How To Make Your Nipples Bleed During A 5K

>> Saturday, October 27, 2007

Or, “In Search Of A 21 Minute 5K.”

Or, “What Happens When I Dress Myself.”

OK, so it wasn’t planning on doing this race, but I ran the Monster Dash 5K this morning around Lake Harriet in Minneapolis. Last night, Steph reminded me that her and Jon were doing the Half Marathon, and she taunted me with this: (say this to yourself in a girlie, taunting voice:) “Steve, there’s a 5K tomorrow, too!....” A few minutes later, I knew I was going to do it.

There were just a few problems. Problem #1: I just finished a HUGE order of Thai food from the local hole-in-the-wall Thai place (“Taste of Thailand” on Selby near Snelling). And then I helped Pharmie polish off her plate. That lump o’ delicious food was probably not the best thing to have 12 hours before a race. Problem #2: I lifted weights included a bunch of leg presses and other leg exercises that afternoon. My legs were a little sore. Great, lets hammer out a 5K tomorrow. Super timing. Problem #3: It was the “Monster Dash” and I needed a great costume idea QUICK!

Well, I threw together a “costume” and was ready for the big day.

It was a cool, calm, 40 degree fall morning. I parked on one side of Lake Harriet and walked towards the band shell.

I officially registered, and then ran into Pharmie’s aunt, who was going to be running the half. I looked around for Steph and Jon, and finally ran into them about 10 minutes before the start. The 3 of us ran into the woods together for one last quick potty stop. Then I saw them off at the start:

I had 30 minutes until the start of the 5K, so I ran back to my car to get changed into my “costume.” I guess there’s not much more to say other than “here it is:”

Notice the way the cool sun dances off my cold, erect nipple

Yep, that’s me with Chewie. I’m wearing tube socks, a pair of tighty-whities, and suspenders. I had to make a deal with Pharmie to wear a Speedo under the undies (as to avoid any awkward wardrobe malfunctions – after all, this was a family event).

“What am I?” you ask? I have no flippin’ clue. It was just the stuff I could find sitting around the house that I thought would make a funny costume. And boy, it got the laughs. It was only around 40-45 degrees during the race, and I can easily say that I was the most naked one out there. It was so great making so many people smile!

At the start of the race, I was hoping I could run around a 21 minute 5K. That was the loose goal I had set for myself. My last big race was THE big race (Ironman WI), and my body was trained to go long and slow. Since Ironman 7 weeks ago, I’ve run exactly 6 times. So, I figured I could easily bang out a fast 5K, right? OK, so I’m totally joking. I don’t know what made me think I could run fast, but I wanted to run this hard. It’s been a long time since I’ve ran JUST a 5K, and not part of a duathlon or triathlon.

As I crossed the starting line, I was running past people, trying to work my way to the front. Everyone I passed would start laughing at my costume. Some would hoot and holler, and I’d wave. I made one lady laugh so hard she nearly tripped on the curb. At mile 1, my watch said 6:34. Sweet. I was on track. AND I was feeling great. So I picked it up a little. I kept trying to push harder and harder, but I still felt comfortable. And people were still laughing. I had to hold the suspenders away from my body, or I would have rubbed my nipples right off (hence the title of this post). FYI, don’t worry, my nipples are fine. They didn’t bleed. But they would have had I not held the suspenders off of my chest.

I didn’t see mile marker number 2, so I just had to keep working hard and hope that I was on pace. Only 1 person passed me, and I passed all kinds of people. Nearing the finish line, I was smiling hard because everyone along the course was laughing. I hit the finish mat, and stopped my watch. 19:28.

Wait...19:28!?!?!?! That’s 6:16 / mile!

Yep. Sub-20 5K. Sweet. And I felt like I had plenty left. AND people were loving my costume. GREAT DAY!!

Oh, on the race course, I was coming up on the Ambiguously Gay Duo (from SNL). As I passed them, I said “Nice job, Ace and Gary!” They said “Thanks...Hey, great outfit...*laughter*” I turned around, shouted over my shoulder, and held up my camera (that I carried the whole time): “If I see you 2 at the finish, I’d love a photo!” They were game. So, just after finishing, I snapped a photo with the Ambiguously Gay Duo:

Steph saw this photo and said, “They may be the gay couple,
but YOU look like the gayest one in that photo!”
Thanks Steph. I think it’s the suspenders.

