'Kitten' Mile 2014!

>> Monday, November 03, 2014

This past weekend, I tweeted this:

Here's what I've said in the past about this event:

What I'm talking about is a "Kitten Mile."

Here's how it works:
- Someone shouts "GO."
- You chug some cat nip.
- Then run 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run another 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run another 1/4 mile.
- Chug more cat nip.
- Run a final 1/4 mile.

That's a total of 48 ounces of nip and a mile of running. All of the cat nip chugging has to take place in a "transition zone" - you can't start running until after you're done chugging. If you throw up your cat nip before you finish, you have to do an extra penalty lap. If you have too much cat nip left from your 4 containers (usually something like 1 oz can be left when all of your extra is added up), you have to do a penalty lap.

Let's spell this out for everyone right now: "cat nip" and "kitten" are referring to something else. You probably can figure this out. But I cannot reveal any identities or say what was ACTUALLY going on because there are people who did this race who are powerful congressmen, mayors, and other public high-power figures. We need to protect everyone's identity and reputation.

This race offered a new "relay" wave this year. They went out before the "competitive" wave:

Finishing the first lap. "R" is for "relay." And for "really too excited about this."

Things are getting a little more difficult now...

SIDENOTE: When I first got to the race, someone (who I only see yearly at this event) started laughing and came over right away. She told me that she appreciated that I protected the identity of her nipple in last year's post:

Last year, I captioned this "Not only did I have to hide her identity, but also
the identity of her left nipple."

So THIS year, she told me she placed her number in a location that would prevent a mishap like last year. So here she is running away from transition in this year's race with her "better" number placement:

Let's go R6!!

Then it was time for our wave. I was "well dressed," but not as well dressed as this race buddy of mine:

He's more of a man than I. No really. I mean, look. He's MORE of a MAN.

Oh, and yes, that's the same inappropriate outfit with a children's top that I wore to Matt and Angela's wedding reception a week ago. It's more than skin-tight, and it has Elmo dressed as a cowboy saying "tickle fight" on it. Pervy. (Oh, and the dude racing in JUST the Speedo is extra impressive once you realize it was around 40 degrees that night!)

I learned the "Italian Stallion" wasn't Italian. This race is full of deceit.

Getting ready to go. I also had to protect the identity of the Speedo.

Who's the douche checking his split while chugging?!? Oh wait...

Oh God. Look at #6's face. And this is her first catnip of the race.
(The rest of the race didn't go well for her.)

I was one of the LAST out of transition, but I passed about a dozen runners to quickly move into 3rd. I'm not a good chugger. I let out 3 long, loud burps in the first 25 meters of the run right as I was catching up to a group to pass. One of them cheered for my gas. Thanks man!

Finishing my first lap in 3rd overall.

The guy next to me and the guy in the white tank across from me were 1st and 2nd.

Canada's having a rough time.

The 2nd run was tough. I was nearly hit by a car at the end of it. This red car nearly backed into me:


Still awkward. (But at least I had 3 people compliment me on my boobs.)

Oh dear God. I hope this is my "O" face. My lucky wife.

Some belly and biceps in my too-short and too-tight shirt.

Another angle from another friend.

Running off (far left) still in 3rd. These guys are chugging for 4th.

This 3rd run sucked. I mean, a "kitten mile" never feels GOOD, but this one was extra rough. I was running hard (maybe too hard), and I didn't have enough oxygen during my chugging times.

Back to transition for the last time (coming in from the far left), about to lap these folks
and be barfed on by Canada. Really. I mean, just look at her face right now - she's done.

There weren't any photos of me finishing, because I think my photographer got enthralled in a conversation with someone else. I finished with my SLOWEST of 4 kitten mile times in 7:09.9 (unofficial). Here are my splits:

0:20.5 chug
1:27.2 run
0:32.7 chug
1:29.9 run
0:37.0 chug
1:31.7 run
0:39.1 chug
0:31.9 run (the first 3 runs are a bit long, so the 4th is short to make it a true mile)

When I compare my splits from previous years, I gave up the most time in the 3rd and 4th chug. Comparing 2011, 2012, and this year, my 3rd chug was 0:31, 0:31, and 0:37. And my 4th chug was 0:27, 0:30, an 0:39! That's 6 sec slower than both previous years in the 3rd chug, and 9-12 seconds slower in the 4th chug.

Here's how my running vs. chugging times add up from the last 3 years I did this race:

2011: 4:59.9 running time, 1:47.4 chugging time
2012: 5:04.0 running time, 1:49.6 chugging time
2014: 5:00.7 running time, 2:09.3 chugging time

I've only been getting slower at chugging, and slower overall. My 4 years at the race (chronologically) are 6:46, 6:48, 6:54, and 7:09 (with overall finishes of 3rd, 3rd, 5th, and 3rd). But coming in 3rd to TWO national duathletes of the year (1 with 35+ wins in over 150 tris/dus, and the other with 20+ wins) doesn't seem that bad.

