Update on the Christmas Surprise for Pharmie

>> Saturday, December 29, 2007

(If you don’t know what “Christmas Surprise” I’m talking about, make sure to check out the previous post. You will NOT be disappointed.)

Pharmie got home from work, and we sat down as I read my blog post to her. She was crying with laughter. I finished reading the post, and she wanted to feel it. So I lifted my shirt, and she was a happy camper. Let’s just say that this went over well:



And on the note of Christmas gifts, I recently received my winnings from the RaceAthlete “2007 Endurance Blog of the Year” contest. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s all useful stuff:


Thanks RaceAthlete!!

On a final note, my Mom and Dad got me a pair of Under Armour shorts for Christmas to help keep “little winky” warm (those are my Moms words for those parts!):


(...is that a camel toe?...)

I think this is their not-so-subtle way of letting me know that they’d like Grandkids out of me someday! I just got back from an 8-mile run, and the Under Armour did the trick! It was 21 degrees with a slight windchill and light snow (which led to a little slippage), but the run went well (59:39 total time).

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What My Wife REALLY Wanted For Christmas

>> Wednesday, December 26, 2007

My lovely wife, Phamie, didn’t want anything for Christmas. So we decided not to get each other any gifts. We recently bought a used car and a new TV, so we figured those were our gifts.

But there was one thing that she really, really wanted. She dropped subtle and not-so-subtle hints all fall about it. It was time for me to suck it up and make it happen.

My first stop was to pick up 3 necessities at Target: eggs, milk, and Nair for Men:



Yep, you know where this is going. Mid-summer, I had a smooth chest for a few weeks leading up to Ironman, and Pharmie loved it. It wasn’t an overly sexual thing, she just really liked the look and feel of it. Then and there, she started hinting about a possible Christmas present idea. So I got started in the sweetest way possible:


Showin’ my love for Pharmie.
(Is this weird?)

A few minutes later, I looked like this:



Steph, Pharmies sister, saw me once the heart was removed, and she said, “...Oh...that looks swell...” while she was stifling a laugh. Then I took care of the rest:



I even took care of those 2 little hairy patches on my shoulders that Pharmie HATES, so that’s how she’ll know that I love her! I had a crapload of paper towels full of chest hair all over the bathroom when I was finished:



This is a complete surprise for Pharmie! She’s at work right now and has no idea that she’ll be coming home to this hairless wonder. I told her not to check my blog before coming home, and I know that she won't check it because she loves a surprise. Check back in a few days, and I’ll let you know how it went over.

HAPPY HAIRLESS HOLIDAYS AND HAVE A HAIRLESS NEW YEAR!!

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Should I Be Flattered Or Frightened?

>> Thursday, December 20, 2007

Recently, someone leaked some sensitive information to me. Some of my students and former students started a Facebook group called “Steve Stenzelholics Anonymous.” This unnamed informant logged in and showed me the page (as I don’t have a Facebook page). I took a quick screenshot:



The description of the group reads “I like Steve Stenzel. You like Steve Stenzel. That guy over there likes Steve Stenzel. I can stop anytime I want. I just don’t want to right now.”

Scary? Maybe. Flattering? A little, in that creepy sort of way. Kinda like when you catch that guy at the gym watching you workout. You know the guy. Every gym has that guy.

I think what could have led to this is that my current students found my blog. Yep. Crap. No group of current students had ever found my blog while I was still their professor. But this sneaky group has. They know too much about me for me to be their professor. And I have them again for a different class next semester. Poop.

What happens when students know that their professor spends the weekends gallivanting around in tighty-whities and suspenders? Nothing good can come from this...

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We’re Number 2! We’re Number 2!

>> Monday, December 17, 2007

Thanks to all of your votes, I placed second in the RaceAthlete “Best Endurance Blog of 2007!” (Big thanks to Kim for nominating me!)



Here were the final standings, as well as where the votes were coming from:


It looks like the Mid-West gave me a lot of love!

So thanks for all of your votes!! Even though I didn’t win, I’m still thinking about hosting a “Runner-Up Blog-of-the-Year Party / Housewarming Party” at our place maybe sometime in January. Maybe. If it happens, you’re all invited. Especially you near-by MN folks!

Finally, in some actual athletic-related news, I’m getting my 2008 schedule in line (to be posted in the next few weeks). I think I’ll be running my first half marathon at the end of January at the St. Paul Winter Carnival. I’ve ramped up my running miles in the last few weeks after not doing squat after Ironman. The weekend after the half, there’s a 900 step stair-climb in the tallest building in downtown St. Paul that I’m already registered for. We’ll see how the year pans out!

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Frozen Penis Update

>> Friday, December 14, 2007

Thank you all for the well-wishes, heartfelt advice, and heartless laughs regarding my last post. All is well with Big Steve.