I ran back toward my car, but I was just planning on getting a t-shirt if I started to get too chilly. My car was near mile 8.5 to mile 9 on the half-marathon course, so I cheered for runners the whole way. I got near my car, and realized I was still plenty warm from the run, so I didn’t put on any more clothes. I just cheered. All the runners smiled. Some had positive feedback: “That’s JUST what I needed!” “Lookin good underwear guy!” “Thanks for making me smile with 4 miles left!” Others teased me: they would put their hands over their eyes and say “I did NOT need to see that right now!” Of course they were smiling the whole time! Parents would point me out so their kids could see me. I high-fived big groups of kids that were still finishing up the 5K (they had a special 5K that was called “The Fastest Trick-Or-Treater” where kids would run and get candy at 3 different points throughout the run). The kids love me. It was like cheering at the Twin Cities Marathon a few weeks ago, but this time I actually started the day with a race.

It wasn’t too long before I saw Lisa, Pharmie’s aunt:

About 15 minutes later, Steph and Jon ran by:

I stayed at that spot and cheered for another half hour or so, and then took off for the finish line. Before leaving my car, I grabbed a shirt. I ran into Cadesdad (blogger), and saw him finish with a time around 1:50 or so:

I talked with Cadesdad and his wife for a few minutes as we were all looking for friends to come across the line. It was nice talking with you, Cadesdad and Cadesmom! Soon, I saw Lisa finish strong. And just a few minutes later, Jon ran by. He was finishing his FIRST half-marathon!

I asked him how Steph was – I was concerned that she was doing horribly and just told him to go on without her. Jon said that HE was feeling great, so he pulled away around mile 10, and Steph was doing fine. Just about 1 minute later, Steph was crossing the line:

Jon and Steph finished just a few minutes over 2 hours, and they were hoping to finish in about 2:10. So the day was a success for everyone I knew! As we were getting ready to leave, Steph said “Steve, you need a photo of yourself!” So she snapped this gem for me:

After the finish, this group of 30-something women walked up to me when I was talking with Steph and Jon. One of them looked at my left hand: “You ARE married! We didn’t think you were. We figured any women wouldn’t let her husband out of the house looking like that!” I was laughing. Another one asked, “But she’s not here to be seen with you, right?” “Yep, she had to work,” I said. Good times.

So, I think I have a new “lucky item” on race days for this upcoming year. No, not the tube socks. No, not the suspenders. Yep, you guessed it. I’m not washing these lucky tighty-whities until at least the end of next season:

This past year, my lucky item was my beaver socks. The toes are going out on those socks, so it may be time to retire them (IM was the last action they saw). So the undies will be “in” for the 2008 season. They’ll be with me, in some form or another, at every race next year. Whether Pharmie likes it or not. It should lead to some interesting races...


Dan Seifring aka "OBRATS" 9:02 PM, October 27, 2007  

Very nice Steve, as usual you had a great time.

MissAllycat 2:50 AM, October 28, 2007  

I was running the half marathon and saw you at the 9-mile mark - and made a comment about your costume. Loved it - it was exactly what I needed. Thanks for cheering us on!

And way to rock your 5k!! Awesome time!

Jumper 2.0 3:42 AM, October 28, 2007  

I am not sure what is more amazing.

Your outfits on the last couple of events that you have been to or my ability to not see you despite what you are wearing.

That is a wicked awesome 5K pace. Congrats!

Spokane Al 9:09 AM, October 28, 2007  

With all that skin, I thought you were referring to yourself as the tidy whitey.

Good job making the people smile.

Laurie 10:03 AM, October 28, 2007  

Oh Steve, you outdid yourself again.

Congrats on the sub-20 5K! That is awesome. Surprisingly, none of your aforementioned problems caused you any trouble. I think you are right to give the credit to the undies.

It feels awesome making people smile during races! Sounds like you are hooked.

Bigun 10:48 AM, October 28, 2007  

you're gonna need a bigger bento box.

