Why You Should NOT Fart In Your Wetsuit

Tonight, I’m doing something very embarrassing. Tonight, I’m...

...well, I’ll wait to admit it until I have photos. I’ll just say that it involves a (mediocre, at best) Fox TV show. No, not one that’s on TV tonight. It's one that ended a few months back. Hopefully there will be photos tomorrow...

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Friday Funny 6: Loving Husbands

Pharmie has been commenting how great I’ve been lately. I don’t really know what that means, but I guess I’m doing something right in the “husband” role. Here are some husbands that could maybe use a little lesson from me:

My favorite is the guy in the tent with his mountain bike. If the bike gets wet, it will rust! If his wife gets wet, she’ll just be wet. I see his reasoning.

Just yesterday, I came across this great set of Fairy Tales on Sarah’s Triathlon Adventure (she had just received them in an e-mail). They fit with the theme of today’s post PERFECTLY! So here are the “Worlds Two Shortest Fairy Tales:”

A FAIRY TALE (for women):

Once upon a time, a guy (a Prince) asked a girl (a Princess), "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No," and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End.


A FAIRY TALE (for men):

One day, long, long ago... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago... and it was just that one day.

The End.

Don’t be mad at me if you don’t like the stories. Blame Sarah. Just kidding. I don’t know what to think about the part regarding being “farted on.” I’m pretty sure I’ve been farted on more times than I’ve farted on someone else. Happy weekend!

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More 5K Fun, Shoulder Injury, and Mountain Biking

A few more photos came out from the Charities Challenge “Challenging Aging 5K” this past weekend. Here’s everyone taking off at the start. I’m off on the left wearing the...well...just look for the pasty legs:

Here’s Tom (who came in second and who I first met earlier this summer), Danielle (first place female), and I chatting after the finish:

Congrats to the both of you!
Hope to see you at more races soon!

And here’s a random group at the finish - there are a few top finishers, a volunteer, Coach Jeanne (in the middle), the oldest racer, and the oldest racer’s son who did the whole race with his mom:

Here’s the top of the finishers list. I placed first out of 44 runners. I thought there were more, but I guess I’m a bad guess-timater:

On a different note, I’ve been having problems with my right shoulder over the past 4 weeks. It’s sore and achy deep inside the socket. And I think it was spurred by my weird collar bone. My right collar bone sticks out WAY too much (I’ll show you in a photo shortly...). So I made an appointment for yesterday with my ART chiropractor, Dr. Folske. I was hoping he could just crack my collar bone back into place by jumping on my chest. No such luck. Right away, Dr. Folske looked at me and said, “Oh yeah, that REALLY does stick out...” He tried a few things out, but I kinda stumped him. He thinks my Omohyoid muscle is a little tight or inflamed. It’s an L-shaped muscle that is attached somewhere to the collar bone. Here you can see it as #3 and #4:

Dr. Folske did a little ART on that muscle (which got a little tender), worked my shoulder a bit, and adjusted a few vertebrae. The good Doc did all that he could, and he basically gave me the OK to workout and swim, and told me that I wouldn’t be hurting anything.

Finally, after the ART appointment with Dr. Folske, since I was in the neighborhood, I drove just a few miles and hopped on one of the best mountain bike trails in the Cities: the Theo Wirth trail. Here I am after getting unloaded and ready to go:

Yes, that’s still my IM number on my helmet.
Yes, from IM WI 13 months ago.

To get to the main trail, I had to follow this tight little path really close to this little river (notice the stump I had to jump without getting wet about 40 feet ahead):

I headed through a park, under a highway, and out to the main trail on some paved trails:

That finally got me to the start of the trail. On the map below, you can see the start (at the lower right). That short trail straight north got me to the main loop (which is about 3 miles per loop), which I ended up doing 3 times.

