America where she was shopping for hoochie concert digs for a Bon Jovi concert:

She’s been to something like 613 Bon Jovi concerts because she’s not-so-secretly in love with Jon Bon Jovi. It’s probably for the best that she’s happily married with a few kids, because her kids with Bon Jovi would look like this...

...and that’s just nasty.

Then I drove home 2 hours to my parents place to spend the night. I needed to get in my 12 mile run for the week, so I planned to do it down there. I stopped at a convenience store in Wells for some quick pre-run fuel. I looked for Powerbars or some sort of gel, but they had nothing. So I settled for a DELICIOUS Cow Tail.

I LOVE THESE!

I stretched and headed out on my run. Here was my boring, boring route:

I ran a big loop from my parent’s home, into Wells, and back out again. It was 6 miles of gravel and 6 miles of highway. The last 4 miles were into the wind and VERY mentally challenging. There are NO HOMES in the last 2.5 miles of the run, so all I saw was Mom and Dad’s place SLOWLY getting closer and closer. It was tough. But I didn’t stop to walk once, and I finished in 1:27:58 (7:20/mile).

It was a hazy day, so I basically got to the edge of the haze and turned right. Repeat that a few times, and boom: 12 miles.

After the run, my feet were pretty sore. I had a few small pieces of gravel hop in my shoes. I also noticed that I didn’t grab my “Sunday best” when I was picking out socks:

And guess what that hole led to? That’s right, a nice little blister:

And then the next day, my Dad had all of his seed corn delivered for spring planting, but the truck driver forgot a ramp. So we unstacked and restacked 10,000 to 15,000 pounds of bagged seed corn. That counts as cross-training!

Last week, my long run was 10 miles, and I did that in 1:08:11 (6:49/mile). The 10-miler was in the Cities where it was not as windy and I could run on paved surfaces.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

So I’ve been doing pretty good on the long runs in my training program, and I’ve actually been ENJOYING the speed work as well. Yesterday, I did my intervals for the week. I’ve been running all my intervals along Summit Ave in St. Paul where the stoplights are a half-mile apart and it’s easy to map out a route.

• 3 weeks ago, I did 6x800 meters with 2:50 average (75 seconds rest).
• 2 weeks ago, I did 8x400 meters with 1:13 average (75 seconds rest).
• Last week, I did 4x1200 meters with 4:14 average (90 seconds rest).
• Yesterday, I did 8x800 meters with a 2:43 average (75 seconds rest) and my second interval was 2:34!

Intervals SUCK while I’m running them, but I always feel so great afterward! I may run a 5K this Sunday before going to my Grandma’s house for Easter, mostly because I’m curious how I could do in a 5K after just a few weeks of this speed work. If I were to run the same pace as I ran in the 8K last weekend, I would PR. And I think I can go faster! Happy Easter! If you’re reading from central to south Minnesota, enjoy the fresh snow!

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More Proof That I’m A Hairy Beast

One of the things Pharmie got me for my birthday was a “hot towel shave” at a local salon. And last weekend, I had previously mentioned hot towel shave.

And it was sweet.

But it took the shaver a bit of work. He heated up my face with a hot towel (duh), and got out his straight “cut-throat” razor.

He half jokingly (but half serious) held the razor up right in front of my eye and said, “Once I start, DO NOT MOVE a muscle!”

He took care of my cheeks and jaw-line easily enough. Then he moved to my upper lip.

(Not me. Just used for demonstration purposes.)

The blade wasn’t cutting through my upper lip hair. My shaving man covered my face back up in the hot towel, said he needed to try a different approach, and left the room briefly. He came back with an electric hair clippers. For your head hair. Not for your facial hair. Unless you’re hairy, hairy Steve Stenzel.

He said my facial hair wasn’t that thick (as in, if I grew a mustache it would NOT fill out that well), but EACH HAIR was thicker than usual. Thick like a tree.

This confirms what we’ve known all along: I am one hairy mo-fo.

