Duathlon Race Report (In Rhyme)

(Note: This report is from the Apple Duathlon in Sartell, MN, on Saturday May 26th. The format is run 5K, bike 33K, run 5K. It was a HUGE test for my lame knee. Enjoy!)

The news said it was going to be windy and wet.
“With my luck” I thought, “they’ll even be hail, I bet.”

I awoke before my alarm around 3:30.
I was ready to get wet and dirty.

On the morning of an event, I’m nervous and loopy.
So on mornings like this, I always make a big poopy.

Before big events, I develop a drinking problem - how I drink so!
It’s not what you thing - I’m just addicted to H2O.

As I was getting my bike ready, I was glad my car was bigger than a Honda.
Because anything smaller wouldn’t have fit my bike, Big Rhonda.

I kissed Pharmie goodbye right beneath her golden locks.
I was wearing a lucky article of clothing she gave me: my dirty beaver socks.

On the drive to Sartell, I spent the time worrying about my knee.
I was not in as good as shape as last year, and I was worried how ugly this race was going to be.

I tried to find the right music - I fumbled with CDs and started to cuss.
I finally settled on The Killers album “Hot Fuss.”

When I picked up my race packet, they had made a mistake.
The lady looked at me funny after doing a double take.

I was labeled as a female - I thought it was a spoof!
I told the lady I was a man, and that “I can show you proof!”

I arrived SUPER early; I always like to be able to park in a good position.
When getting my bike ready, I was pretty lonely in the transition!

In Sartell, I pooped once and peed 6 times before the race - no joke!
People probably thought I was going to the bathroom so much to choke (my chicken).

Thirty seconds before the start I felt my first drop of rain.
I was ready for the race to be a major pain.

My first 5K was good - I was able to get through!
My time was alright too: twenty-two twenty two! (22 minutes, 22 seconds)

The bad news was my knee had started to get sore.
I considered quitting the race and going to find a whore.

I was doing fine on the bike - my average was well over 20 miles per hour.
It was good IM WI training too, because we passed some dairy farms that did NOT smell like a flower!

However with 9 miles left, we turned into the “breeze.”
That wind was killer, and it almost brought me to my knees.

I fought the wind as well as could be.
It was futile; it was pushing oh so hard against me.

Once when I reached for my water bottle, I caught the number on my bike.
It flew off and was gone! It was very kite-like.

“Oh crap!” I thought. But I assumed it was no big deal.
I was wrong! It surprised me later and nearly made me keel (over).

When then race was over, I learned I had a penalty for “equipment abandonment.”
I was assessed 2 minutes, which lead to some frustration-ment.

Anyway, 1 hour, 7 minutes and 51 seconds was my final time on the bike.
My average had dropped to 18 mph, which I really didn’t like.

On the way out of transition, my legs felt heavy and dirty!
But I did my first mile of the second run in six thirty! (6 minutes, 30 seconds)

The last run went well - I ran fast and I ran hard.
My legs were still heavy, but I felt the OPPOSITE of lard!

On this last 5K, I seemingly flew!
My final time was twenty-one fifty-two! (21 minutes, 52 seconds)

I ran it perfectly and had nothing left for a kick.
I ran so hard that I nearly lost my ... race number. (you’ve got a dirty mind)

Leading up to this race, I was afraid that I was going to be passed out on the floor.
But when all was said and done, compared to last year I was only six seconds slower!

One nice thing about the Apple Duathlon is all the great food that can go in my belly!
After the race, I had 8 pieces of pizza, 6 Oreos, a hot dog, and a bagel with jelly!

After the race, I tried to stay away from people - I didn’t need to hear them gripe.
I knew people around me would be in a bad mood, because I was pretty ripe!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you had a good time.
Check back in a few days for more photos and details, but no longer in rhyme.

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Great Core Workout and Upcoming Du

So the training’s been going OK. My knee still pisses me off. But on the upside, I figured out a great new core workout. Here it is:

Step 1: Purchase an old home that needs kitchen work.

Step 2: Tear up top 3 levels of kitchen floor only to discover a crappy felt underlayment that just won’t budge.

Step 3: Cuss.

Step 4: Spray sections of the felt crap with a soapy-water mixture.

Step 5: Assume a half-squat pose. Place your back foot at a 45 degree angle. Bend about 45 degrees at the waist. Take a square edged shovel and go to town on the wet felt crap.

Step 6: Feel the burn! (and cuss again) Seriously though, my core was POPPIN'!