FINALLY, I hit the main loop. On my first loop, I stopped to take a bunch of photos. Here’s an early part of the trail:

Single-track among the pine needles (and that’s NOT my ween-dog in the foreground, so no teasing):

The parts of this trail that always get to me are the rocky climbs and descents. My balance is all off and I always slip. Here’s a nice rocky section about 1/3 of the way through the loop:

More sweet single-track:

After riding out there for 1 hour and 27 minutes, I had gotten in a good workout. The sign of a good workout: boob sweat.

I did the first loop in 22:13 while stopping to make a lot of photos. I rode the next loop hard, and pulled in a respectable 17:23. During the third loop, I nearly fell a BUNCH of times proving that I was getting pretty fatigued. I came out of every technical section during the third loop thinking, “I did that better during my last loop.” But I still did OK and finished my last loop in 17:58.

I hope to do more mountain biking in the near future. I had a GREAT time! More trails shortly! So yesterday, I taught 2 intense classes, had a quick ART appointment, and ended the day with a cool, autumn mountain bike ride. WHAT’S BETTER THAN THAT?!?

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Five K Fotos

So here are some photos that Gary (president and founder of Charities Challenge) took at the race on Sunday. I thought I’d share.

Here I am half way into the race (starting my second loop), just as my side stitch was starting to rear its ugly head:

(stride looks good, hair looks horrible)

Here I am coming around the second time, hitting the finish line. Gary was motioning for me to wave. So I tried. The photo just makes me look like an awkward duck of some sort:

(stride and hair both look horrible)

Jeanne and I (with Gary on the far right) after being awarded my loaf of bread for winning:

I was asked to say a few words, so I thanked Jeanne and Gary for putting on another fun event:

So if you check my race report below, you’ll see that I didn’t do as well as I had hoped. Maybe I would have done better if I had worn my horsey undies:

Seriously, I NEED a pair of these!

Or maybe I should have been using my Wonder Sauna Hot Pants more regularly:

But quite possibly the best excuse for doing so poorly was my encounter with this squirrel at mile 2:

He made me his lady. That’s why my third mile was so slow. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

Oh, and finally, here’s a good Columbus Day card (which was yesterday, and I only realized that after I got home from work and there was no mail in our mailbox):

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Challenge Aging 5K Report

Last night, Pharmie and I headed south to celebrate my Grandpa’s birthday along with 120 of his closest friends. We had to snap a photo of us with Grandpa before we took off:

Grandpa, I can’t believe you’re 80!! Happy Birthday!!

This morning, I got up and headed to another Charities Challenge race: the “Challenge Aging 5K” where we all celebrated everyone’s age. It was a pretty nice morning for a run, and I was hoping to PR. I got there, got registered, and took in the sights. Here’s Como Lake, which we were about to run 2 laps around:

Here’s the waterfall in Como Park:

Here’s the big fountain we all drove around to get into the parking lot:

And here was the starting line for the race:

I warmed up with just a short 1/4 to 1/2 mile jog, and about 1 block into it, my right side tightened up pretty bad. “Super,” I thought. I had a bad side-stitch, and the race wasn’t starting for 20 minutes.

Soon, I stripped down to the Bowl Full of Sunshine, and I was ready to race. Tom and I toed the line next to each other, Gary shouted “GO!” and we were all off. I was following the lead biker, which was nice because he would ring his little bell to warn people that a race was about to be coming past them.

Mile 1: 5:34. The first mile went OK, but I thought I had run it harder than that. I needed to hold that pace for a PR. About half way through the race, that stupid side stitch was back. And I was feeling it. It was already rough going for me.

We finished the first lap, and there were a number of people cheering at the finish line area. I waved at Gary, Coach Jeanne, and the other cheerers/volunteers. As I was running through, Gary hopped on the PA system, and was telling everyone about me: “Steve Stenzel just cheered last weekend at the Marathon in a chicken costume. And you’ll see him at other Charities Challenge events with his BVDs on the outside of his outfit!...” I think he said a few more things, but I had hit the other side of the pavilion, and I was off to tackle the second loop around the lake.

