I Didn’t Want To Get Gangrene On My Penis

Let me explain that title. First of all, you should know that I didn’t start the Osceola Duathlon this morning. It was my first DNS (or DNF).

Last night, I had my traditional pre-race, grease-saturated meal:

This was all gone in 20 minutes

OK, back to explaining that title. I woke up this morning just after 3 am to Pharmie crying. She had just had a bad dream. Apparently, in her dream, she just found out that I was seeing 30 prostitutes per day (on average). She said it was one of those very vivid dreams where you really believe what’s going on. She was afraid that I was just riddled with STDs. Pharmie found out that “dream-land Steve” was cheating because I asked her if it looked like I had gangrene on my penis. Apparently, one of the street-walkers that had worked her magic on me had gangrene on her hand. So I was afraid that the gangrene had transferred to my penis. I don’t even know if that’s possible, but it’s an entertaining thought. Anyway, “real-world Steve” has never cheated on her, so she settled down and we both fell back asleep.

I got up at 4:45, got dressed in my clothes that I had laid out last night, and went downstairs for breakfast. I had everything else set out and ready to go:

But then I stepped outside. It was still dark, so I hadn’t seen that it was raining. Gross. And it was 45 degrees and breezy. Double-gross. I didn’t want to step out the door. So I didn’t. I went back upstairs and crawled back in bed with Pharmie. She was warm and delicious.

I figured I didn’t need to go out and prove anything. I had finished Ironman 5 weeks earlier, and I didn’t have anything riding on this race. Both knees are still a little weak, but I could have definitely gone the distance in this duathlon. I could have titled this post “Ironman Has Made Me Wussy” because since Ironman, I feel like I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Is anyone else feeling that way? Ironman has made me soft. Thirty-mile bike ride? No thanks - I just did Ironman. Lemme milk it a few days longer. Total softie.

Plus, Pharmie’s dream may have been a sign to stay out of the rain. I didn’t need to risk getting gangrene on my penis.