“When you fall off the horse, get right back on again.”

Yesterday, I thought I’d brave the weather again, and try a 6 mile run. The temp was the same as the run a few days before where I froze my willy (20 degrees). Only this time, there were also 15 mph winds (gusting to 30 mph). Much windier. I must admit, I was scared. But this time, I had a plan.

I wore the same outfit, but I “bulked-up” below the belt. I added 2 more layers. First of all, I wore the lucky tighty-whities under everything in order to hold my pork-n-beans against my body. The next added layer was a brilliant invention by yours truly. I took my tee-shirt that I usually wear to the Y, and I wore it like a diaper over my tighty-whities and boxers:


This invention is AKA “I’m-too-cheap-to-go-out-and-buy-wind-
proof-briefs-and-wanted-to-go-on-a-run-without-waiting briefs”

Now, how would the run go? I took off, and headed out 3 miles. Then I turned back into the wind. Around 4 miles in, I had to check my stuff. I stopped at a red light, and slyly brushed my man-parts to check their status (but how stealthily can a guy really fondle his fun-bits out in public?). The man-diaper was holding up, and my boy-parts were toasty warm! I finished in great shape!

On a different note, this is my last request for everyone to vote for “Steve in a Speedo” as Endurance Blog of the Year.” I’ve been floating in second place for the majority of the competition, and voting is over soon (it could be today, sometime over the weekend, or Monday at the latest). First place gets a Rudy Project helmet and sunglasses, which would be sweet! Anyway, please vote for me if you get a chance: http://teamraceathlete.weebly.com/best-blog-award.html. I’m still promising a party at my place for everyone if I win!

Lastly, the best source of news, The Onion, covered the funeral of Robert Cade, the inventor of Gatorade, with a loving and sensitive write-up:

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I got frostbite DOWN THERE!

>> Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Yep. It’s what you think.

I went for a nice 5 mile run yesterday afternoon, between teaching classes at CVA and the U. All was well. I was running just slower than 7 minute miles, contemplating doing a half marathon in late January. It was a cool 20 degree afternoon, and I had turned back into the slight breeze. I was about a mile and a half from home when “something” started to feel “weird.” Here’s where the lovely run turns south.

“I think the tip of my bishop is frozen,” I thought. I didn’t know what to do. So I just kept running. I didn’t have far to go.

As the minutes wore on, I realized it was getting more and more numb. I was starting to freak a little. I’ve seen photos of what bad frostbite does to fingers. I did NOT want any of that for my John Dillinger.

I was only wearing thin “swishy” pants with boxers underneath. My legs were plenty warm. But my wombat was freezing his one eye off. I did all I could to get home ASAP.

I got through the door and dropped trou immediately. My third leg didn’t look too swell. It was all small and red. Bright red. Not a natural color. I held him in my hand as I called Pharmie’s cell. As the phone was ringing, the sensation was starting to come back. It was JUST like when you lose feeling in your fingers, but in this case, that raw and burning feeling was down there!

I told Phamie what was going on. What did my loving wife do? She started laughing: “Oh, this isn’t supposed to be funny, but I can’t keep from laughing!” It WAS funny - to everyone in the world except me. Thanks Hun. I was coddling it in my hands. It was numb clear down to the base. I was whimpering. I was just like a little boy who found his little pet mouse dead, and was carrying it around as he was crying. Wait, I suppose I shouldn’t have referred to it as a “little mouse.” Oh well.

For about 10 minutes, I was not a happy camper. It was like holding an ice cube in my hand. I didn’t know what to do: “Do I run it under hot water? Do I take a bath? Do I cut it off while it’s still numb and save myself years of expensive and painful tallywacker rehab?” I was lost. I was, well, like a boy without his pixie stick. Literally.

When that hot, burning, regaining-feeling sensation had passed, I took a shower. After the shower, my little buddy had a red ring around him. It looked like an STD. I got an STD from that whore, Mother Nature. She got it from Father Time, who probably got it from that weekend he spent with Lindsey Lohan.

Now, all is better. About 2 hours after the run, my kielbasa was back to normal. The redness is gone. The weird STD-looking rash is gone. Function has returned. In case your wondering, I did NOT take any photos of my banana when it was red and frozen. I think that would have been a little too much. Even for me.

This has taught me 2 things:
1. Keep the lightsaber insulated.
2. My “line” lies somewhere between putting images of my chest after my cats have licked me all over on the web, and NOT putting images of my frostbitten Pink Floyd on the web.

