Friday Funny 1189: Turkey Trot Runners

I did a "turkey trot" 5K yesterday with the boys and the stroller. Susan Lacke posted a funny article on Competitor.com about the different kinds of people you'll find at a "turkey trot:"

The strange denizens of your local turkey trot:

THE PILGRIM: Runs the race dressed as a passenger of the Mayflower. Infects the podium finishers with smallpox and claims to be first.

CHIPPERROO: Donning her favorite pair of Keds, the Chipperroo power walks her way through the course with frequent high-fives and loud woo-hooing. You think her cheerfulness stems from an abundance of holiday spirit until you realize it is your Aunt Janice, and she has been drinking wine since she put the turkey in the oven at 5 a.m.

THE COMEBACK KID: Brags loudly about the time he ran a 5-minute mile. In high school. Twenty years ago. Has not run since graduation, yet seeds himself in the elite starting corral of the turkey trot. (Spoiler Alert: can no longer run a five-minute mile.)

HEALTHY HOLIDAY-ER: Sniffs with superiority about the organic locavore meal they’re cooking after the race. Throws around ridiculous phrases like “everything in moderation” and “sweet potatoes without marshmallows.” Will be facedown in a pumpkin pie from 7-Eleven by midnight.

DOMESTIC DODGER: Entered the turkey trot at the last minute, just for a reprieve from listening to relatives argue about Donald Trump. Will sit in the blissful silence of her car for a solid two hours after finishing the race.

HANGOVER BRO: Hey! Hey, you guys! This guy got so wasted last night! You guys! Thanksgiving Eve is the nation’s biggest drinking day! Oh, man! Did he tell you how he drank, like, 10 beers? It was some epic carb-loading, you guys. Bro!

THE CALORIE COUNTER: Knows there are exactly 237 calories in one serving of Mom’s mashed potatoes with gravy and 503 calories in a piece of pecan pie. Has crafted an intricate equation in which running burns at least one thousand calories per hour. Wonders why his pants don’t fit come January 1.

THE ADOLESCENT: Grumbles about waking up early on a day off from school. Falls back to sleep in the car ride to the race. Whips out an unprecedented 17-minute 5K, then makes it back to the car to fall asleep in the backseat before you finish.

VOLUNTEER WITH BANANAS: Seriously, why do turkey trot finish lines think you want to put bananas in your stomach? Everyone knows that’s where the pie goes.

THE “SERIOUS” RUNNER: Is annoyed by the excess of newbies clogging up the starting corral and zig-zagging across the course? Don’t they know you’re a “real” runner? Be nice—perhaps today’s turkey trot will spur someone’s year-round obsession with running. Plus, if you’re rude, Aunt Janice will yell at you.

SERIOUSLY, WHO HAS BANANAS AFTER A TURKEY TROT?!?

(If you want to share this, make sure to share Susan's original article and not mine.)

More funny things posted 10x every day on steveinaspeedo.tumblr.com. And stop back for my race report shortly! (Hopefully tomorrow.)