>> Tuesday, June 03, 2014
... and he's sassy as can be.
A few days ago, I posted about being called out to race the Trinona Time Trial this weekend. Here's what I posted on Facebook along with some of Dave's responses:
Seriously, I tried to find "rules" for the proper use of "oh snap," but I could't find anything.
Thanks Devon. It's nice to know you've got my back.
Steve, you're reaching. I have a long history of dominating you in any competition we go head-to-head in. I'm, what they call in the sports world, a "gamer".
We haven't lined up often, but when we have, the results have been one-sided. By my research, our first event was the 2008 LTF Tri. Not one of my best days, but good enough to best you by a couple minutes. What happened there, man?
That was my 2nd Olympic Distance triathlon EVER. I'm not nearly as old as you Dave. I'm much, much younger. And less gray. Looking at that race, why don't we talk about our run splits and the 9 minute difference there?
A few years later, we would have round two at an underground beer mile competition. And, while you may have the better running pedigree, I gave a performance for the ages and come in about 3 seconds faster with a gritty sub-6:45.
Three things: first, in your words, it took "a performance for the ages" to beat me by 3 seconds. Second: (and this is totally an excuse) in the last 3 years, I've had exactly 12 beers. All at the beer mile. I don't want to get a beer gut like yours. Old man. Third: remember how I beat you by more than a few seconds at the beer mile before that one? Oh, I guess you forgot. It's easy to do that in your old age.
I even managed to be faster than you when it came to getting a woman pregnant. You got the job done but close to a year late. Then, again, I managed a 2nd baby boy. You followed suit. To borrow a metaphor, it appears you've been simply drafting in my slipstream for years.
Again, you're much older than me. I didn't want to get my lovely lady pregnant when we were 16-and-a-half years old. Not to mention that my sweet sweet lovemaking takes more time than your BANG BANG impersonal sex sessions. I know how to treat a woman.
Fast forward to the Trinona TT. Sure, you have a faster time on that course. But, as you've pointed out, it was wind-aided and by no means a stronger effort than mine the previous year when I had (though unsubstantiated) a 25 MPH headwind to contend with.
OK, a valid point. I was man enough to mention this in my post over the weekend. There was a difference between the 2 years at the TT. The difference being the wind created by you sucking so hard.
So, in less than a week we will face off again. Despite retiring at the end of the 2012 multi-sport season, having owned the sweet spot of my age group in nearly every major endurance event on the planet - Escape from Alcatraz, Leadville 100 MTB, Boston Marathon, Alpe d'Huez Triathlon, multiple Ironmans, etc.
I planned on a quiet retirement, devoted to family, charitable works and deep contemplation. But, now sir, you've poked the bear. You've rustled a sleeping giant. And I'm back. Back with one purpose and that's to make you understand, once and for all, I'm the better man.
Who's your daddy?
-Dave Schutz, Trinona Founder.
To answer that last question: you might be. You're old enough to be my dad. Shall we get Maury on the phone? See you at the top of the Bluff, Pops.