I can assure you that all of this is true. It is by no means a stunt to get your vote. The details have not been exaggerated. This is a factual recollection of nearly freezing off my beef-bus. Use this new knowledge, and never NEVER let this happen to you.

p.s. In case you haven’t been keeping track, these are my favorite penis euphemisms: bishop, John Dillinger, wombat, third leg, little mouse, tallywacker, pixie stick, little buddy, kielbassa, banana, lightsaber, Pink Floyd, beef-bus.

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The Steve That My Cats Love Is Back

>> Tuesday, December 11, 2007

So, if you’ve followed my blog for a while, you know how my cats tend to lick me when I’m sweaty. If you haven’t read the post that I dedicated to Bubba a few months back, please, check it out. It may shock you a little. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

I was hairless for a while, and my cats didn’t know what to think. My last full body shave was the day before IM WI, which was Sept 8th of this year. That was three months ago. The cats didn’t lick me NEARLY as much when I was hairless. But 2 days ago, the magic was back:



I had just finished a workout at the Y. Kermit couldn’t resist. Our eyes met from across the room. She could smell my salty sweat. I could smell the tuna on her breath. We embraced. The rest...well, the rest is spelled out in that photo above.

Something else spelled out in that photo is how hairy I’ve gotten in the past 3 months. Here’s some cat lick marks from just before IM, back in early Sept:



Much hairier now. (much to Phamie’s chagrin.)

Then, last night, I found a big pile of fur in the basement. I thought Kermit barfed up my chest hair. Then I rolled it over and found it to be bloody. And it contained a tiny foot. One of our harmless, clawless house cats caught a mouse, ate it, and barfed it up. Since I have a strict policy to not post anything gross on my blog (HA!), click here if you want to see the hairy barf I found in the basement.

And again, you have under a week for vote for Steve In A Speedo as the “Best Endurance Sport Blog of 2007.” Click here to vote. Thanks!

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Two Accomplishments, Pretty Much On Par With One Another

>> Friday, December 07, 2007

Accomplishment #1: Ironman WI, 2007.

I received my finishers video a few weeks ago. I was surprised how slow I was moving at the finish – I felt like I was sprinting down the chute. I’m the one in the white sleeveless top and the baggy grey shorts that everyone made fun of:



Accomplishment #2: 100% Completion of Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories.

That’s my stress release once or twice a week. I plop in front of the boob tube for a half hour and play video games. I really haven’t played at all for a few weeks – I seemed to play more as a mental break after all that IM training. Recently, I completely passed GTA:LCS.



That’s right ladies. Not only do I compete in triathlons, I also play video games.

And I’m hairy as hell.

AND, I fluff the covers after I fart in bed.

THE.
COMPLETE.
PACKAGE.

Oh, while you’re lusting over me, don’t forget to vote for Steve In A Speedo as the “Best Endurance Sport Blog of 2007.” Click here to vote. You have about another week to make your vote count. Happy Winter!

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VOTE FOR STEVE IN A SPEEDO!!

>> Tuesday, December 04, 2007

A blogger buddy, Kim, recently nominated my blog for the “RaceAthlete Best Endurance Sport Blog of 2007.” There were about 40 blogs nominated. I then made the cut into the Top 10 as chosen by a panel at RaceAthlete (along with many other blogger buddies!). And now the judging has begun!! YOU, the general public, need to vote for your favorite. HOPEFULLY, you’ll vote for STEVE IN A SPEEDO?! GROSS! Please follow this link to go vote.

Now comes the sell: Why should you vote for my blog? I can persuade you to vote for me with these 5 easy categories (and lots of small versions of photos from the past year of blogging):

#1. I’m Real!


(I bleed and I burn)


(my toenails fall off and so does the loose skin after treating plantars warts)


(just a nerdy professor who sometimes gets sent to the ER)


(I bleed and I eat. Man, do I eat.)


(anyone remember what this image was for?...)

#2. Ironman 2007!





#3. I’m Educational!


(how to rid your body of hair)


(final touch-ups)


(proper snot-rocket form)


(how to recover after a century ride)


(this just HAS to be educational on some level)

#4. I’m Entertaining!






(footie-pajama Christmas card from last year)

#5. I’m Hairy!




(and my cats lick the sweat off of me)


(then I became hair-free)

If you need one last reason to vote for me, consider this: I’ve never cheated on my wife. Never even thought about it. However, I have thought about cheating on my bike (I mean, who doesn’t lust over other bikes?).

As a “thanks” to all of you (if I’m lucky enough to get your votes and win this thing), I’ll host a party at my home in St. Paul. You’ll all be invited. Seriously. There’ll be food. And spiked Gatorade.

Please, go vote: http://teamraceathlete.weebly.com/1/post/2007/12/please-vote-for-your-favorite-best-blog-of-2007.html. As soon as you vote and click the “Cast Your Vote” button at the bottom, you’ll see the current ranking. Tell your friends! Have them vote! Vote at home, school, and work! Thank you!!