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Human Race 8K Race Report

Pharmie and I ran the “Saint Patrick’s Day Human Race” 8K this afternoon. It was 32 degrees when we were getting ready to go, so we wore shorts! It’s a frickin’ heat wave! Here’s Pharmie getting laced up:

And here we are, all ready to go:

Here’s the weird part: we left our house 12 minutes before the start of the race and made it in PLENTY of time. The race started by the University of St. Thomas, so the starting line was 3/4 of a mile down the street from our house. We jogged down there to warm up, and were ready for the gun.

I had my usual 3 goals: what I KNEW I could do, what I HOPED I would do, and my CRAZY goal that would be something to shoot for. For this 8K (5 miles), I knew I could run it in 32 minutes, I hoped to break 31, and my crazy goal was to break 30 minutes. That would be 6-minute miles. I didn’t know how realistic my crazy goal was, but it’s always fun to dream.

Anyway, back at the starting line: Bang. We were off. I was farther back than I should have been, so I passed about 100 people in the first mile.

Mile 1: 6:27. Well, not as fast as I had hoped, but it was the first mile of battling through the crowds.

Mile 2: 6:03. Better, better...

Mile 3: 6:17. OK, so I’m not going to break 30 minutes, but I’m still gonna run my little butt off.

Mile 4: 6:09. Not bad. Just before mile 4, I started hurting. It was nice that the “mile 4 marker” was on a bit of a downhill, so I tried to use that momentum. My right side was tight and sore, which bummed me out because I’ve been SO GOOD at doing my core exercises lately. Anyway, I was hurting but moving good. I kept picking up the pace. I crossed the finish line at a nice (but painful) clip.

Mile 5: 5:30. Sweet.

Total: 30:28 (official time: 30:30)
Pace: 6:06/mile
Place: 121 out of 1033

Maybe the best “mini-victory” of the day was that no one passed me. Not a single runner. I was picking people off (faster at the beginning, and much slower near the end). But I was able to hold everyone off that I passed. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do that in the last half mile.

While I was in the large finishers chute area waiting for Pharmie, I ran into Josh, an old high school classmate. I hadn’t seen him since graduation, and I had heard that he was becoming a speedy runner (he was speedy in high school, but I heard he was getting faster and faster). He had placed 5th in 25:03. CRAZY!!

Josh and I parted ways, and I went to watch Pharmie finish. The announcer at the finish line was Gary, the president and founder of Charities Challenge who I had formally met at the “Race Up The Place” stair climb. We chatted as I waited for Pharmie. When I saw her, Gary handed me the microphone and told me to announce her finish. “Alright Sarah!! Way to go Sarah!!” She cracked a smile as she crossed the line.

Well, nothing more to do but to walk back home. It was SO WEIRD just walking to and from the event. We got home and I was hungry (what’s new). So I had 16 chicken nuggets...

...followed by 3 bowls of Wheaties.

Stay tuned for more news about how hairy I am. There’s a story I need to share with you all shortly about earlier this weekend... Thanks for reading!

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B-Fit B-Day Challenge Results

I made it another year! I was born under a bad omen (on Friday the 13th), but that hasn’t slowed me down yet. Today, to celebrate my birthday, I did the B-Fit B-Day Challenge. If you haven’t read my post from Tuesday where I give the details of the challenge, here’s what you need to know:

Take your age and:
1) Swim the number of miles in the first number,
2) Run the number of miles in the second number,
3) Bike the number of miles in the combined number.

And if you’re turning a “10” (like 20, 30, 40), then you have to run 10 miles, not 0. If you choose to accept the B-Fit B-Day Challenge you must....

Bronze: Do all three (swim/bike/run) during the week of your Birthday.
Silver: Do all three (swim/bike/run) in the three days before, after, or on your B-Day.
Gold: Do all three (swim/bike/run) in 24-hours to celebrate your B-Day!

I wanted to go for the gold, of course. So I planned to get up before 5 am and head to the pool. I’d get my swim done, and then go to the U of M to teach my photo class. After that, I’d come home and do a bike/run brick to finish the challenge.

