Running Poem (Not for the Faint-Hearted)

>> Saturday, July 08, 2006

(Note: every so often, I write a poem for Sarah and her friends to laugh at. It usually is quite gross and bit self-deprecating. So I figured that the following “incident” would work perfectly as my first posted poem. It is all absolutely true. Enjoy.)

The following poem is a true story,
and I apologize if it gets a little gory.

I was happily into my 6.2 mile run.
I was having a good time; it was fast and it was fun.

At about mile 3, my stomach gave a twitch.
I shrugged it off; it was just a minor glitch.

Before mile 4, the little pain was back.
“Is this going to be a problem?” I thought as I clenched my crack.

The pain kept getting much worse,
And I was afraid that I was going to burst.

A few blocks from home, I started flipping through my keys.
I needed to get into the house fast and with great ease.

I picked up the pace; I was running with all I got!
It was either get home now, or duck into the bushes and cop a squat!

I was running so fast that I actually wheezed.
I didn’t think I was going to make it; my butt cheeks were squeezed!

Two blocks from home, my stomach really began to hurt.
And down my leg, I nearly felt a little squirt.

I got to the house just in the nick of time.
What I was about to do could probably be considered a crime.

Sprinting to the bathroom, I almost dropped to a knee.
I shouted to Sarah as I slammed the bathroom door, “Don’t stop loving me!!”

I had made it in time! I had made my goal!
And I concentrated hard as not to look down into the bowl. (gross)

It was a sad, sad sight: I had horrendous squirts!
It felt like the cast of Sesame Street was parading out of my ass, complete with Ernies and Berts.

What happened in there I can only describe as a gush.
It was such an incident that it called for a courtesy flush.

Had Sarah heard what just happened in the bathroom?
If she had, she is now reconsidering ever taking me as her groom!

But her love is unconditional, like the love a child has for her doll;
Outside the bathroom door sat a brand new bottle of Pepto Bismol.

The significance of this story holds true, whether near or far;
The moral being, “Ten minutes before a fast run, DO NOT eat a Klondike Bar!”


Editor's note: People keep asking, but it is COMPLETELY TRUE. I sprinted to the bathroom while shouting, "Don't stop loving me" to Sarah. Good times.

10 comments:

Wil 8:52 PM, July 09, 2006  

It felt like the cast of Sesame Street was parading out of my ass, complete with Ernies and Berts.

You should just know... I laughed so hard, I think I hurt my other hip. Holy crap (heh) that's the funniest thing I've read in a looooooooong time... you're a genius. And thanks for such an awesome weekend, you two are adorable and I can't wait for us all to get together again!!!

teacherwoman 9:51 PM, July 09, 2006  

Just came across your blog...

Poems are fun!

abby,  9:53 PM, July 09, 2006  

Nasty...but funny...

Are you doing Lifetime next weekend?

TriSaraTops 12:36 AM, July 10, 2006  

OMG.

I just got home from the longest drive ever and that made me laugh so hard I almost had my own little accident.

YOU GUYS ROCK!!! So good to meet Mr. and Mrs. Pharmie! See ya in Sept!

E-Speed 12:08 PM, July 10, 2006  

OMG This is FREAKING great!

Thanks so much for the awesome pics and for supporting us this weekend.

You and your wife are one of the cutest couples ever!

I had such a great time with you guys this weekend!

April,  3:56 PM, July 10, 2006  

Oh Steve, I'd almost forgotten how truly great your poems are. Perhapsp someday down the road you can publish a book so people can see you greatness.

Julie 8:44 AM, November 08, 2009  

This is an old post but I followed it from your favorites link. SOoooo funny. I thought I was the only one who needed to stay away from ice cream before running.

Anonymous,  12:43 AM, February 19, 2010  

Do you have copy writer for so good articles? If so please give me contacts, because this really rocks! :)

Anonymous,  7:54 PM, March 12, 2010  

I would appreciate more visual materials, to make your blog more attractive, but your writing style really compensates it. But there is always place for improvement

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