Osceola Duathlon Race Report (In Rhyme)

(Note: When Pharmie was in Pharmacy School, I would make up dirty poems and send them to her so she could share them with her friends while studying. They were a BIG hit. Then, I posted a running poem about barely making it home to the bathroom. Finally, about a year ago, my 2007 Apple Duathlon race report was written as a poem as well. So it’s been over a year since my last poem, and I figure it’s time for another one. Enjoy.)

The Night Before:

I wanted to test the high yellow socks on a run around the block.
So I went out under the cover of darkness, around 8 o’clock.

Under 1 block into the run, and what did I see?
The high yellow socks had already slipped below my knee.

I made a decision on the short test run.
Before the yellow socks even got a chance to race, they were done.

They wouldn’t stay put over a fast race; I’m sorry to tell you.
They only would have worked if I had used a lot of glue.

Race Morning:

I was up by 5 in the morning.
I dropped a few pre-race “bombs” with little warning.

I made one last bathroom trip and drained my johnson.
Borsch, Steph, Matt, and I hit the road for Wisconsin.

The format for this race was 3 mile run, 22 mile bike, 1 mile run.
I was looking forward to the last part - a one mile run sounds fun!

I was going to do the 2 runs, and Borsch was going to do the ride.
It was Borsch’s first team event; I was filled with pride!

Matt, me, and Borsch

Matt was going to do this event alone.
To wish him luck, I tried to bury my bone:

Wow, what's that face?...

We started getting changed into our...well, you know...
Our “Team Tighty-Whitie race outfit” was starting to show:

Borsch changing


Me changing

We fully changed into our race clothes,
and then struck this awkward, heroic, epic pose:

I don’t know who we thought we’d impress,
so we settled down and got down to business:

On the way to the starting line, Steph said I had some grass on my ass.
I told her to get some class and stop with the sass.

I warmed up a bit before the start.
The racers were nearly ready to depart:

3 Mile Run:

A few waves started, and I got ready to go in Wave 4.
Standing around in that outfit made me feel a little like a cheap whore.

The gun went off, and in my wave I ran in the lead.
I was hoping for the best; I just didn’t want my nipples to bleed.

I went out hard and did the first mile in five twenty-three [5:23].
That was fast, but right where I wanted to be.

I missed the “mile 2” marker, but I know I slowed up a bit.
When I saw the “mile 3” marker, I nearly had a fit:

“I’m still far from transition! This ‘3 mile run’ is really a 5K!”
It was longer than advertised, but I booked it in with no delay.

I hit T1, ran up to Borsch, and he took off my chip.
He threw it on his leg, and was off on his bike at a speedy clip.

22 Mile Bike:

I came running into transition, and I was all smiles.
Borsch grabbed my chip, and was off to ride 22 miles.

He took the chip and was off in a jiffy.
Which was good news, because I really needed to use the biffy.

The first 3 mile run I had gotten through.
Now I dashed to the toilet where I dropped a number 2.

(In case you’re dense and didn’t get that last bit,
“Number 2” is slang for “I had to take a shit.”)

Steph and I ran a little down the bike course among all the mighty spruce.
I tried to stay warm, and I wanted to stay loose.

I saw the “mile 20” marker for the bike, and it made me laugh:
The bike wasn’t 22 miles; it was more like 20 and a half.

I got back into transition to wait for Borsch to come in.
He came flying in, and my last mile run was ready to begin.

1 Mile Run:

I ran out fast and hard.
I was moving so quick, I was leaving the ground charred.

I started to get those little toots known as “runners farts.”
They got pretty bad, so I clenched my cheeks like a tart.

I was getting worried - the farts were feeling a little loose.
But I just used that power and pretended each was a little rocket boost.

In that last run, I flew past about a dozen individual duathletes.
“Team Tighty-Whities” race was nearly complete!

I hit the finish line; I had gotten there in a hurry!
Sorry about my finish photo - it’s kinda blurry:

Walking through the chute

Post Race:

Borsch and I congratulated each other when we were done.
Team Tighty-Whitie had placed first! We had won!!

And taking a look at our splits,
I realized that we had shattered the old team course record by 8 minutes!

We were so happy, we nearly started to caper!
But then a man wanted our photo for the local newspaper:

I went for some food: pancakes, PB&J, and a banana.
Then we went to cheer on the other runners while listening to Hannah Montana.

Because we raced like a flying banshee,
we were able to walk away with a trophy:

Matt had a good day racing as a Clydesdale.
Among all Clydesdales, he came in as the 3rd fastest male!

Steph asked Matt to pose with his prize.
However, where he held it was a bit of a surprise!

We loaded up the car, and headed back to St. Paul.
We were all so hungry, that we nearly had a bad fall.

So we thought Paisano’s Pizza would do the trick,
and we stopped for some slices and a mound of breadsticks:

I hope my rhymes weren’t so bad that they gave you blood clots.
Check back in a few days for some official race shots.

We all did well, and throughout the race we were speeding.
As always, have a good week, and thanks for reading!

Official Times: (not in rhyme)
• 3 Mile Run (really a 5K): 17:40, fastest team run
• 22 Mile Bike (really 20.5 miles): 1:00:32, fastest team bike
• 1 Mile Run: 5:22, fastest team run
• Total: 1:24:22 (previous team course record: 1:32:26)
• Team Tighty-Whitie: 1st place out of 12 teams