Recently, there’s been a “traditional” photo to inaugurate the start of the Challenge. It’s a photo of the birthday boy or girl putting on his/her goggles at the pool. Here’s an example of Triboomer’s and little Jakey getting ready for their B-Fit B-Day Challenge:

I had a problem though. I got to the pool so damn early that no one else was there. And I wasn’t about to wait around. So I started. After I finished, there were a few people around, but they were all busy swimming laps, and I wasn’t going to drag someone out of the pool to take a photo of me. So I went up to the locker room, set up my camera in an empty locker, and made my version of the photo:

It’s not NEARLY as cool as Triboomer’s or Jakey’s, but it will have to do.

Swim: 2.0 miles (72 laps in a 50 yard pool)

I hadn’t swum that far since Ironman WI 6 months ago, but I knew it was still possible. I hit the pool EARLY, and started out. Shortly after starting, the pool filled up with old, overly-perfumed ladies on their noodles for their morning “workout.” I kept getting lung-fulls of White Diamonds and Aqua Net. Those ladies need to shower first (hair too!) like the rest of us!! Well, I got bored and depressed quickly. Seventy-two laps suck. I took a quick poop break after lap 40, and that was the little mental break I needed.

That distance drained me. The good news was that it was super fast for me! This was the first long distance swim since I’ve been meeting with Andrea to work on my breathing. I started well under 1 minute per lap (50 yards). I started to get slower. Near the end, I was afraid I could go over 72 minutes for the 72 laps. Instead of swimming HARDER, I finished by swimming BETTER (paying more attention to my form). And, wouldn’t cha know it, my last few lap times picked up! I finished in 71:51. Fastest swim of that distance ever!

T1: 6+ hours...

...so, yeah. T1 wasn’t fast. I got out of the pool, stretched a little, showered, and headed off to teach one of my classes. However, I DID get to stop for some sweet, sweet T1 fuel:

They should make a gel in this flavor! Yum-a-dum-dum!

After the delicious stop at Mickey-Ds, I drove to Minneapolis and got ready for class. I held class, and was headed back to St. Paul just after noon. I grabbed a few bowls of cereal and got all of my bike and run stuff together.

Bike: 27 miles (in my basement, on a trainer)

I got my bike ready with a couple of bottles of water. And I threw my large bottle of Hammer Gel in my rear bottle holder. I had 2 chugs of the gel throughout the ride:

I flipped on the TV in front of the trainer, and I was able to watch Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray. Cooking shows. Evil.

I started out on Big Rhonda, and kept slowly raising my speed throughout the ride. I was also able to enjoy Martha talk about Mexican food and cake, and Rachel talked with someone from Gray’s Anatomy, someone with cute animals, and then cooked with chicken. I should NOT have tuned into cooking shows. Torture. Anyway, here’s my bike computer before the ride, after the ride, and my bike time:

T2: 1:40

I wanted to have a nice brick workout today, so I had my run stuff all ready to go as soon as I hopped off the bike. Just after a minute, I was out the door. Thirty seconds later, I was off. A nice, speedy T2 time.

Run: 7 miles (out-and-back run, down Summit Ave)

I started my run with that great feeling of heavy, stiff legs from biking. I LOVE that feeling. And it was a great day! I was running again in shorts, because it was our first 50 degree day! I was puddle-hoppin’ and it was great. It was beautiful!

I don’t run with any fancy Garmin or equivalent, so you’ll just have to take my word that I ran 7 miles. Here was the route:

And here’s my final time:

And just for believability, here are my splits: (unless noted, all splits are half mile splits, taken at the major intersections along Summit Ave)

4:35 (nearly 3/4 of a mile)
3:33
3:24
3:15
3:24
3:18
1:45 (just over 1/4 of a mile)
(turn around)
1:47 (just over 1/4 of a mile)
3:17
3:34
3:20
3:14
3:18
4:29 (nearly 3/4 of a mile)

23:17 first 3.5 miles
23:05 last 3.5 miles

I got home and grabbed a picture of a tired, tired fella:

A fresh-faced 27-year-old

From jumping all those puddles, my legs got a little nasty:

Once I was done, I had a big glass of Recoverite (which is like crack to me), and a bunch of York Peppermint Patties. So it was a nice birthday with a great workout!