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Reindeer Run Race Report

>> Saturday, December 01, 2007

Or, “I Got Third! No...Not in the Race...”

Or, “Good Day For a Run in a Blizzard.”

First of all, thanks for all the comments and notes about Pharmie’s and Steph’s stolen cars. Pharmie’s car is being fixed, and there’s still no word on Steph’s car – it may just be gone for good. Pharmie is a little bummed, and Steph is coming to terms with the fact that she may not see her car again. Losing a car is no fun matter, but overall, the 3 of us know that things could be MUCH worse. We live a pretty good life.

On to the race report...

Last night, I had my typical pre-race crappy meal. It wasn’t that bad for me. I just ate too much. I made a HUGE quesadilla that was filled with oniony, garlicy, beany, sausagey, corny, and cheesey goodness. Then I polished off a half bag of beef jerky. Yummers.

I headed off to the Reindeer Run 5K early this morning. It was 17 degrees, with a lot of wind. They were saying that we were going to be getting A LOT of snow today, but there was no sign of that this morning. Matt was kind enough to lend me his car, as I was the only one home and we are suddenly running short on vehicles. Here’s Lake Harriet as I got out of the car:



I was dressed to impress. Allow me to show you a few photos of what I wore, as well as predict what you are currently thinking:


“Oh, that’s funny.
I mean, you’ve done better, but it’s still good.”


“Oh my God, is that...
no, it can’t be...did he really?...”


“OH MY GOD!! He f*cking did it!!
I don’t believe it! He f*cking did it!!”

Yep, I’m pretty proud of this one. It was actually (get this!) suggested to me by my Mother-In-Law! It was her idea! She’s come to terms with how random and strange I can be, and now she embraces it. She makes AWESOME quilts out of old blue jeans, and those “shorts” were leftovers from cutting up a pair of jeans. She gave them to me, hoping that I would wear them in a race.

At the individual costume competition before the race, I placed 3rd! People thought my outfit was funny, and then I’d turn around and show them the bum. THEN they’d REALLY laugh! This is the guy who came in first:


If his costume and my costume got together, they would
make the SWEETEST and most hilarious costume babies

Because I got third, I was given these sweet Reindeer Run mittens:



The announcer didn’t know what to call me. He kept referring to my “jeans thong.” I told him that my costume was “a married guy who’s wife is out of town and he couldn’t dress himself.” The women in the group liked that description.

Oh, I liked this group, who dressed like “Mario Carts:”



After the costume competition, I ran into Jumper. We were just able to say hi, because he was off to find his family, and I was off to drop off my jacket and pants in Matts car. Jumper, as they say, sure is a tall drink of water! I dropped off my excess clothes, and got to the starting line. This is what it looked like:


People EVERYWHERE!!

I was near the front of the pack, a few rows back. I was chatting it up with a few people who were asking about my costume. Then we were off. It had started snowing about 30 minutes before, and the course was packed with about a half inch of snow. We now couldn’t even see across the little lake that we were running around because of the falling and blowing snow:



It was a little slick – it wasn’t slippery, it was just hard to get traction on the push-off of each stride. I knew my time wouldn’t be spectacular, but I was hoping that it wouldn’t be my slowest 5K of the year.

Well, it WAS my slowest 5K of the year. Yep, I ran a PW. I finished in 19:34. That was a few seconds slower than the Monster Dash 5K that I ran on the same course in the same suspenders, undies, and socks. Oh well. I figured that I finished around 20th overall, which was a little better than I figured I could do. As I was running down the chute, the announcer said, “Here comes the guy in the thong again! That’s gross! I’m just kidding...” For what it’s worth, I was the fastest costumed runner. Here’s a quick photo from right after I finished:



I stuck around a little bit, cheered for a few more finishers, and then headed back to the car, which was along the race route. I snapped a photo as I was nearing my car, which shows the mass of people still running. These would be about 30- to 40-minute finishers:



I drove back home. The weather was sucking:



My day wasn’t done yet. I had to get Matt’s car back to him. I drove to his place, thanked him and gave him his keys, and took off on foot for a “cool down” run back home (about 3 miles). It was getting windier and snowier. Here’s the scene as I was getting home on that run:



I got in the house, looking like this:



I was a little chilly, but pretty happy with my snowy run. There was about 2 inches of snow out there, and some swirling winds, but I was just fine. What a great day for a Minnesotan run!

p.s. I would have posted a little sooner, but I was wrapped up in the Ironman Kona coverage on NBC. It was sweet! It makes me want to do it again...

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All content and original images copyright 2006 - 2016 by Steve Stenzel, AKA "Steve in a Speedo." All Rights Reserved.
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