Friday Funny 907: Triathlon Stuff that SHOULD Exist

Triathlon.Competitor.com had a funny article a few months ago where Jesse Thomas took ideas from anyone on twitter regarding products that should exist:

Triathlon Stuff That Should Exist

“A GPS to the timing chip so spectators can follow you anytime.” —Kevin Portmann
My take: I’ve wanted to see this for a long time, and for some reason it isn’t pervasive technology. Why is that? Is it cost? Implementation? I don’t know, but it seems like people would probably pay an extra $25–50 a race so their friends/family can pretend to track them while playing Farmville. Your business model is built into the game - go out and do it!

“Some sort of laser attachment that gives you a green or red light that lets you know if you are in or out of the draft zone. And maybe some sort of James Bond tar release to get the people sucking on your tire.” —Atm Robitaille
My take: I’m also not sure why these don’t exist yet. Let’s take the guesswork, the always overwhelmed marshalls, etc., out of the equation. It’s like the stop-light cameras at an intersection - if it gets you, it gets you. Bam! I’m also totally fine with tar and/or slime of some kind.

“A periscope iPhone app that would let you keep your head in neutral position staring at stem, yet show what’s up ahead on the road.” —Sharon McNary
“Chin rest for aerobars” —Steven Butler
My take: As someone with a couple fused cervical vertebrae, I’ve thought of both of these products as well. But then I think I saw in a rule somewhere that it’s illegal to look into a camera or screen or something. If I were a real journalist, I would research this. But clearly I’m not, so you guys let me know.

“Mini Madonna-esque nipple cones. Rehabbing a mean nipple chafe from my run today.” —Derrick Rice
My take: If designed well, these would be a single, low-cost, simple mold that could be used for both left and right nipples. Suction cups, maybe. Genius.

Business casual tri kit.
My take: This would save me LOADS of time and laundry each day. Imagine never having to change. Maybe it comes pre-scented to keep you smelling as good as you look. Living in Bend, Ore., the biz casual version should be flannel. I’ll get the Pearl Izumi guys on it.

“Aero transition bags.” —@TexasTarabay
“Aero facial hair cover.” —Barry Hughes
My take: We all know that triathletes buy ANYTHING aero. Do it!

“One product most pros could use is some form of monetary income.” —@dpalmertri
My take: Funny because it’s true (see last month’s article, “Things you should know before turning pro”).

“An automatic spouse-appeaser option when you sign up for a race: You click the box and on race day she gets flowers and a babysitter.” —Arup De
My take: Maybe my favorite idea! Include a massage. Maybe the men’s version is a babysitter, local beer and tickets to a movie about aliens, superheroes and/or the future. I hope my wife reads this.

“A photo filter that makes my dorky race pics look as cool as I feel. They can call the filter ‘undorkify,’” —Nanette Meadowcroft.
My take: Brilliant! Somebody create this stat and then get bought by Insta-Book for a bajillion dollars.

“Night vision swim goggles.” —@espej09
My take: Move over, U2 - this product release commercial will feature a ’90s R.E.M. single that deserves a quiet night. Marketing gold.

“Space-time extender - makes four more hours per day for actual training/life balance. Patent that ASAP.” —Mike Ursin
My take: Yes. Like a valve extender, except for space and time. Shouldn’t be that tough to figure out.

“Reverse designed race jerseys you can wear to help balance out the sunburn you got on race day!” —@briangumkowski
My take: I think this can be accomplished by wearing leg warmers, arm warmers, a balaclava and nothing else. It might be illegal in many city ordinances.

“Muscle electric stimulation unit where the pads can be preset and all lead to one central wire, and when you get on the bike you can plug in and then on long downhills opt to coast and get stimulus recovery opposed to pedaling with the thinking that time lost not pedaling will be made up later with fresher-feeling legs.” —Brandon James
My take: This is both hilarious and clearly the tri-dorkiest idea I got from all my readers. Thanks, Brandon - impressive work!

Lots more funny stuff posted all week long on steveinaspeedo.tumblr.com!