Duathlon Race Report (In Rhyme)

(Note: This report is from the Apple Duathlon in Sartell, MN, on Saturday May 26th. The format is run 5K, bike 33K, run 5K. It was a HUGE test for my lame knee. Enjoy!)

The news said it was going to be windy and wet.
“With my luck” I thought, “they’ll even be hail, I bet.”

I awoke before my alarm around 3:30.
I was ready to get wet and dirty.

On the morning of an event, I’m nervous and loopy.
So on mornings like this, I always make a big poopy.

Before big events, I develop a drinking problem - how I drink so!
It’s not what you thing - I’m just addicted to H2O.

As I was getting my bike ready, I was glad my car was bigger than a Honda.
Because anything smaller wouldn’t have fit my bike, Big Rhonda.

I kissed Pharmie goodbye right beneath her golden locks.
I was wearing a lucky article of clothing she gave me: my dirty beaver socks.

On the drive to Sartell, I spent the time worrying about my knee.
I was not in as good as shape as last year, and I was worried how ugly this race was going to be.

I tried to find the right music - I fumbled with CDs and started to cuss.
I finally settled on The Killers album “Hot Fuss.”

When I picked up my race packet, they had made a mistake.
The lady looked at me funny after doing a double take.

I was labeled as a female - I thought it was a spoof!
I told the lady I was a man, and that “I can show you proof!”

I arrived SUPER early; I always like to be able to park in a good position.
When getting my bike ready, I was pretty lonely in the transition!

In Sartell, I pooped once and peed 6 times before the race - no joke!
People probably thought I was going to the bathroom so much to choke (my chicken).

Thirty seconds before the start I felt my first drop of rain.
I was ready for the race to be a major pain.

My first 5K was good - I was able to get through!
My time was alright too: twenty-two twenty two! (22 minutes, 22 seconds)

The bad news was my knee had started to get sore.
I considered quitting the race and going to find a whore.

I was doing fine on the bike - my average was well over 20 miles per hour.
It was good IM WI training too, because we passed some dairy farms that did NOT smell like a flower!

However with 9 miles left, we turned into the “breeze.”
That wind was killer, and it almost brought me to my knees.

I fought the wind as well as could be.
It was futile; it was pushing oh so hard against me.

Once when I reached for my water bottle, I caught the number on my bike.
It flew off and was gone! It was very kite-like.

“Oh crap!” I thought. But I assumed it was no big deal.
I was wrong! It surprised me later and nearly made me keel (over).

When then race was over, I learned I had a penalty for “equipment abandonment.”
I was assessed 2 minutes, which lead to some frustration-ment.

Anyway, 1 hour, 7 minutes and 51 seconds was my final time on the bike.
My average had dropped to 18 mph, which I really didn’t like.

On the way out of transition, my legs felt heavy and dirty!
But I did my first mile of the second run in six thirty! (6 minutes, 30 seconds)

The last run went well - I ran fast and I ran hard.
My legs were still heavy, but I felt the OPPOSITE of lard!

On this last 5K, I seemingly flew!
My final time was twenty-one fifty-two! (21 minutes, 52 seconds)

I ran it perfectly and had nothing left for a kick.
I ran so hard that I nearly lost my ... race number. (you’ve got a dirty mind)

Leading up to this race, I was afraid that I was going to be passed out on the floor.
But when all was said and done, compared to last year I was only six seconds slower!

One nice thing about the Apple Duathlon is all the great food that can go in my belly!
After the race, I had 8 pieces of pizza, 6 Oreos, a hot dog, and a bagel with jelly!

After the race, I tried to stay away from people - I didn’t need to hear them gripe.
I knew people around me would be in a bad mood, because I was pretty ripe!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you had a good time.
Check back in a few days for more photos and details, but no longer in rhyme.