Final Numbers:
• Swim: 2 miles (72 laps in a 50 yard pool), 71:51. Average lap time: 59.87 seconds.
• Bike: 27 miles (on the trainer), 68:45. Average speed: 23.5 mph.
• Run: 7 miles (out-and-back along Summit Ave), 46:22
Pace: 6:38 / mile.
• Total Tri Time: 3:06:58

So I went for the gold and made it!

Thanks for reading everyone! Oh, and I think Pharmie and I are running the “Human Race 8K” run at the University of St. Thomas on Sunday. See you there?

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B-Fit B-Day Challenge Update

Swim: Done! Teach class at the U of M: Done!

I’m on my way home to finish the B-Fit B-Day Challenge. I’ll get everything set up for a quick bike and run before continuing, because I want to have a nice bike/run brick. I’ll be hitting the trainer in the basement for a while, and then I’ll be out running this out-and-back course mostly along Summit Ave in St. Paul:

So if you happen to find yourself along Summit Ave from around 3:00ish to 3:45ish today, look on the north side of the road. You might see me finishing the last leg of my B-fit B-Day Challenge! I should be wearing the same shorts and black shirt as in the previous post. (I won’t be able to stop to chat - I hope you understand. It’s nothing personal.)

I’ll post my final results tonight or tomorrow! Thanks!

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Marathon Training Has Started!

That’s right folks! Last week, Pharmie, her sister Steph, and myself officially started training for Grandmas Marathon. We are trying this program called “FIRST” which only has you run 3 days a week (which is great for triathletes). Each week, there’s a long run, a tempo run, and an interval day. The program emphasizes getting the most out of every workout: for example, our long runs for the week shouldn’t just be a run to “go the distance.” They should be relatively hard (at half-marathon pace). I think I’m going to like this program. It’s the way I normally like to run. And then on our days off, we’re supposed to cross-train relatively hard (lift, swim, bike, etc). Well, that’s what we’d normally be doing anyway, so I think it will be a good fit. I never thought I’d be so excited to start training for a marathon! We’ll see if this excitement lasts...

The weather is finally looking like it’s going to be kind to runners. On Saturday, I did a 10-miler (in 68 minutes!) in the morning when it was 1 degree with a 13 below windchill. I got done, and my hat and face were a little frosty:

Today, I did 4 x 1200 for my interval workout, and I wore SHORTS! It was 47 degrees! I actually had to wipe the sweat out of my eye during my fourth interval! And this was the first my legs have seen the light of day since the Tesfa 5K over 4 months ago! Warning: Pastie Leg Alert! Pastie Leg Alert! They’re sooo white!

OH THE HUMANITY!!

I other news, I have a birthday on Thursday. Puberty, here I come! I can’t wait for my first chest hair and to start noticing girls. Right now, girls are still icky. Just kidding. Anyway, I’ll be going for gold in the B-Fit B-Day Challenge. If you haven’t heard of it, you should sign up too! Here are the rules of the Challenge:

Take your age and:
1) Swim the number of miles in the first number,
2) Run the number of miles in the second number,
3) Bike the number of miles in the combined number.

If you choose to accept the B-Fit B-Day Challenge you must....

Bronze: Do all three (swim/bike/run) during the week of your Birthday.
Silver: Do all three (swim/bike/run) in the three days before, after, or on your B-Day.
Gold: Do all three (swim/bike/run) in 24-hours to celebrate your B-Day!

So, like I said, I’ll be going for the gold. I have to teach a class at the U of M from about 9 - noon, so I plan to get up early for my swim. Then I’ll go to Minneapolis to teach, come back home and bike, and then hit the run. The swim will nearly be Ironman distance, and the bike and run are just a little longer than an Olympic Tri. Check back Thursday night or Friday to see how I did! I’ll have photos to prove what I’ve done!

