How to Get Over the Olympics

>> Monday, August 22, 2016

I first posted this nearly exactly 8 years ago, after the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Some of it was specific to Beijing, but some of it still applies to today:

That’s it? They just stop?!? We’re all addicted! There was no weaning period! Last night, do you know what I saw at 10 pm on NBC? I saw the local news!! What the hell?!? Where are the swimmers? The volleyball players? The gymnasts? The heartwarming stories of overcoming a TV friendly life-obstacle?

Here are 10 ways to hold on to the glory of the Olympic games for a few more weeks:

(If you have any ideas to add, please leave a comment, and I will update this post with my favorite ideas).

1. Hearing their names: Every hour, say the names “Phelps, Nastia, and May-Treanor” to yourself. You can’t just stop hearing their names. It’s not like weed or internet porn which you can stop at anytime.

2. Age controversy: Hire a 12 year old girl to mow your lawn. Spend way too much energy (unsuccessfully) trying to convince your neighbors that she’s 16.

Oh man. I nearly forgot about that gymnast. After this Olympics, the controversy could be the intersex athlete from South African running as a female. But I'm not sure how to work that way into my every day life.

3. Baby-faced Costas: Place a life-sized cutout of Bob Costas behind your kitchen counter. This way, every time you walk to the kitchen, it will look like he’s reporting on the day’s events.

4. For the sake of the country: Ship your 4-year old off to a government run training camp for gymnastics. You might miss them for a week, but HTFU. At least it will take your mind off the fact that the Olympics are over. Don’t worry, you’ll see them again at the 2020 Olympics. They better do better than Silver, damn it.

5. Who’s better looking? Who’s the better singer? Next time you go to a birthday party, hire a singer (who’s less attractive than you) to stand behind you to sing “Happy Birthday” as you lip-sync.

Oh jeez - I forgot about that too! Remember the singer during the opening ceremony who was lip-syncing because the "real" singer wasn't attractive enough to be on TV? It's kinda like how Ryan Lochte isn't smart enough to be on this planet.

6. Glue a feral cat to your body. This one has nothing to do with the Olympics, but I bet it’d take your mind off the fact that they are over.

7. Ceremonial: Erect a huge tent in your yard, and hire 1000 men to dance around in footy pajamas that light up. Do this while you neighbors down the street go hungry. (Sorry, just a little bitterness here.)

8. Happy thoughts: Every time you get an erection while you’re thinking about that amazing 100 meters that Jason Lezak swam in 46 seconds to anchor the 4x100, punch yourself in the junk. Have I taken this one too far? I really don’t think so.

9. Shopping at Home Depot: According to their commercials, it looks like Home Depot employs every US Olympic athlete. So, the next time you need a box of finishing nails, go in to Home Depot and DEMAND to be helped by an Olympic medalist. If they claim that they don’t have any Olympians working there, storm out and go to Menards.

10. Training like the athletes: In the name of training like Michael Phelps, start consuming 8,000 to 10,000 calories per day. But don’t do any of that swimming stuff that Phelps does - that looks like a lot of work.

Man, I hope this works. I gotta get over these games. I’ve got to go purchase #3. And I look forward to #10. Do you have any ways that you’re hanging on to the Olympics? Let me know your thoughts, and I’ll update this post with my favorite submissions.

Reader Updates:

Dave said, "Hold a competition for an event you know no one else will show up for, like handball or rhythmic gymnastics. Invite local media to awards ceremony." I like it! It's like the Doughnut Run 5K race that I won earlier this year. That SHOULD be an Olympic sport: it takes a balance of speed and intestinal fortitude to run a race while eating 15 Krispy Kreme doughnuts!

Danielle in Iowa said, "At my race on Saturday, I made sure to slap hot people on the ass as they passed me - if it is good enough for beach volleyball it's good enough for running!" Great idea!!

Vanilla said, "Low-ride your pants so that you look like Phelps in his Speedo LZR racer suit. This is appropriate in any situation, I'm currently wearing my wool suit around the office in that manner." I really, really hope that's true about your suit!

Greyhound had 2 good ones. First, he suggested, "Doing a training ride with 40 to 50 heavy smokers in front of you to simulate a 'blue sky day'." And then he offered this one, which I think I'm going to do: "Put a Nike Swoosh on all your spouse's bras and panties so you can pretend she is Misty May." Greyhound, you even got the right volleyball player! (I like a solid woman!)

Kaeti mentioned an obvious one that I missed: "Uh, duh — hire Bela Karolyi to yell 'Go Girlfriend!' and follow you around muttering unintelligibly all day."

TriGuyJT told me to "install an outdoor shower on your lawn and set up a camera, then shower just like the divers do....for no apparent reason..."

Happy Olympic Hangover!

p.s. I'll have some "Olympic Funnies" this week as a "Friday Funny," so make sure to stop back for that.


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