Recipe for Crotch Rot

>> Monday, March 03, 2008

Ingredients:

• 1 Speedo Jammer
• 1 Heavy Bath Towel
• 1 Paper Grocery Bag
• 1 Mid-Sized Car

First, start by deciding that you could probably fit in a good swim between teaching jobs if you brought your swim stuff with you for the day.

Take Speedo and Towel, and place in Paper Bag (along with any other swimming paraphernalia you may need). Take the Paper Bag, and place that in your Mid-Sized Car.

Go to work. Between jobs, head to the Y for swim with your paper bag of swim-gear. Swim a good 36 laps (plus warm-up).

After swim, quickly change for your other job, and place wet Speedo inside of wet towel. Ball up everything and place in paper bag.

Here’s the important part: Let wet ball of cotton and lycra (towel and Speedo) remain in paper bag in the backseat of your car for 4 days.

After 4 days of “basting,” remember that you really need to go for a swim at the same time that you remember that your Speedo is still in your car.

Get wet Speedo out of wet towel out of mis-shapen (from moisture) paper bag. Proceed to put Speedo on, wondering if it’s really a good idea.

Go to the Y and go for a swim. After swim, throw on workout-wear over Speedo.

Lift weights for 30 minutes. Then sit down to stretch.

Stretch until crotch starts to itch. (Usually 6 to 9 minutes.) Proceed to the exit frantically in order to get home.

Arrive at home and get nasty, wet Speedo off of itchy, itchy junk. Don’t tell wife because she’ll never travel south-of-the-border again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Man, by the way I’ve been treating my manhood lately, I’m surprised that it hasn’t just given up on me and left in the middle of the night. A few months ago, I nearly froze him off during a run. Now, I nearly allowed bacteria to eat him off. Jeez. I don’t make a good man.

And incase your concerned (Mom), everything is just fine. A good scrub in the shower works wonders. Lesson learned.

47 comments:

Jamie 7:56 PM, March 03, 2008  

My GFs reaction to reading this says it all.
"Yikes. Don't ever do that."

Unknown 7:59 PM, March 03, 2008  

EW.
BTW.... no pictures means it didn't happen.

IronTriTim 7:59 PM, March 03, 2008  

Ooh slightly too much informaton, but that said, useful infomation.

GoBigGreen 8:37 PM, March 03, 2008  

Since you tagged me, not my brother who will remain nameless and never reads blogs...at least you didnt sleep in your speedo for like 7 days straight. Yes he was a young boy but his thought was it saved time getting to swim practice.
Since i share the same pool with you.."Dont you and pharmie sometimes WONDER about all that hair floating around???"

Tracy 8:42 PM, March 03, 2008  

PLEASE GOD don't post pictures. Holy cow I can't believe I read past the title. But it was like a car accident then, I just couldn't... not.

Rainmaker 9:05 PM, March 03, 2008  

I find a plastic bag helps to really seal in the flavors. A paper bag just gives up too much moisture.

Jessica 9:18 PM, March 03, 2008  

so... you and pharmie don't want kids, huh?

Anonymous,  9:21 PM, March 03, 2008  

OMG, this had me laughing (sorry Steve, that had to be awful for you) but then your little note to your mom at the end made me switch into "mom-mode." Both our boys went to the gym tonight to workout and swim/hottub. Now I'm worried...hopefully they took clean swimsuits and shorts!

IronMin 9:52 PM, March 03, 2008  

One would think that at this point, no post would surprise me. Yet, you raise the bar once again. Hilarious! And gross...all at the same time.

MissAllycat 11:15 PM, March 03, 2008  

Oh Dear.

As soon as I read the title of this post I knew it was going to be ugly!

m 6:21 AM, March 04, 2008  

Again.....you crack me up. "south of the border" I love it.

RunBubbaRun 6:35 AM, March 04, 2008  

They have shots and drugs for everything these days for people who do crzy things like you..

Thhe thing must have been frozen as well.. Ohh the germs after the thaw, at least it was yours..

Dana 8:24 AM, March 04, 2008  

That DEFINITELY sound like a good recipe for an irritated "nether region"..lol Glad to hear you're doing better.

jahowie 8:40 AM, March 04, 2008  

LOL!!! This was hilarious!!

Ryan 8:46 AM, March 04, 2008  

I don't know about you, but after a good "scrubbing in the shower," I need a smoke and a nap!