Mile 2: 5:59. Yep, I thought so. I knew I had slowed. My side was killing me. Bye-bye PR. Hello side pain. Dang. I tried picking up the pace during that last mile, but I was in pain. I did all I could to keep that pace. But I just kept losing ground. The “mile 3” marker was a welcome sight.

Mile 3: 6:18. Much slower than I wanted. Much. Slower. I was in pain. My right side was killing me. I rounded the last corner, and was happy to book it to the finish. I wasn’t going to PR, but my time was still respectable.

Last 0.1: 0:39. I waved at Gary (who was taking a picture of me) while I crossed the line. It had been a rough run. I was glad to be done.

Total: 18:29
1st out of around 70 (maybe?)
3rd personal fastest 5K

Within a minute after finishing, Tom (who started right next to me) came running through as the second place finisher. Nice job Tom! Then I went to go get a hot cocoa:

I went back to the finisher chute area to cheer for the other runners. I grabbed a photo with Gary and Jeanne (the 2 that put on these great Charities Challenge events):

I have my post-race sweaty boobs

About 30 minutes later, they had a “Kids 1/2 Mile Run.” Gary asked if any adults wanted to run with them. He looked my way and told me I could take photos along the way. Here are 4 kids just as Gary shouted “GO”:

And a few minutes later, 3 of them came blazing back towards the finish:

Nice run, kids!

Then there were awards. Gary said “All the winners are going home as bread-winners!” No, he didn’t mean a big cash prize. He actually meant bread:

And it was GOOD bread. I said goodbye to Gary and Jeanne, and I headed home.

As soon as I got home, I got to work making breakfast. Pharmie’s brother, Mike (AKA the Pig who cheered at the marathon last week), was coming over. It’s his birthday today. So we had 7 people over for a quick birthday brunch. Steph made scones. Matt (AKA the Cow) bought rolls. I made some sausages and controlled the “build you own omelets.” It was delicious. I fed all the others, and then got my chance to stuff my face. Here was my plate:

(Notice the Care Bear glass full of OJ)

Well, right now my side STILL hurts a little. I haven’t been lifting or doing sit-ups in the last few weeks because I’ve hurt my shoulder (more on that shortly). I think that lack of sit-ups really put me in a hole for this race: my core wasn’t used to working that hard in the last few weeks, and I’ve been missing ab workouts. Well, still a decent time at a quick little Sunday morning race.

I’ll have more photos shortly. Gary snapped a bunch, and he’ll probably have them up in a few days. Check back for more! Thanks for reading!

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I’m Caught Up With December 2007

Or was it February 2008? Or later? I don’t remember. Anyway, I JUST upgraded my blog from the “template” style to the “layout” style. Jeez, I’m slow. Now you can (more easily) subscribe to my posts if you’d like.

I also added the “Bowl Full of Sunshine” to the header. What do you think? I like how "Gross" goes right over my boy-parts. That image won’t stay up forever - I’ll mix that up now and then. (Editors Note: I had to take down the Bowl Full of Sunshine in the header. It was too much. Even for me. But I'll put some other photos up there shortly.)

24 hours from now, I’ll have one more 5K under my belt, along with (MAYBE) a new PR. We’ll see what I can chug out. Have a good weekend!

Oh, and for stopping by on a Saturday, here’s a special present. This is a bike ad I found on Craigs List. Just a warning: the following has some foul language. It’s not too nasty, but it’s pretty off-color. (It’s also pretty funny at times.) You have been warned.

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Manly Bike For Sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Philippines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm-wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no pansy prices)

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html

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Friday Funny 5

What we wish Microsoft’s “Office Assistant” would ACTUALLY say:

Five letters from God:

BTW, today is "National Angel Food Cake Day." Really. I can't make this stuff up. Go out and buy yourself a nice dessert.

p.s. Borsch and I flipped a coin to see who got what trophy (see last post). He got the "touchdown-signaling angel," and I got the "duathlon" one. Borsch is happy because he likes his trophy's boobs. Thought you might want to know. Happy weekend!

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