Oh, and a quick "conspiracy"-related thing to mention: well after I'd finished, someone noted that my "overflow" cup was overflowing (meaning I didn't drink enough and should have taken a penalty lap). But after 3 chugs, my cup barely had anything in it - the bottom wasn't even covered. If there's one thing I pride myself in (it sure ain't my choice of wardrobe), it's that I always finish my "chugging." My theory is that someone emptied the "puker's" excess (who was right next to me in transition) into my cup. She didn't fully finish her 3rd chug before quitting.

The Italian Stallion trying to take off with the winner's trophy.

l to r: men's winner, women's winner, and the 2 relay winners.
(The relay partners just switched trophies because he wanted the bigger one [for penis reasons].)

The party started outside. About 15 minutes after finishing, I told someone "my lips are hot." I was feeling the effects of the chugs. Then we went inside. We all talked about childbirth, sex, Catholicism, and boobs. So basically, my normal Saturday night conversation.

Delicious (and censored) food. Big thanks to the good sir who made the apple crisp
under the tinfoil and the kind lady who brought it. So good!

This mac and cheese did a good job counteracting the effects of the "kitten mile."

She's admitting to all of us that she had her first 2 "chugs" EVER in the relay at this race!
At least there was ONE lighter lightweight than me at this race!

I had a neighbor drop me off at the race, so I had to run home. I was in no shape to drive. I couldn't run much at first because I felt like the left side of my abdominals were going to bust open. Kinda like this:

Really. I was picturing this video when I was trying to run.

I was able to start running a bit later. I felt like I was moving well, but checking my watch between 2 landmarks that I know are a mile apart, I learned I was running about 8:30 pace. (Thats's like my slowest cool down after a hard tempo run pace.) I snapped a photo after that 8:30 mile:

The camera couldn't focus so it came out blurry. Yep, that feels about right. Cut, print, that's a wrap.

Well, my 7:09 is still "Hall of Fame" worthy - the race director has deemed sub-8 for men and sub-11 for women as "Hall of Fame" times. I think it was just us top-3 guys and 1 female to make the Hall of Fame this year - I'll post the (censored) results when they come in. (I think I was all alone in 3rd - first place was around 6:02, 2nd wasn't far behind, and then 4th was a ways after me I think.) Let's see if I can turn around this slowing trend next year.

If you'd like to look back on the history of this event, here are 3 links: 2011 with few photos, 2012 with a lot of photos of me racing, and 2013 where I didn't race (injury) but cheered and took photos.


Kristin 2:08 PM, November 03, 2014  

I think you meant to say that runner #6 couldn't finish her "catnip." ; )

Steve Stenzel 2:12 PM, November 03, 2014  

Oh God! Thanks Kristin! I fixed it. I was afraid I'd do that somewhere in this post… Thanks! :)

jo,  4:04 PM, November 03, 2014  

Oh, how I've been waiting for this recap! So glad the near miss with the car in the alley was documented! I had forgotten about that - and here I was worried about your pants falling down on the run home!
I hope everyone comes in pink unicorn speedos next year!

Best Treadmill for Home Use 4:25 AM, November 04, 2014  

This is priceless and i am so glad I stumbled upon it. I hope all of those kittens fond a good home after the race was over!

Mike,  2:32 PM, November 06, 2014  

Just out of curiosity is Canada the same person from the 2011 race report - that appeared passed out?!!!

Kyle Schulke 6:15 PM, November 06, 2014  

Not sure if this race is similar to your "kitten" mile, but its still an impressive performance.


Unknown 1:26 PM, November 07, 2014  

i just heard that a 44-year old woman with 6 kids just shattered the "kitten" mile record in 6:28! - kim k. (formerly teta equals booby)

Unknown 1:30 PM, November 07, 2014  

http://www.runnersworld.com/general-interest/44-year-old-mother-of-six-shatters-beer-mile-world-record?adbid=10152403074171987&adbpl=fb&adbpr=9815486986&cid=social35044877 - here you go! kim k.

Unknown 7:31 PM, November 09, 2014  

This made my night. A few comments/observations:

Dude in the care bear speedo had huge balls (no pun) for running in that! He rocks!

You failed to protect the identity if your own left nip several times!

Italian stallion rocked those shorts. If he's reading this, next time, make them David Hasselhoff short and let the inside of the back pocket hang out.

This was rock solid!!

Steve Stenzel 9:20 PM, November 09, 2014  

Mike, WOW, good eye! YES! You're right! :)

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