Oh, and about "scrubbing" it too much will cause blindness, don't worry, just set the font larger.

Lance Notstrong 9:16 AM, March 04, 2008  

You were right not to tell your wife!!!

Marcy 11:15 AM, March 04, 2008  

OMFG I am DYING of laughter!! This is so classic!

You might want to check for fungus after that. YIKES homie!

triguyjt 11:26 AM, March 04, 2008  

I assume that gave your mom ..peace of mind... I think.

Are you saying Pharmie will never go to Mexico again???

ha

CoachLiz 1:05 PM, March 04, 2008  

LMAO!!!

just wait for the nice red pimple spots to start showing up all over your junk and butt.

LA report is up.

Liz

Iron Krista, "The Dog Mom" 1:32 PM, March 04, 2008  

Your wife is a lucky gal!!!

Monkey Butt.. that's all i have to say about THIS post!

Gotta Run..... 2:12 PM, March 04, 2008  

Note to self: Must read your post at home for fear that when I burst into laughter at work everyone will know that I am srewing off.

You are so freaking funny!!! Your poor wife. Mr.Winkie will never be the same for all of this harsh treatment.

SM 3:49 PM, March 04, 2008  

Thanks for sharing.

Keith 5:22 PM, March 04, 2008  

Hmmm. A Freudian would make much of your various adventures. I drop in and visit every now and then just to find out what you've done to yourself.

Nat 6:20 PM, March 04, 2008  

Just when I think you can't gross me out anymore, you surpass all expectations.

Brian 6:57 PM, March 04, 2008  

That's just wrong in multiple ways. Times like that are good times to blow off the swimming.

Chad 7:58 PM, March 04, 2008  

How did the smell not knock you down when you opened the bag and put it on? Just one day is bad enough, but four is outrageous!!

Kellye Mills 8:38 PM, March 04, 2008  

I can always count on you for a good laugh!! Sorry it's usually at your personal detriment!!

J~Mom 10:47 PM, March 04, 2008  

HAHAHAHAHAHHA I mean oh dear. How is the itch now? LOL

Unknown 10:34 AM, March 05, 2008  

I would think that the cold temps helped keep the bacteria from getting has hellishly voracious as they would down here in the South. Still, NASTY. And gracious goodness, thank you for the lack of photos!

brendaj 10:52 AM, March 05, 2008  

Ugh, I don't know how you even put that on!!

Mike 6:44 PM, March 05, 2008  

Wow, what haven't you done to your junk? No...wait...don't answer that.

21stCenturyMom 8:49 PM, March 05, 2008  

You are too funny. The mental image of your manhood stalking off angry in the night... oh never mind. Let's just say I laughed - out loud.

Also this is why I have NO interest in doing a Tri that starts in the pool. No thanks. I'll stick to open water swimming before I mash my lady parts onto a bicycle seat for an hour or 3

Collin Kromke 12:00 AM, March 06, 2008  

I come here because you make me laugh.

I should stop coming here if I want to stop pissing myself!

Kim 9:56 AM, March 07, 2008  

poor poor pharmie!!!!

Anne 3:39 PM, March 07, 2008  

If I were your wife, I'd yell: "What were you thinking?!" But, alas, we know just what went through your head, don't we. A good lesson in such a lighthearted approach, for guys anyway. Girls know better.

Bill Carter 4:27 PM, March 07, 2008  

Hi Steve

Yes, like everybody else who read this one I was cracking up. This kind of thing is another reason why I stick to running and absolutely no biking or swimming. I have filed this blog under "No Triathalons or Training to do a Traithalon Ever".

Thanks for the heads up Steve!

Kate 9:25 AM, March 08, 2008  

As Mr KT would say... "Well, what did you think was going to happen?"

Dude, take care of your little guy, if not for you then for Pharmie.

Tri+Umph 10:28 AM, March 08, 2008  

This post reminded me I really needed to wash my jammer.

The wombat thanks you for taking one for the team!

Soapin' Cindy 4:38 AM, March 10, 2008  

I think you infested your privates with mold spores. LOL!

The Lazy Triathlete 8:55 AM, March 11, 2008  

Chalk this up as a lesson learned. 14 days in the summer out in the field at Fort Bragg and you get an even bigger problem. LOL

Lily on the Road 3:47 PM, March 11, 2008  

Yikes, I can feel the fungi growing as I type....ROFLMAO....glad you got all that sorted out!

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