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PSA: How To Get Water Out Of Your Ears

Everyone knows that weird feeling and strange sound that comes with water being stuck in your ears after a swim. You can’t get it out with a towel. You can’t absorb it with a Q-Tip. You can’t drill a hole under your ear with your cordless Dewalt to let the water drain. So what’s a triathlete to do?

Lesson 1: Materials

The first thing you need is some rubbing alcohol, preferably 70% alcohol (that’s 140 proof if you brew your own). The next thing you need is a little dropper bottle. This isn’t completely necessary, but it makes things much easier. The third and last thing you need is something to wipe-up with: a towel, a tissue, or even some TP. That’s all.

Everything ready to go

Lesson 2: Drip, Drip, Drip...

First, fill the dropper bottle with alcohol. Then tip your head to the side so that your water-filled ear is pointing to the sky.

Then drop 5 to 6 drops of alcohol in your “plugged” ear.

It’s a weird sensation when your ear fills with alcohol. It doesn’t hurt a bit, but it usually makes me go like this:

...and it makes that vein pop out in the middle of my forehead...

Once you drip the alcohol in your ear, let it sit for 5 to 10 seconds. Enjoy it. This is “your time.”

Lesson 3: Water, Be Gone!

Tip your head so the water and alcohol filled ear can now drain. Use a towel, tissue, or TP to dab up the water and alcohol.

That’s it. You’re done. The alcohol mixes with the bit of water in your ear. When you tip your head to get it out, the majority of it comes out right away. The little bit that doesn’t come out is now highly concentrated alcohol, and it evaporates in seconds.

This has worked EVERY TIME for Pharmie and myself. I’ve probably done this about 40 or 50 times in the last few years. It’s not originally my idea. I heard it from Pharmie. And Pharmie was told this great idea by a former college roommate who was on the swim team. Works like a charm. Try it out for yourself (if it’s not currently the way you get water out of your ears).

Oh, and big thanks to Pharmie for modeling for me! Thanks Hun!

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Recipe for Crotch Rot

Ingredients:

• 1 Speedo Jammer
• 1 Heavy Bath Towel
• 1 Paper Grocery Bag
• 1 Mid-Sized Car

First, start by deciding that you could probably fit in a good swim between teaching jobs if you brought your swim stuff with you for the day.

Take Speedo and Towel, and place in Paper Bag (along with any other swimming paraphernalia you may need). Take the Paper Bag, and place that in your Mid-Sized Car.

Go to work. Between jobs, head to the Y for swim with your paper bag of swim-gear. Swim a good 36 laps (plus warm-up).

After swim, quickly change for your other job, and place wet Speedo inside of wet towel. Ball up everything and place in paper bag.

Here’s the important part: Let wet ball of cotton and lycra (towel and Speedo) remain in paper bag in the backseat of your car for 4 days.

After 4 days of “basting,” remember that you really need to go for a swim at the same time that you remember that your Speedo is still in your car.

Get wet Speedo out of wet towel out of mis-shapen (from moisture) paper bag. Proceed to put Speedo on, wondering if it’s really a good idea.

Go to the Y and go for a swim. After swim, throw on workout-wear over Speedo.

Lift weights for 30 minutes. Then sit down to stretch.

Stretch until crotch starts to itch. (Usually 6 to 9 minutes.) Proceed to the exit frantically in order to get home.

Arrive at home and get nasty, wet Speedo off of itchy, itchy junk. Don’t tell wife because she’ll never travel south-of-the-border again.

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Man, by the way I’ve been treating my manhood lately, I’m surprised that it hasn’t just given up on me and left in the middle of the night. A few months ago, I nearly froze him off during a run. Now, I nearly allowed bacteria to eat him off. Jeez. I don’t make a good man.

And incase your concerned (Mom), everything is just fine. A good scrub in the shower works wonders. Lesson learned.

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