RunBubbaRun 10:56 AM, October 28, 2007  

Inpressive 5k especially in that outfit. I thought all the chest hair would slow you down thou..

Glad pharmie made you wear a speedo to cover everything else.

Anonymous,  12:13 PM, October 28, 2007  

Congrats on the great 5K time!

It's been a long time since I've run a 5K, too, and I wonder if my body remembers how to run fast anymore.

The pictures are great, and it looks like you had lots of fun!

Michelle 1:20 PM, October 28, 2007  

That is too funny! The first thing that popped into my mind was the male version of Heidi from the Swiss Alps. Awesome, smokin' fast race, despite the nipple issues. Great job.

teekayes1 1:50 PM, October 28, 2007  

And again I'm speechless...well done sir!

Marcy 3:32 PM, October 28, 2007  

Oh . . my . . God ROFLMAO!!! Sweet!

CONGRATS homie!!!

SingletrackJenny (formerly known as IronJenny) 7:09 PM, October 28, 2007  

No WAY!!! My kids were asking me if I saw the "underwear guy" and I didn't. Get home, check your blog and it was YOU! Bwahahahahah!!!
And 19:28? Omigosh. I think it had to be the outfit. It's lucky. You should wear it for all your races too...
Hi to Pharmie!!

Unknown 10:35 PM, October 28, 2007  

once again you crack me up!!!

yeah, sounds like lucky undies. I just hope you don't wear them on your head next time...

Allez 9:32 AM, October 29, 2007  

Tightie whities, beaver socks, cock costume. Hmmm, what is the underlying theme here??? :-)

LittleRachet 12:06 PM, October 29, 2007  

Who knew tighty-whities would be so aerodynamic?!?! Good job on that 5K pace!!!

Tri-Dummy 8:15 PM, October 29, 2007  

You shoulda put the tube socks in the front on your junk, sweet pea.

Ace and Gary looked like the wanted a hunk of the kid, if you know what I mean. Wink. Wink.

On a serious crushed that race. Awesome job.

Unknown 8:44 PM, October 29, 2007  

You were half nekked.... running fast was self-preservation in the cold!
I missed the beaver socks, there must be a good story behind that one.
Smoking fast race, Steve. Well Done!

Kate 4:18 AM, October 30, 2007  

That's a fantastic time!!!

And a fantastic outfit... You make my man's silly outfits look respectable by comparison.

Kim 12:01 PM, October 30, 2007  


steve, you are one of a kind. pharmie is a...a...lucky? woman?! :)

what a fantastic 5k!! cant believe how fast you ran wearing that getup. maybe i should try that outfit for my next race?

Lance Notstrong 2:24 PM, October 30, 2007  

Everytime I come to your blog, I am NEVER disappointed :-)

Anonymous,  10:18 PM, October 30, 2007  

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I wish I was out of school TOO ;-)

BTW, LOVE the costume! Haha

Wes 10:26 PM, October 30, 2007  

ROFL... I thought you were SpongeBob Squarepants! I thought you looked bad in a speedo ;-) I was definitely impressed with the rock hard nipples!!! Nice job on the 5K Sponge Bob! You kicked ass and went way beyond the call of duty for race participation!!!!

Anonymous,  10:29 PM, October 30, 2007  

And btw, I feel honored that a hardcore athlete such as yourself graced the pages of my sad little college girl blog. ;-)

brendaj 12:31 AM, October 31, 2007  

You might be forever known now as the underwear guy!!

bigmike600 9:12 PM, November 01, 2007  

Steve...You are one of the funniest people I have ever come across. I think I just sucked cherry Kool Aid deep into my lung and it spewed out my nose. I'm dying here. AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. And that time is freakin outstanding.
BTW...FTL stands for Fruit of the Loom..of course you can probably figure out why I know that and how did you get my underwear?

Post a Comment

Thanks for your comments! Have a great day!


Follow steveinaspeedo on Twitter

Facebook Fan Page

All content and original images copyright 2006 - 2024 by Steve Stenzel, AKA "Steve in a Speedo." All Rights Reserved.
Want to use something seen here? Just ask - I don't bite.