I’m going to sell this workout on late-night T.V. So if you just read this, you owe me 3 easy payments of $19.95. But wait! There’s more! If you call in the next half hour, I’ll throw in a shovel that is perfectly contoured to create enormous blisters on your right hand! Too good to be true? Well, you better believe it! You can’t live your life without this deal!

On a completely different note, I’m competing in the Apple Duathlon in Sartell, MN on Saturday. The format is: run 5 K, bike 33 K, run 5 K. I’m not in as good as shape as last year (I would be in better shape if it weren’t for ol’ lefty), and last year I finished in 1:54:30 (23:04 min run, 1:06:29 bike, 23:24 min run). I think I’ll be happy with a sub 2 hour finish this weekend. Unfortunately, Pharmie won’t be there, and I know that I just do better with her around. Stay tuned for a race report early next week. Have a great weekend!

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Dear Blogger:

Dear Blogger,

I’m sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been frustrated with a few things lately. And I know - it’s not fair to take it out on you. I apologize for going so long without any contact whatsoever. Yes, I know how to use a phone. I’m sorry I haven’t called. Please, just let me explain.

You see, it’s my knee. Yes, I know I’ve been using that excuse for over 6 months now, but it’s still an issue. I swear. Hear me out. I few weeks ago, I tried ramping up my distances. I kept it within reason, but I’ve got to start building up my workouts or IM WI will NOT happen. It was going OK. My P.T. told me to try some run-offs, so one afternoon after a short 17 mile ride, I tried to go for a run. I was less than a mile into it, and I had to stop.

A few days later, things had been going better: I had a nice run, some good swims, and I was ready to test it again. So I did my assigned pre-workout stretches and started out on a nice 28 mile ride. My knee was good, then it hurt, then it was good, then it hurt bad, then it was great, then blah blah blah. I got home and iced and thought that, overall, it was a good ride. That evening and for the next 2 to 3 days, I couldn’t walk up steps without a horrible visible limp. I would wake up each morning with crazy knee aches. I took a week off. Pissed.

So my P.T. gave me 2 new exercises and stretches 2 days ago. So now I’m up to 178 exercises per day that take a combined time of 29 hours. OK, yes, I’m exaggerating; I’m just frustrated - just let me finish. I went on an OK run 2 days ago, and last nights bike ride was the usual: pain, no pain, lots of pain, no pain... but I can walk fine today. The pain came about 5 miles after starting. That’s not an IM.

This morning, I went to lift weights. I wanted a great workout. I figured, if I couldn’t be doing much else today, at least I could lift. But about 20 minutes in, I started getting all pissy again. I hit my chest, abs, and arms pretty good, but I just couldn’t get revved up to do much else. My stupid knee felt fine, but it kept me from wanting to do much more. I’m simply very frustrated.

In conclusion, I hope you take me back, Blogger. I will try to start to be a better boyfriend. I will listen and visit more often. You did nothing wrong. To rely on an old standby: It’s not you, it’s me. Well, I guess that’s not quite accurate. More specifically: It’s not me, it’s knee.

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“Skinny Don’t Put Your Heel To Your Butt”

Sometime in late April, I was at the Y for a nice swim. It actually was a great swim. I swam 1600 meters in record time, and felt great! During my entire swim, the pool was half full of old ladies on noodles doing Jazzercise or some crap like that. They were in their spot, I was in mine, so everything was fine.

I finished up and sat in the hot tub for a minute or 2 while doing a few hamstring and quad stretches. Shortly after I climbed into the hot tub, the old ladies finished up their “workout.” One of them got a charley horse in the shallow end, and you’d have thought the world was ending. Anyway, a few of the ladies stepped out of the pool and headed for me in the hot tub. I was stretching while using the railing for support, so I kindly moved over a smidge so they could use the railing.

Instantly, 2 of them starting talking about me. They spoke to one another, but they spoke very loudly so that I knew they were talking about me. As I was stretching, I kept hearing:

Old Lady #1: “Oh, look at that! Would cha’ look at that!”

Old Lady #2: He’s so flexible! Oh my!”

I was standing up while doing some quad stretches, so I was holding onto the railing with one hand and pulling my ankle up to my butt with the other. It’s not a fancy stretch. Anyone can do it. You probably do it.

Old Lady #1: “He’s so young and stretchy! I don’t know how he does that – there’s no way I could do that!”

Then I switched legs. It was incredibly shocking for the old women.

Old Lady #1: “Oh, my – he’s got 180 degrees of flexibility! Look at him go!”

Old Lady #2: “He’s so skinny! That’s got to help...”

And then, the best line of the day. No, the best line of the week. Well, maybe the best line of my triathlon training:

Old Lady #1: Well, ‘skinny’ don’t put your heel to your butt!”

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