AKA Assplosion
Yep, it happened. And it had been SOOO long since it last happened! Late this afternoon, I headed to the track for 3x1600 meters. The intervals felt hard, but my times were OK, so I just thought I was really working. (I ran them in 5:34, 5:35, and 5:40, all with 90 seconds rest in between.)
When I was walking through St. Thomas’s campus afterwards, my stomach gave a twitch. “Oh crap...” But it got better soon, so I thought I was OK. Three minutes later, it “twitched” again. Then the twitches started getting closer together. It was like having contractions, only I was about to have a shit baby.
I started jogging home. That made it worse. So I started walking REALLY fast. I didn’t think I could hold it. I turned into our alley, and thought I might have to duck behind someone’s trashcan and let loose. But then, 2 cars entered the other side of the alley, and I have a “don’t-poo-in-front-of-strangers-or-neighbors” policy, so I couldn’t do it. I REALLY didn’t know if I’d make it the final block through the alley.
I rushed into the house, and ran by Pharmie. “What’s the matter?...” she asked. I just pointed to my ass as I sprinted up the steps.
I sat down on the toilet just as the floodgates opened. Literally. I immediately flushed. As I flushed, I looked down to make sure there wasn’t blood and intestines in the toilet, because that’s kinda what it felt like. (I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ever checked...) No blood - all was well. Sort of.
I poo-ed again. And flushed again. And opened the window. All the way. I ended up flushing 2 more times.
Well, after half a roll of toilet paper and a DEEP chug of Pepto, I was better. And not a moment too soon: 10 students were coming over for a CVA Tri Club workout 10 minutes later!!
I have a great poem about an incident like this from 3 years ago. Click here to check it out. I think it’s pretty good!...
Wow. Just wow.
ReplyDeletelmfao...a shit baby....OMG - your students read your blog...and now they all know you shave your legs and chest and almost shit your pants on occasion. Steve - you are one of a kind!!
ReplyDeleteI think this post qualifies as "TMI" and you are a braver man that any that I know for even posting about your bowel health.
ReplyDeleteNow, go get some fluids back in you and consider taking a probiotic to get the good bacteria back into your gut and intestines that got flushed out.
After I ran the Nashville Rock & Roll Half, there was a girl at the finish line that did NOT make it!
ReplyDeleteyou had me at sh!t baby.
ReplyDeletewhat is it about running that makes pooping so violent.
shit baby..
ReplyDeleteat least you wrote/said what most runners have gone through one way or another.
haha, i can't seem to get over 9 miles without having to stop and poo. glad i'm not the only one that happens too.
ReplyDeletei am in awe of you making it home! usually i just poo in front of someone's apartment. whoops!!!
ReplyDeleteHershey squirts! LMAO!
ReplyDeleteI hate that feeling. Ugh. Glad you made it home!
And I hope you didn't let any of your students use that washroom...
Ah yes, I am VERY familiar with this!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate.
ReplyDeleteWe can always count on you for a disgustingly hilarious and honest story, haha, thanks!
ReplyDelete-Enzymatic Therapy
Nice! Sometimes you just gotta go!
ReplyDeleteI love reading your posts! You really capture the real world of sports!
ReplyDeleteI think this has happened to everyone, but I'm not sure everyone would post about it. :o)
ReplyDeletePS- make sure you extra hydrate after that.
"Back tomorrow ith photos from ..."
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you didn't finish that sentence the way I thought you were going to. THAT, I don't need to see.
Too funny! Sounds like me at Softball tuesday night.... yikes.
ReplyDeleteOne of he great joys of being a runner is the ability to have such great stories.
ReplyDeleteBeen there and it sucks, but contractions are worse :)
ReplyDeleteLMAO! Seriously! And that poem is great! "Shit baby" made me snort. hahahah
ReplyDeleteWow. You are off the charts. Had a similar situation at work, walking down the main corridor. Had a "twinge" that hurt so bad I had to stop and rest, leaning against the wall. A co-worked stopped to make sure I was okay...but I couldn't tell him how NOT okay I really was...
ReplyDeleteI guess I should be lucky I've never had to experience that. Although one time a girl I was running with had to make a pit stop with no bathroom in sight. She used her glove. I will make fun of her everytime I see her now.
ReplyDeleteThat has totally happened to probably ALL of us :)
ReplyDeleteFlippin hilarious! I call that the "triple threat"...stomache warns you 2 times and lets the gates of poop hell loose on the third!! Too many gut bomb running stories to list, ungood!
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my world old friend. Be very grateful for the fact that yours is random, sometimes I'm like that every day, multiple times a day, for months!
ReplyDeleteShit Baby is classic! I laughed so hard reading that...
ReplyDeleteSo it is no longer Steve in a Speedo...it is Steve in Poopy Pants. :)
It is no fun when the bowels growl at you and there is no place to squat and release. So glad you were able to make it home to your own throne.
When youre runnin down the road and your bowls wanna explode...
ReplyDeleteThey've all done it, they've just never posted about it. Except for you :)
ReplyDeleteReminds me a of a comedian who quips something to the effect of "Diarrhea is the smartest illness you can get, it knows exactly how far away from home you are and it always wants to race."
ReplyDeleteTakes for adding a humorous look at something all runners have faced at least once in their life.
I remember the original post, and it was a good poem that you spent way too much time writing. But really, how many times does something like this happen to someone? Once every 3 years isn't bad. See you're still a healthy "growing boy!"
ReplyDeleteAll I can think right now is "Taco, Burrito, What's that coming out of Steve in a Speedo?"
ReplyDeleteHahaha, as always, kudos to you for being so honest :)
Love the selective use of bold text to highlight "It was like having contractions, only I was about to have a shit baby."
ReplyDeletehehehe!
Oh my gosh- this is an absolutely hysterical post! I am laughing out loud here and my husband wants to know why! Christine
ReplyDeleteHilarious!! I have a condition called Ulcerative Colitis so I live with this most days, but your story had me laughing out loud.
ReplyDeleteBTW - I'm totally stealing "Shit Baby" (I can't even type it without busting up).
PS - "Mari" if you happen to see this, hang in there.
Wow, in the words of Will Farrell “that was graphic”
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog by way of another one, and I must say you are a very entertaining writer. But this post takes the cake! It's not often I laugh out loud at something I read. I can relate to the situation completely...
ReplyDeletei want to be as popular as you. i've talked about similar stuff happening on my blog and i get comments like, "serious athletes don't talk about poop." all i want to do is direct them on over here.
ReplyDeletePOOP.
(and i so chuckled in empathy.)
Nothing bonds runners closer together than the shared experience of intense poopery. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDelete...thanks for sharing because it was funny. Not becuase I derive some sikc joy form poop stories--it's still gross, but it happens to us all (boy do I know).
ReplyDelete